Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Premiere Recap: We Laughed, We Cried, We Ran Away in Terror
We suggest you gather the following supplies: Red Bull, pixie sticks, pixie sticks mixed with Red Bull, and a miniature pig. Why, you ask? Because Honey Boo Boo has broken free from her veneers and she's taking TLC by storm. In other words, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Also, here comes 2012, because we think this might be the apocalypse.
The Redneck Games (Kinda Like the Hunger Games, But More Horrifying)
You might remember Honey Boo Boo from our other favorite show, Toddlers & Tiaras, where she blew our collective minds with her jiggly belly and multiple personalities. Poor Boo Boo has been juicing on Mountain Dew for a while now (OMG, she's "Doing The Dew"), which might explain her episodes of mania –– but honestly we blame her extended family. These backwoods hillbillies are a lovable bunch of folksy truckers, and we have so many questions. Especially about the dead armadillos littering their driveway.
Turns out Honey Boo Boo has three sisters, The Chubby One, The Pregnant One, and our new best friend, "Pumpkin." Or, as we fondly call her, Pumpkin the Country Bumpkin. Then there's Sugar Bear, a gentle gent who sowed his hillbilly seed in "Mama," thus spawning the genetic miracle that is Honey Boo Boo.
This backwoods family spend most of their national debut slopping around in mud, riding on tractors in mud, eating mud, bonding with their mini-pig (save yourself, Wilbur! Save yourself), and –– most importantly –– getting HBB ready for her pageant.
Obviously, pageants are an important rite of passage in the life of any Boo Boo, but Honey Boo Boo takes them super seriously. By which we mean she eats vats of cheese puffs and competes in The Redneck Games –– a wonderful event full of confederate flags, vagiggle jaggle, and "flesh-eating bacteria disease." Also, Pumpkin bobs for Pigs Feet, to which we say: Reach for the stars, girl!
So, how does our little Boo do in the pageant? She knocks everyone's Daisy Dukes off with her curly ringlets and "natural beauty," but sadly doesn't win a crown. Basically, there are traitors among us, and we will be writing a letter of complaint to the State Of Georgia. Now, excuse us, we have urgent business keying "A Dolla Makes Me Holla" into a pickup truck.
Etiquetteley Lessons (Like Etiquette Lessons But With More Mini-Pigs)
You thought Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was a mere half hour of WTF joy? Think again, because it's double the pleasure, double the fun on TLC. Meet Honey's new pet, an adorable mini-pig named Glitzy who we think might be pigicidal. No really, this little dude is practically begging to be eaten by Mama.
The only good thing about poor Glitzy's life is that he gets to sleep in a toddlers pack n' play and have his toenails painted rainbow colors –– but aside from that he spends his time screaming "Help Me" in his special pig language. Oh well, whatever helps Boo Boo get ready for her Supreme Pageant, right guys?
Speaking of pageants, it's time for Honey to get herself some etiquette lessons, so Mama convinces some poor helpless soul to teach her how to function in a normal society. As you might expect, Boo Boo can barely form a sentence, let alone eat soup with a spoon, but whatever. Someone hand this girl her Go-Go Juice.
In other news, Chickadee (The Pregnant One) is in her third trimester, so Mama stocks up on a variety of important baby items like Cheetos, miniature vanilla bundt cakes, and Chips Ahoy. Who needs diapers when your kid can just pee on a bundt, right ladies? Just ask resident baby expert Honey Boo Boo, who explains that babies come out of "your biscuit." FYI, biscuits means vagiggle jaggles, which means vaginas. Vaginas.
By the way, Honey Boo Boo's talking stomach is doing really well. Thanks for asking.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET/PT on TLC.