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True Blood

True Blood Recap of Season 5, Episode 3: “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”

True Blood just out Truebie'd itself, again.

This week, Bill and Eric dipped their fangs in the same ink (if you get our meaning, nudge-nudge, wink-wink), Lafayette got his Brujo on, and Jason had sex with a middle-aged lady.

In other words, best episode ever. Well, except for Tara, who is so the Renesme of this show.

Lady of the Fright Night

Turning Tara into a vampire was the worst idea ever. Not only has she been wearing the same denim-on-denim outfit for the past three episodes, she's hungry and sad –– which is a fatal combination (especially when curly fries are involved).

Unfortunately, Tara is all about hugs and peace and rainbows, and she refuses to chow down on humans. Instead, she heads over to Merlotte's so Sam can feed her a few cases of Tru Blood and lock her in the walk-in freezer. Sigh, friendship!

Meanwhile, Sookie and her half ponytail ('90s much?) head to Fangtasia to ask Pam for help. Obviously, she's too busy speed-texting to pay attention, so Sookie blasts her across the room with her freaky fairy fingers and storms out in a huff.

Poor Pam. Girlfriend is just trying to partake in some good ol' fashioned flashbacks to ye olden times when Eric turned her into a vampire.

Credit: HBO    

Here's what goes down: Eric stops by Pam's brothel, kicks Bill and Lorena out as punishment for killing a bunch of whores (side note: LOL at Bill in a tanktop), and makes passionate love to Pam.

Then, the dynamic duo snuggle in bed and Pam gets all teary-eyed about how she'll die of syphilis unless Eric turns her into a vamp. When he refuses, Pam promptly slits her wrists, Eric pops a fang erection, and the rest is leather-loving history!

We're all about Pam's folksy memories, but let's flash-forward to the present, where Lala and Sookie head over to Merlotte's to "work."

Honestly, why are we pretending that Sookie has a job? She can't go one shift without accidentally falling in love with the nearest supernatural.

This time, poor Sam falls victim to Sookie's boobs (their perkiness is her true superpower), and she finds out that he locked Tara in the freezer for a vamp-nap.

Credit: HBO    

Meanwhile, Alcide wanders into Merlotte's to real-talk with Sookie about Debbie, but Tara interrupts their convo when she breaks out of the freezer and runs away (BTW, she's currently trying to kill herself in a tanning booth, sigh).

Sookie decides it's high time to tell Alcide the truth about Debbie, which causes him to punch his truck in a manly rage. Even worse? All this lyin' and vampire turnin' causes Lafayette to morph into a Brujo and pour bleach into a batch of gumbo.

Sigh, we missed your forked devil tongue, Lala.

Cougar Town

Remember how Holly's hillbilly kiddos walked in on Andy spread eagle on their mom's bed? Turns out they took pictures and put them on Facebook, and now the entire town knows what Andy looks like naked (answer: Better than you'd think).

Poor guy is hugely embarrassed, and to make matters worse he has to deal with Debbie's parents, who wander into town to ask about the disappearance of their mulleted daughter.

Oh well, at least Andy and Holly are officially dating as of this episode. There's a silver lining to every full moon!

Speaking of naked men, it's time to talk about Jason and his new penchant for middle-aged cat lady sex. And no, we're not talking about werepanthers. We're talking about Jason's former teacher, who de-virginized him and now lives all alone with a bunch of cats.

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Apparently, Jason is still hot for teach, so he heads over to her backwoods house for afternoon delight. Unfortunately, old lady sex prompts Jason to have a life crisis, and he realizes that "p*ssy overflow" is just a temporary solution to the emptiness in his heart. Deep thoughts, Bubba!

New and Improved Jason wants nothing to do with sexing up the ladies, so he rejects Jessica when she comes knock knock knocking on heaven's door for a quick fangbang.

Turns out Jessica's in the mood for love after smelling a fairy at some podunk dress store, but it looks like she and Jason are going to be just friends for now –– at least until Jason gets over his "feelings."

Oh, and in random townie news: Terry leaves Arlene to go on a road trip with Patrick (we don't really understand this plot development, but we're loving Terry in a leather bomber jacket), and Hoyt is wearing black eyeliner and mesh tank tops. Fangbanger alert!

Sloppy Seconds

Last time we checked in on Bill and Eric, they were wearing matching track suits and had just told The Authority that Russell Edgington is alive. As you might expect, Roman and his gang flip their fangs, but Ro-Ro decides to give Billric the benefit of the doubt, and even lets them hunt down Russell back in Bon Temps!

Of course, before Eric and Bill can be released, they have to be harnessed with miniature stakes, which involves them stripping off their shirts. We'll let you bask in the glory that is Eric's six-pack for a moment, and then move on to Bill.

Apparently, Shortie is quite the hot commodity in The Authority, because Salome decides to sex him up in a dank hallway for no explicable reason.

Credit: HBO    

Then she invites Eric to her chamber of secrets, tells him that she knows all about his relationship with Nora, strips off her clothes and settles down for sloppy seconds. Who knows what this lady is up to, but one thing is clear: She's the new Sookie.

We have a feeling that Salome's gathering intel for Roman, but at this point he's so jaded and depressed that he doesn't even care. Yep, turns out his precious Nora is Sanguanista, and she wants to farm muggles and eat them.

Oh, and she believes that Lilith will "rise from the blood," which we hope is as awesome and gooey as it sounds.

In slightly less deranged news, our boy Steve Newlin has a new job as The Authority's official spokesperson, which means he has the pleasure of getting lectured by Roman about how humans are misunderstood. Yeah we are, Romz!

So, will Bill and Eric have success in their mission to find Russell? And more importantly, will Tara commit vampirecide? Tune in next week to find out!

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06.25.2012 / 04:05 PM EDT by Mehera Bonner
Related: True Blood, Recaps

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