Sigh. Another day, another beautiful WTF-tastic episode of Secret Life. This week, our favorite show tackled all kinds of controversial material, specifically The Man Upstairs. And no, we're not talking about Ricky, though, yes — he does live upstairs. We're talking about God, aka The Creator Of Ricky's Coif. Gird your loins, ladies — things are about to get spiritual.
In The Beginning....There Was Sausage
Let's be real: Preggers City is a town full of sinning teenagers who can't stop gateway sexing each other, getting knocked up, and walking down the aisle. Basically, they are all about to be smited with a giant lightning bolt courtesy of Grace's buddy, God.
Speaking of Grace, we have new reason to set our WTF Radar to red alert. Remember when girlfriend dressed up "like a lesbian" and offended the entire school? Well, now she's morphed into a bible-thumping believer — not to be confused with Belieber — and she wants everyone to go to church with her. Hallelujah!
Among Secret Life's church-goers are Ethan and Kathy (who have taken to sitting in cars and bonding about this one time Ethan was stabbed), George and Kathleen, and Amy and Ricky (who head to God's House so he can repent for taking a band geek's virginity). Oh, and Ethan is in charge of the organ, which is basically the new hipster keyboard. Double also, he plays "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." Love it!
I'm In Love, Ohhhhh! I'm A Believer!
We've always thought that Ben prayed to The Sausage Gods, but apparently he's Christian. Who knew? Benny From The Block decides it's high time he go to church to get his redemption on, so he drags his homies Henry and surprisingly-Buddhist Alice on his spiritual exploration. Frankly, we're shocked all three of them didn’t burst into flames upon entering the church.
Meanwhile, Adrian decides to get into Omar's good books by dragging him to services, where she takes the opportunity to look vaguely slutty and talk about how much Jesus loved having sex. We don't remember reading that in the Bible, but whatever floats his carpenter boat.
You'd think Grace would be thrilled that all her frenemies have come together to join hands and pray to the ABC Family Overlords, but she's in for a rude awakening when Jack walks in with Madison on his arm. Grace goes home to drown her sorrows in a giant plaid pillow, and you guys? Girl just wants some friends. And a boyfriend, which brings us to Jack –– forever alone with a football as his only friend/lover.
Turns out Jack just wanted to make Grace jealous by bringing Madison to church, and he's actually in love with our little Cookie Monster. The problem? He's a raging sex addict who thinks doing the dirty with Grace is the only way to have a successful relationship. Luckily, Jack's dad bitch-slaps him into realizing there's more to love than spreading rampant STIs all over town, so naturally, Jack decide he wants to get married. Yep, you read that right — Jack wants to make Grace his bride so they can finally do the nasty. Thank goodness Kathleen talks him out of it, and it looks like Grace and Jack are just dating –– for now. We're so worried.
In other news, Omar and Adrian head home to Adrian's pad, but are interrupted by Omar's mom –– a witness who wants to get her bond on with Aids. Who knows what will come of this plot development, but good times, good times.
After church, Ricky and Amy are in a terrible mood (what else is new?), so they head to Margaret's house to real talk about The Wedding. Annnnnd, cue Amy sobbing. Turns out this gal doesn't want Anne at her wedding because she's "different" now, which leads to a total existential meltdown. Now Amy doesn't even know if she's "old enough" to be married, and it's just like, “What does it all mean?!”
Meanwhile, George is feeling "weird" because he went to church without telling Amy, so he heads home to apologize. Unfortunately, Amy isn't there because she's busy having an emotional breakdown all over Margaret's shoulders, so George snoops on her computer — and finds the video of Amy and Ricky skipping out on their wedding! So, what does George do with this valuable information? He pressures Amy into throwing a giant joint wedding hosted by Margaret, Ann and Nora — aka "the women."
In other news, God hasn't forgiven Ben for his sins. And neither has Leo. The Sausage King is being harder on Ben then ever, and he seems convinced that he’ll turn into a college dropout who spends his life wasted on park benches. Ben begs his dad to let him start over with Dylan — you know, the girl who lit his loins on fire, among other things — but it's a major no-go. Also, Dylan has taken to lying on her bed listening to "Ben" by Michael Jackson, aka the song he wrote about his pet rat. We have so many feelings about this.
Despite his dad's fears, Ben calls Dylan to give their relationship another shot, and they come up with a brilliant new plan. Dylan will pretend to date Henry, Ben will pretend to date Alice, and we'll continue to be mind-blown by how much we love this show.