The Bachelorette Recap: Emily Picks Jef and Arie in Curacao
The time has come for Sean, Arie, and Jef to boldly go where no men have gone before. That's right, The Bachelorette fantasy suites in Curacao are upon us, which means these lucky studs might get a glimpse at what lies beneath Emily Maynard's bedazzled ponchos. In the words of The Spice Girls, tonight is the night when two become one.
Also, shout out to Emily's beautiful sand art. "Emily + ?" really got us thinking.
Sean spends most of this episode wandering around in various states of shirtlessness, which has basically rendered us completely blind. His washboard abs are so defined that we could literally scrub our faces on them (OMG, best mental image ever), so it's no wonder that Emily forces him to strut his stuff all over the beach.
Em and Sean start off their tropical adventure by going on a helicopter tour of Curacao, which is giving us some seriously painful flashbacks to Top Gun, starring Marriage Impossible 3's Tom Cruise. Memories! Then, Em and Sean slip into their bikinis and snorkel on their own private island, which is basically just an excuse to flirt while surrounded by sea creatures. And don't worry — they weren't attacked by any Smoke Monsters. Get it? LOL!
After a day of fun in the sun, Sean and Emily relax on a bunch of random pillows (so many questions, Chris Harrison), and Sean decides to recite a love letter to Ricki. Cut to the Rickster braiding her cornrows, like "WTF?"
Sean finally drops The L word after storytime, but will Emily let her studly suitor spend the night in her Fantasy Suite (a magical place full of satin, roses, and giant baskets of flavored condoms)? Think again. Em lets Sean take a dip in her hot tub, and then promptly kicks him out. We assume he wandered around the island shouting "Wilsooooon" until stumbling across a discarded volleyball.
The moment we've been waiting for is finally upon us. Yes, we say this every week, but this time it's especially true. Our boy Jef is taking Curacao by storm, by which we mean he's wearing hipster swimsuit trunks. Yes, please! First, Emily takes Jef on a romantic boat ride on "the high seas," where they make out while the wind fluffs up Jef's coif.
But wait, it gets better. SHIRTLESS JEF ALERT! Actually, make that Shirtless Jef paddling a surfboard alert! And Shirtless Jeff kissing Emily while remaining shirtless and wearing a long necklace alert! Excuse us while we go make out with our pillow as Jef and Emily make out with each other.
OK, we're ready to move on. After a romantic day rolling around in the sand, Emily and Jef meet for a beachside dinner, where they play twenty questions and Jef reveals his obsession with Ricki. Dude wants to meet Emily's spawn because he's worried he won't be a good dad, but what he should be really worried about are Emily's burning loins.
That's right, Em lets Jef into her beachside bungalow for a hot n' heavy makeout sesh, wherein Jef touches her thigh, declares his love, and jams his tongue in her mouth in the most hurts-so-good way ever. No words for this beautiful moment.
If you think Arie spends an unnatural amount of time affixed to Emily's lips, you ain't seen nothing yet. Arie can barely believe his eyes when Emily breaks out her bikini, and as you might expect he spends most of this episode groping her.
Arie and Em head out on a sea expedition to kick off their date to a sexy start, and then they dive into the crystal clear water to get their bond on with a traumatized fleet of dolphins — who are clearly WTF-ing themselves silly in that creepy dolphin language of theirs. Emily gets to know Arie better during a candlelit dinner, where she tries to figure out whether or not he'll be a good dad to Ricki (answer: duh he would!), but does Arie charm his way into Em's chamber of secrets?
Think again, Luyendyk fan-girls. This guy is too sexy for his own good, and Emily's worried that she'll give into her burning desires and end up re-enacting her fave scenes from Fifty Shades Of Grey. In fact, the thought of not having sex in the fantasy suites with Arie actually brings her to tears, that's how turned on she is. Stop fighting your natural urges, girl!
You guys, you guys. Being paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to find the man of your dreams is hard, and Emily is one more tanning session away from a full-blown anxiety attack. Homegirl has two roses and three guys, and the pressure causes her to crumble into a fit of ugly crying and nervous shakes. Even worse? Chris Harrison forces Emily to watch videos of her man-candy before she sends one unlucky bachelor off to his doom.
Sigh, time to say farewell to Sean and his 6 pack, who Emily tearfully bids adieu to while Arie and Jef high five each other with their minds. Auf Wiedersehen, Highland Hero.