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The Bachelorette

Biggest WTF Moments From Bachelor Pad 3, Episode 2: Ryan Hoag Is Still a Virgin

Bachelor Pad is two hours of drunken frolicking, drunken makeout sessions, drunken convos about life and feelings, and post-drunken game-playing. Basically, it's a giant WTF fest, and we can't get enough. This week featured undo amounts of slurred speech and makeout sessions, and we've rounded up the most WTF moments of the episode for you to look back on.

1. The Twins Speak Gibberish, We Continue to Love Them
Words cannot describe how sad we are that The Twins won't be part of our weekly Bachelor Pad experience. They are pretty much the 8th wonder of the world, and this week they spoke to each other in a crazy tongue that sounded like drunken gibberish, but was actually The Language Of Love. They are our twinspiration, sob!

2. Michael Stagliano Is a Dancing Queen, Young and Sweet, Only Seventeen
In case you haven't already noticed, The Stag is a secret ballerina who yearns to pirouette and padabure his way into your erotic Bachelor Pad fantasies. Did you see his footwork during Rhythmic Gymnastics? Pure gold.

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3. Virgin Ryan Bakes a Cake, Remains a Virgin
You guys, Ryan is so The Virgin Mary of Bachelor Pad. In fact, we imagine he'll be immaculately conceptioned any day now. Poor dude thinks that baking cake is the way into a lady's panties (in our case, hell yes), but the girls on Bachelor Pad don't do things like "eat." Oh well, at least Ryan was deflowered by Chris Harrison.

4. The Men Wear Leotards, Look Leotarded
We'd like to issue a PSA to Chris Harrison: Please come up with more challenges wherein the bachelors are strapped into wedgie-inducing leotards and forced to bound around The Pad with hula hoops. Sincerely, the world.

5. Donna Eats a Banana, Fruit Is Ruined Forever
Watching Donna slowly peel and eat a banana in front of Michael Stagliano was completely terrifying. Not only will we never touch a banana again, we're pretty sure the color yellow is out of our lives as well. In fact, we can no longer eat fruit. Are you happy, Donna? Are you happy?!

6. Donna Draws a Photo-Realistic Picture Of The Stag
We need to talk about Donna. While everyone else at the Pad is having champagne poured on their boobs, she has taken to drawing photos of Michael Stagliano in her Dream Journal, and the result couldn't be more disturbing. First of all, The Stag looked completely crazy-town in Donna's photo, but even more upsetting? He rewarded her deranged behaviour with a tonguey makeout session.

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7. Blakeley Passes Out In a Hot Tub, No One Cares
Did anyone notice that Blakeley was sleeping in a hot tub during most of this episode? Just her, her wine, and the creepy cameraman who was filming her. Annnnd, cue "All By Myself" — the Celine Dion version, obvs.

8. Jamie Sleeps on Top Of Chris and Blakeley While They Hook Up
Remember that time you walked into your bedroom only to realize that a) you still sleep in a bunkbed, and b) your boyfriend was hooking up with your bestie in the bottom bunk? Night Cam Jamietotally feels you. This is like Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants all over again, only Chris Bukowski is the pants.

9. Ed Calls His Penis a Flying Pickle, Still Manages to Get Some Action
Can we please discuss the fact that Ed and Sarah's hookup involved howling, pickle/penis comparisons, on-camera BJs (ABC isn't even trying anymore), and victory trophies? We approve!