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The Bachelorette

Bachelor Pad 3 Recap: Kalon McMahon Loves — and Leaves With — Lindzi Cox

Usually we have to prepare our bodies for the bountiful feast that is Bachelor Pad, but this week we're preparing our minds. That's right, everything is getting super smart up in here (pointing to our brains). All you need to know is that watching this episode is the equivalent to getting a PhD in Human Anatomy with a minor in Pickle Pounding, so consider yourself educated.

For Whom The Bell Tolls

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Last time we checked in on the pioneers in Bachelor Pad, The Stag and his acoustic guitar had walked down The Boulevard of Broken Dreams, leaving Rachel in a puddle of tears. Poor girl can't handle life without Michael's dulcet tones, but it looks like she's going to have to fluff those bangs and man-up, because Nick is her new partner! And their first challenge is one that will go down in Bachelor Pad history.

The bachelors and bachelorettes are a lot of things (drunk, weirdly moist, hungry for food that isn't Jungle Juice), but they aren't exactly known for their smarts. Which is why this week's challenge is the most sinister yet. Not only does Chris Harrison curl his cupid hair in extremely tight ringlets (foretelling doom), he forces his victims to do things like "spell."

First, Blakeley misspells "engagement ring" (FYI, the only words she does know how to spell are "hot," "wax," and "vagina"), Kalon misspells "rose ceremony," and then Ed misspells "aphrodisiac," which was shocking to say the least. Meanwhile, the tribe of snobby children who are judging this whole thing couldn't be more disgusted, and it's just like, go back to Hogwarts nerds. Who needs your hipster glasses and passive aggressive buzzer-ringing? Not these guys.

The challenge comes down to Ed and Jaclyn vs Chris and Sarah, but Charah win this thing by correctly spelling "serendipity!" Sadly, this causes Blakeley to spiral into a fit of crying, and we can only imagine that she'll take her emotions out on Tony's danger zone. Run and hide, Pied Piper. Run and hide.

Away In A Manger

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There's nothing more romantic than getting jiggy with it in front of a menagerie of wild animals, right guys? Chris and Sarah head out on their romantic overnight date to the backwoods of California, where they take a ride on The Little Engine That Couldn't, dive into a possibly bacteria-infested mud bog, and frolic in nature. In short, they act like free-spirited hippies high on their love for one another.

Unfortunately, Chris' heart is still broken thanks to Emily "Temptress" Maynard and her cleopatra clip-in, but it looks like he's ready to move on with Sarah. Girlfriend is so perky and adorable, how can he resist her charms?! These two have a beautiful night of romance and hillbilly charm, and get the surprise of their lives when they're forced to eat dinner in the middle of a rustic barn. And when we say "rustic," we mean that the floor is saturated in cow placenta, udder milk, and mass amounts of hay. And we can't even talk about the fact that there wasn't a bed in site, which means Chris and Sarah presumably slept next to some feral goats.

Meanwhile back at The Pad, everyone is trying to figure out who to vote off now that Chris and Sarah have roses, and they have their eye on Lindzi and Kalon. Sigh, don't mess with the best 'cause the best don't mess, y'all.

Island Fever

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The time for pickling vegetables is upon us. Turns out Ed and Jaclyn are awesome at spelling, so Chris sends them on a romantic plane ride to "The Middle Of Nowhere", where they roam freely in the wild and real talk about their relationship. Here's the deal: Despite the fact that Ed's been playing "Pass The Pickle" with Jaclyn, he has a girl back home, which is making Jaclyn feel all kinds of insecure.

These two try to real-talk about their feelings R-Kelly style over a romantic dinner, but a) Ed's '90s hair spikes are super distracting, and b) Jaclyn breaks down into a fit of ugly-cries. In other words, worst date ever. The verdict? Ed wants to sleep in the same bed as Jaclyn because he trusts her (basically, she's his happy place), but he doesn't want to define their love. Ergo, she shall continue peppering his pickle.

Meanwhile, back at The Pad, Tony sets up a romantic date for his special "p*ssy waxer," wherein he and Blakeley drink wine, lounge around on some throw pillows, make out and chat about their connection.

OMG, y'all — get ready for a twist! Turns out, Jaclyn and Ed get to gift roses to one couple as a reward for kinda-sorta knowing how to spell, and the lucky pair are none other than Tony and his keeper, Blakeley. This means Kalon + Lindzi, Rachel + Nick, and Jaclyn + Ed are on the chopping block!

Obviously alliances are forming all over the place, everyone's wearing a protective shield of glitter, and there are even more candles than usual. So, which dynamic duo says sayonara to Chris Harrison's love nest? None other than Kalon and Lindzi, who makeout in their limo, and go back from whence they came (aka Kalon's helicopter). We love you long time, Kalzone!