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The Bachelorette

Bachelor Pad 3 Recap: Rachel and Nick Bring Chris and Sarah With Them to Finale

Another day, another makeout session with our TV screens as Chris Harrison's beautiful visage wanders around Bachelor Pad.

It's almost time for our journey with these wayward souls to come to a close (nooooo!), which means the competition is heating up faster than Blakeley's bikini wax. In other words, it's smokin'. This week's challenges are more extreme, everyone is even more drunk than usual, and at this point we're positive that at least half of these people have some kind of fungal infection.

Livin' On a Prayer

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There's nothing more beautiful than the sight of our Bachelor Pad contestants strung up in their bikinis while being forced to hang over some tepid water, right guys? Right?! This week, Chris Harrison's delicate flower children put their knowledge of the Bachelor Franchise to the test with a cruel and unusual game of trivia. The punishment for a wrong answer? Being dunked in a pool — Nick Jr. style.

Obviously, most of these poor creatures have a PhD in Bachelor History... except for Blakeley. Who knows what this lady was doing while she should have been researching Emily Maynard's weave collection, but we can only assume pubic hair and wax were involved.

Not-so-shockingly, Chris and Sarah are the lucky winners of the challenge, and as a reward they get to pick a couple to vote off! After a super-serious makeout session followed by a super-serious conversation about feelings, the dynamic duo decide to eliminate Blakeley and Tony — which means our little Pied Pieper has been auf'd! It's like, he was doing it for his son, sob.

Um, also, Tony's departure causes Ed to cry, just saying. And when we say Ed, we mean the whole entire world.

Sister Christian

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You guys, things are happening. This week is a double challenge on Bachelor Pad, which is basically just an excuse for Chris Harrison to subject his love nest to some good ol' fashioned public humiliation — funky town style. Yep, everyone is forced to sing "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger. Our ears.

Of course, first The Pad enjoy a private concert courtesy of ye old timey Night Ranger, who serenade them in a giant empty arena while Chris Harrison looks on with glee. The challenge? Each couple has to do a choreographed rendition of "Sister Christian" in front of fangirls, where they'll be judged on their ability to remember the lyrics, put on a great show, and act like normal human beings.

As you might expect, none of these confuzzled beauties can sing, and several fuzzy forest animals commit squirrelcide (don't worry, The Stag is safe) during their spontaneous rehearsal session at The Pad. Even the random "voice coaches" ABC found wandering around the American Idol lot couldn't help the situation.

We've been rendered partially speechless from screaming "Motoringggg!" at our televisions — but here are some highlights from the show:

1. Nick puts on mascara, pretends not to like it.
2. Chris Bukowski does push ups against a wall.
3. Chris Harrison slays a million ladies with his beautiful eyes.
4. Nick whisper-sings the word "mama."
5. Sarah writhes around the stage while doing pelvic thrusts, everyone goes blind with body-envy.
5. Ed and Jaclyn forgets the lyrics and dry-hump each other for no apparent reason.
6. Ed's pickle explodes all over Night Ranger, everything remains awkward — if by awkward we mean amazing, which we do.

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So, who wins this battle of the songstresses? Rachel and Nick (duh!), which means they get to vote one couple out of the Pad. Poor Rachel is put in a tricky situation because Jaclyn's her bestie — but Nick wants to keep Chris around in the hopes that their fellow contestants will vote against him in the finals. It's like Rachel's heart wants to boot out Chris and Sarah, but her bangs want to vote out Jaclyn and Ed. Sigh, thoughts.

As you may have guessed, Jaclyn is devastated when Rachel and Nick vote her off, and girlfriend spirals into a fit of ugly crying the likes of which we haven't seen since that one time Jamie sobbed herself to sleep in a wet bikini. We'll never forget you, Jaclyn and Ed. Mostly because pickle-themed nightmares will haunt us for the rest of our lives.