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True Blood

True Blood Season 5 Finale Recap: Kill Bill

The moment we've been waiting for has finally arrived. Yep, it's time to slip into some pleather, grab a container of Kool-Aid (you know, 'cause it's red ... like blood), and cry our eyes out: The True Blood Season 5 finale is upon us.

As you might expect, we are currently doubled over in the fetal position — and not just because our ex-boyfriend William spent most of this episode being insane. Let’s just say that the era of Billith is upon us.

I See Dead People

Last time we checked in on Sookie and her poorly-dressed Tinkerbell sista-friends, they were in the midst of having a mutual lightgasm with Russell Edgington. So did they win? Heck yeah — all thanks to Eric, who popped out of the woods and staked Russell with a wooden shiv. Sigh, our hero! Also, how dare Russell leave a bloodstain on the sacred ground that Sookie and Eric made love on?

In other news, Eric and Nora are determined to save Bill from himself, so they hop over to Fangtasia to pick up Tara, and then head over to Sookie's pad to ask her for help. After all, if there's one muggle who can talk sense into Queen William, it's his faerie lover of yesteryears. Sookie packs up her yet-to-be-explained pink tutu and heads out with the three musketeers and Jason — who, by the way, has taken a serious blow to the head. Let's just say Ghost Daddy has all kinds of imaginary friends ... specifically Mamaw and Peepaw Stackhouse, who want him to become a vigilante.

Meanwhile, at Merlotte's, our muggle pals’ Cajun margarita time is interrupted by Andy's faerie baby mama, who shows up and promptly downs an entire container of salt and gives birth to a litter of kiddos, having multiple orgasms while doing so. Have fun raising dem babies, Andy. Let's just hope they don't grow up with an addiction to booty shorts.

Credit: HBO    

Alcide the Vampire Slayer

As usual, we continue to be worried about Bill. Not only is our favorite pinkie ring-wearing vampire going through yet another existential crisis, but he's taken to murdering randoms all over the place. Luckily, Sam is spared from death-by-chosen-one because he morphs into a fly, causing Big Willy to hop around Authority headquarters, swatting his hands in a frenzy. But fear not, fang girls — William has a plan up his dainty sleeves for this whole "chosen one" thing. Our little buddy tells Salome that she's chosen, and then proceeds to make sweet love to her all night long. Also, "sweet love" is code for "incredibly creepy sex."

Meanwhile, in the backwoods, Alcide has finally put on a shirt, and his new mission is to drink brewskis, wear denim-on-denim, and become the male version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Unfortunately, he kills approximately zero vamps during this episode because Rikki shows up blazed on V. Turns out JD has been juicin' the ladies in his pack, and now Alcide has no choice but to "Do The Dew" and beat the packmaster at his own game. Meet "High Alcide," a muscle-shirt wearing brosef who spends a lot of time grunting, snorting, and making various guttural noises. As you might expect, High Alcide kills JD with just a few punches, and then feels inspired to give the pack a lecture about "respecting nature." Basically, he's Mother Werewolf.

So, what about our favorite preacher man, Steve Newlin? This lovable vamp is completely traumatized by Russell's death, so he heads back to Authority Headquarters to get his bond on with Emma. Unfortunately, Rosalyn forces Steve to give a live interview about that one time he killed a bunch of frat boys, and he proceeds to vomit on camera. Yikes, seems pretty out of character — mostly because Steve isn't Steve at all! Turns out Luna morphed into a Steve Newlin skinwalker in order to rescue Emma, and our minds are officially blown.

Luna shifts back into herself mid-interview and gives the American public a warning about The Authority — and before Rosalyn can retaliate, Sam flies into her mouth and shifts. As you might expect, girlfriend explodes into goo as our hearts explode into pure joy.

And in other news, it looks like Luna might die. Way to put a damper on one of the best scenes in True Blood history, girl.

Credit: HBO    

Baby, He Was (Re)Born This Way

The time has come for Bill to be de-throned. Here's what goes down: Eric, Nora, Sookie, Tara and Jason hit up Authority HQ so Jason can kill a bunch of vamps while Eric and Nora take out Bill's entire security system. Meanwhile, Tara and Sookie rescue Pam and Jessica, inspiring Pam and Tara to make out all over the place. Poor Jessica's so turned-on by this hot hookup that she declares her love for Jason, only to be rejected because he's too busy wearing yellow goggles and being a vigilante. In short, it's a big, hot, wonderful mess.

What's Bill doing while his former friends take over The Authority? He goes completely insane in the membrane, kills Salome, and then tries to chug Lilith's blood like it's a Red Bull. Luckily, Sookie and Eric bust in, only to have Willy throw a bunch of shade at them while pursing his lips like Zoolander. Tragically, Bill decides it's a good time for yet another inspirational speech (so much Bible quoting), and proceeds to down Lil's blood before Sookie can stop him with her ugly-cries.

As you might expect, Bill ends up vomiting all over himself (ugh, get it together, Compton), and then implodes into a giant puddle. Noooooo, Bill! We loved to hate you and we hated to love you! But wait — you think Bill can be rid of that easily? Hah, as if! Bill's puddle reforms as a beautiful naked monster with a giant fang erection, leaving us with so many feelings. We don't know whether to laugh, cry, or binge eat an entire vat of gumbo, so we're going to go ahead and do all three.

Now it’s time to wait nine months until a new episode of True Blood airs — and yes, waiting sucks. Tell us what you thought of the Season 5 finale below, and leave all of your theories and speculation in the comments!

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08.27.2012 / 07:19 PM EDT by Mehera Bonner
Related: True Blood, Recaps, Spoilers

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