Secret Life of the American Teenager Recap of Season 5, Episode 3: “I Do and I Don’t”
The time has come to mentally prepare for the beauteous WTF fest that is Secret Life's 100th episode.
To celebrate, the gang are serving up an hour of twists, turns, and baby bumps. Oh, and did we mention that there's musical number wherein tiny cutouts of Ricky's face float around screen? Because yes, that happens.
I Think I Wanna Marry You
It's senior year at Grant High, and you know what that means! All our favorite sausage fiends are back at the grind, and there are a few new faces to welcome into the fold!
Meet Kathy, a six-months pregnant freshman who wants to give her baby up for adoption. Thank god, because we were seriously concerned about the lack of pregnant teenagers so far this season.
Obviously, Kathy needs an older and wiser twice-married senior mentor, so Amy steps up to the plate and takes girlfriend under her wing. Kathy's great and all (and she can eat cake like a pro), but will Amy really have time for a preggo teen when she's dealing with her own problems?
And by "her own problems," we're clearly referring to the fact that Madison and Lauren have organized a flash mob set to the dulcet tones of Bruno Mars' "Marry You," in which they serenade Amy with tiny Ricky-shaped masks. Someone pass the sausage links, we need a fix ASAP.
You'd think Amy would be thrilled by all the attention she's getting, but is it just us or do she and Ricky seem bummed? Then again, Ricky's too busy planning his life to have time for being "in love."
He and Adrian start their first year at community college (we smell sexy trouble!), and The Rickster wants to make dolla dolla bills for his family. He's thrilled when Leo offers him a full-time job after he graduates — though obvi he has to get his butcher's license first. Even better? Leo gives Ricky insurance for baby John and a giant wad of hundies as a wedding gift!
La La Love You
So … let's talk about Grace, because she's a woman on the brink. Grace's new love for Christianity has taken a turn for the fundamentalist, and even her mom thinks she's being too uptight. You'd think Grace would be relieved now that Jacob has gone back from whence he came (miss you, boo!), but her daily chats with the man upstairs are getting more and more intense.
Speaking of Christians, it looks like Jack might get a football scholarship, but only if he can prove that he's a God-fearin' golden boy. Looks like Grace will have to show him the ropes! And we don't mean that in a sexy way. Unfortunately.
In other news, Ben has recovered from last week's fainting spell. And you guys, he's feeling so many different feelings. Ben has taken us on a slew of miraculous journeys in the past five years, but being wanted for arson has made him especially in touch with his manmotions. You see, after ripping up a picture of Ricky's head in a rage, Ben realizes that he's been in love with Amy all along. You know what they say — you never forget your first child bride!
Ben has no idea what to do with his feelings, so he takes out his anger and frustration on poor Omar, whom he accuses of being a total pervert. Oms gets all pushed out of shape and rats on Ben to the school counselor, which prompts Benny to word vomit all over Amy and declare his undying love.
So, where does that leave Ben's arson-loving girlfriend, Dylan? She and her besties are officially enrolled at Grant High, and they're less than thrilled when they overhear Ben's declaration of love. Uh oh, let's hope Dylan doesn't go all cray-cray and turn Ben over to the police for pyromania!
It's a Nice Day For a Fake Wedding
As you might have guessed, there's more to Ricky and Amy's wedding than meets the eye. When they settle down to watch the video of their nuptials (sexy time!), we get the inside scoop on what really happened when they tied the knot on that fateful day!
Turns out, a crazy old man tried to marry Ramy in front of a bunch of taxidermied animals, proceeded to spray "rose petal scent" in their faces, and called Ricky "Dicky." Unacceptable. As you might expect, Amy and Ricky both jumped ship to avoid being married by a stuffed squirrel, which means their wedding was a sham! But why on earth would they lie to the parental units?
Oh, and it looks like Ashley and Toby might break up. He isn't as excited as he should be about Ash's decision to go to cooking school in Italy, and as usual, both of her parents are too busy to pay attention. Especially Anne, who decides to come out to her mom (who has Alzheimers) during an emotional fit of ugly-crying. Unfortunately, her mom thinks "gay" means happy-go-lucky because she's all old-timey, but hey. At least Anne got that off her chest!