Bachelor Pad Recap: 50 Shades of Kung Fu Panda — Starring Chris and Sarah
Please join cyber hands as we take our weekly pilgrimage to Bachelor Pad, a beautiful place filled with bikini rash, discarded weaves, and the smell of condoms dipped in pickle juice. This week, Chris Harrison's prisoners were forced to interrogate each other, and we learned several terrifying things — including the fact that Sarah had sex in a public parking lot, voyeur-style. Reach for the stars, girl.
Do you ever think to yourself, "Wow, I really wish I knew more about Erica Rose's hair-eating fetish?" Well, today is your lucky day. This week's episode gets off to a dramalicious bang when the ladies answer questions about each other in an epic round of Game Show Mashup, and Jaclyn accurately guesses that David is a pervert who thinks "sexy thoughts" during rhythmic gymnastics. Duh, he does.
To be honest, we were slightly disappointed with the lack of ugly crying during the ladies' round (seriously, Jamie? We were counting on you), but don't worry. The men's round brings out major waterworks — especially when it's revealed that Jamie thinks Jaclyn is a lying manipulator. Sigh, these ladies really don't have each other's backs. It's like none of them even took Feminist Gender Studies 101. Vagina power, people.
So, who comes out on top in this tear-jerking competition? Bachelor Pad's resident sex addict, Ed (aka Most Likely To Jovially Give You a Communicable Disease), and his partner Jaclyn! We can only assume they celebrated with some festive motor-boating.
You guys, Ed's cucumber is ready to be pickled by Jaclyn's delicious spices. Their beautiful date night of WTF fun at Dodgers Stadium features even more ball play than usual, and then the dynamic duo sings the national anthem into an empty field while chugging white wine (take notes, boys). After a quick makeout session (open mouth, no tongue) Ed and Jaclyn enjoy a fireworks display and cap their night off by deep-throating an enormous hot dog. In a word: Delicious.
Meanwhile, back at the pad, Jamie and Chris are engaging in their usual mating ritual. You know, she's drunk and begging for action, and he's just like "ugh, I just want to eat perogies all day." Luckily, Chris knows that rejecting Jamie leads to her having breakdowns about Christmas, so he takes her into the bedroom and watches her writhe around in an oversized D.A.R.E shirt. Hugs not drugs, you guys.
Time for Chris to get his prince charming on! This pretty Polski scores the second one-on-one date of the season thanks to Ed and Jaclyn's generosity, and the the lucky lady? None other than Sarah — aka Miley Cyrus' doppelganger (minus the new tragic haircut).
The dynamic duo head over to an abandoned roof deck and partake in their very own action adventure, wherein Sarah dresses up in leather, shoves a briefcase in some rando's head, and makes out with Chris while he's handcuffed. Basically, it's just like 50 Shades of Grey, only with fewer sex toys.
After a day of kung foo fighting (somewhere, The Karate Kid is crying), Chris and Sarah have a romantic dinner, swim in a hot tub, and do the humpty hump while several cameramen go blind. Homeboy couldn't be more thrilled about trading in Jamie and Blakeley, and we have a feeling he and Sarah got up to all kinds of erotic sexplorations in their hotel room.
In other news, Ed still has a rose to give out, so he picks Rachel Truehart! Sigh, another innocent man-child falls victim to her cheerful last name.
The one-on-one dates are over, and now the time has come for the rose ceremony. Everyone is just as drunk as usual, and the ladies (read: Blakeley and Jamie) have taken to ugly crying all over themselves about how Chris no longer wants to "ow ow" their Bukowskis. Everyone is forming alliances, people are wearing protective sparkles, and even Chris Harrison looks more unhinged than usual.
Here's the deal: Chris wants to vote off Blakeley, David wants to vote off Nick, and Ed wants to vote off Jamie. Unfortunately, it's Jamie and David who ultimately pack their bags and say sayonara to their dreams of becoming moderate wealthy B-list stars, and we just hope Jamie finds someone to celebrate the holidays with. Sad face.