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The Bachelorette

5 Things We Want to See at Emily Maynard and Jef Holm’s Wedding

News flash: Bachelorette Emily Maynard and Jef Holm's big backwoods wedding is almost upon us, and we're already gentle sobbing ourselves to sleep every night in anticipation. We couldn't be more excited that this happy couple are making it official (hopefully on camera), and we've rounded up 5 things we want to see at their wedding. Well, aside from the obvious: hair coifs, cleopatra clip-ins, boxed wine, angular man-tanks, and spray tan stains.

1. Arie as The Best Man
Assuming that Arie can check himself out of Heartbreak Hotel for a few days, we'd love to see him at the wedding. Let's not forget that Arie and Jef are total biffles, so he'd be perfect best man material! Also, let's just hope the ceremony isn't at sunset, because last time Arie was in the presence of a bewitching night sky he wandered off onto a beach and was never heard from again.

2. Chris Harrison as The Officiant
Chris Harrison recently became ordained for Cassie Lambert's wedding, so duh — it's only natural that he should officiate for Jef and Emily. First of all, Chris is just one letter away from being called "Christ," which basically means he's the son of god. Second of all, Jemily would never have locked hips and lips if it wasn't for Chris' big pimpin', so it just makes sense for him to pronounce these two hubby and wifey. You may kiss the bride! (No, not you Arie. Control yourself.)

3. Lots of Glitter, Sequins and General Bedazzling
We expect the following things to happen at Emily and Jef's wedding: 1) A glitter machine will create a fog of sparkles that Emily will emerge from. 2) Jef will comb his hair with a glitter-encrusted brush. 3) Emily's gown, shoes, and naughty lingerie will be covered in jewels. 4) Guests will be served white wine with edible diamonds floating in them. 5) Jef and Emily will make a baby and name it Glitter, in part after Mariah Carey. 6) Kalon will fly in on a sequin-covered helicopter.

4. Ricki as The Flower Girl
OMG, y'all! Ricki Bobby finally has a purpose in life: To delicately toss flowers on the ground as her ethereal mother emerges from the beyond as a beautiful bride. Tear! Ricki has clearly been stressing about this moment (why else would she have cornrowed her hair?), but don't worry little lady. We have faith that if you wear pink goggles during the entire ceremony, everything will go swimmingly.

5. Poetic Vows
Remember when Emily visited Jef's hometown in Saint George, Utah, and he slayed us with that adorable love letter? Sigh, we're still swooning. We have a feeling Jef's vows will be even more romantic than said letter, and poor Em will most likely be rendered speechless. By the way, if ABC doesn't televise this thing, we'll have no choice but to take to the streets of Charlotte shouting "Emilllllyyyyyy," Sean-style.