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True Blood

Werewolf Cannibalism, Vampire Incest and More WTF Moments From the True Blood Season 5 Premiere

We love True Blood with a passion, but do you end every episode basking in WTF glory and confusion? We’re right there with you.

True Blood is a brilliant show with amazing actors and even more amazing six-packs, but sometimes our jaws drop in horror at the sexcestual antics that go on in Bon Temps.

Check out the five biggest WTF bombs from season 5, episode 1, "Turn! Turn! Turn!"

1. Sam Shows Up at Luna's Naked, Traumatizes Emma

Oh, Sam. How does this good-natured shifter not know that hanging out naked on a front porch and terrifying small children is the fastest way to get arrested? Well, in any other city than Bon Temps, that is.

We know Sam has to shed his clothes when he shifts into various cuddly animals, but you'd think he'd keep spare undies hidden around the forest so as to avoid traumatizing innocent kiddos. Don't worry Emma, a therapeutic Interview With A Vampire marathon will make everything better.

2. Eric and Nora Kiss, Bill Cries Himself to Sleep

The South loves nothing more than some cousin-on-cousin love making, but nothing could have mentally prepared us for Eric sucking fang with his sister, Nora.

Not that we should be surprised. After all, everyone in Hot Shot is doing it with their moms, dads, uncles and uncle-brothers, and Eric's always been experimental. Plus, you know what they say: It's not incest if it's fang-banging. Or something.

3. Jason Turns Down Sex

Sigh, looks like Jason's going through some kind of mid-life crisis. Who knows if it's because he was gang-raped by a bunch of inbreds a few weeks ago, but Ghost Daddy is a changed man. That's right, he turned down sex from a hot blonde who was practically begging him to Ghostride The Whip.

Could Jason finally be outgrowing his nymphomaniacal tendencies, or is his crush on Jessica turning into La-La love? Either way, we don't even know him anymore.

4. Sookie and Lafayette Turn Tara Into a Vampire

Tara hates vampires more than Sookie hates pants, yet Lafayette and the Sookster thought it would be a good idea to turn her into a blood-sucker. We have a feeling Tara will be more than a little resentful when she realizes what her best friends have done — not to mention the fact that Pam is her mother.

By the way, if Sookie had the ability to call in maker favors, why did she never ask anyone to turn Grams into an evil old lady vamp?

5. Martha Eats Marcus

Uhm, no words for our feelings about Martha turning into a werewolf and eating her son. Other than: WTF, OMG, WHHHHY and Make It Stop!

As far as we're concerned this is just more proof that Zombies exist. Stop lying to us, The CDC.

BONUS: Alcide Manages to Remain Clothed During This Entire Episode

Seriously, take off your shirt, what are you doing?

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06.12.2012 / 09:35 PM EDT by Mehera Bonner
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