Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO ©2012 Home Box Office    
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True Blood

Recap of True Blood Season 5, Episode 7: “In The Beginning”

You guys, everything is happening. Bon Temps has even more supernatural creatures than usual, and at this point folks can't even walk down the street without getting hugged by a misunderstood Smoke Monster.

This week, mythical being from the Vampyr Bible entered the mix, and it couldn't be more magical!

Bloody Bender

Last time we took a trip over to New Orleans, Russell Edgington had sprung from his chains and staked Roman, causing us to yell "Agent Stableeeeeer" and stuff our faces with pizza. Naturally, Russell's betrayal makes everyone at Authority Headquarters spiral into a panic (cue Bill screaming out Eric's name), but there's a silver lining to this blood-soaked cloud.

Salome, Nora, and Russell have secretly been working together to bring down The Authority, and now they want Eric and Bill on their team. The catch? If they don't join, they'll meet the true death! The whole gang head to a chamber for some bible thumping, and apparently everyone is hungry because they decide to snack on Lilith's blood and get blazed. Think Woodstock, but with less hippies and more vampires.

The Authority wander into downtown New Orleans to makeout with eachother in slow motion (Bill laughing maniacally equals A+ LOLs), and then they hit up a karaoke bar to slaughter a few randoms. Obviously, this leads to a mass hallucination, wherein a delicate drop of blood floats from the sky and morphs into our girl Lilith. That's right, she's risen from a big pile of bodily fluids, and it's the most magical thing ever! Well, until the Ghost of Godric shows up in Eric's imagination to be like "War, what is it good for?"

In other blood-thirsty news, Tara has become the vampire version of Piper Perabo in Coyote Ugly. Basically, she's wearing leather, she's hugging a pole, and she's lovin' it. At least, until her mom wanders into Fangtasia to disown her. Awww, poor Baby Vamp! But don't worry, Pam and her newly crimped hair are there to cheer her up with a beautiful mother-daughter bonding session.

Credit: John P. Johnson/HBO ©2012 Home Box Office    

Big Dick Richie

Over in Fairy Land, Sookie appears to have suffered a fainting spell, so her fairy godbrother zaps some light into her bod to "test her luminescence." Turns out, Sookie's fairy juice is running out, and she might be (gasp!) turning human. Ew, gross, humans. Do not want.

Sookie has no intention of staying fairy (especially when Jason reminds her that she accidentally killed their parents), so she heads to Bon Temps' hospital to real-talk with Sam about their supernatural plight. By the way, Sam's middle-parted hair is flying all over the place, his plaid shirt is disheveled, and his jeans are less tight than usual. In other words, we're concerned.

Sam spends most of this episode rolling around on the floor smelling things in ecstasy like a total perv, but luckily he takes down one of Luna's shooters who works at the hospital. Speaking of the shooters, turns out Hoyt is besties with Bon Temps' local hate group, and he wants nothing more than to kill some vamps. Way to betray Jessica, Bubba. Oh, and if you're wondering what Andy is up to, he's hanging with Sheriff Dearborn, who is cheating on his wife. Sigh, is nothing sacred?

In other news, it's time to talk about Alcide — who has taken to hanging out shirtless in a barn while wearing a headband. Yes, a headband. You see, Alcide and his no. 2, Ricki, are training for a were-off, which basically involves rolling around in straw, grunting, and having crazy Rambo-style makeout sessions. Alcide's definitely going to need big muscles for his fight with the packmaster, because JD and his entire crew are juicing V! Even Emma wants in on the bloody action, but luckily Martha is all "hugs not drugs" and saves the day. Phew!

Also, smoke monster update: A semi-suicidal Terry and Patrick are currently in the middle of nowhere, and their fiery friend is taunting them. Back at home, Arlene's taken to watching sentimental home movies of her wedding, which are super low quality because apparently no one in Bon Temps has an iPhone. Don't give up on your man, Arlene! The Smoke Monster is real, sob.

Credit: HBO    

ET Phone Home

Time to talk about our boy Lafayette, who heads over to Jesus' grandpa's house to get some closure about that whole decapitated head incident. So, what does he find? His hand chair! Hallelujah, the '80s have returned to all their glory. Unfortunately, Jesus' head is still resting on said chair, and his crazy gramps wants to steal LaLa's brujo magic. Whatever, old man. You drink goat blood.

Here's what goes down: First Grandpa Jesus sews Lafayette's lips shut, then he cuts his scalp open, lays his pregnant wifey on the floor, and tries to feed her some of Lafayette's brain juice. Well, until she leaps up, stabs him to death and rescues Lafayette. Phew, but also? We're so traumatized right now.

Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps, Jason is having an existential crisis about his parents' death, so he heads to Jessica's house for a makeout session. Sounds good, right? Wrong. Jason tastes human blood on Jessica's lips, freaks out, and proceeds to shoot her in the head when she bites his neck. Why do we have a feeling this friendship is over?

Jess kicks Jason out of her mansion in a huff, so he skidaddles over to Sookie's house to stop her from draining her magic. Sigh, the grass is always greener on the other side, Tinkerbell. We'd love nothing more than supernatural powers — in fact, we're still waiting for our acceptance letter to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

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07.23.2012 / 06:54 PM EDT by Mehera Bonner
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