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The X Factor

Best Quotes From X Factor Season 2, Live Shows #1: “Mario Lopez! Can I Pinch Your Butt?”

The time has come to clutch your Simon Cowell shaped blow-up doll and wave your hands in the air like you just don't care, but actually you do care.

Yes, The X Factor Live Shows are upon us, and you know what that means. Get ready to feel a glistening waterfall of word-vom rain on your skin. The judges are unedited and unfiltered (looking at you, Britney Spears), everyone is completely toasted on Pepsi, and most of the contestants are covered in "chill bumps." To celebrate, we've rounded up the top 10 quotes of the night!

10. Khloe says hey to the audience: "Happy Halloween to everyone in the audience!"
Subtext: All of you will die here tonight.

9. Simon calls out L.A.: "You've completely and utterly cock f*cked him."
Kinda like cock fighting, but sexier.

8. Simon remains pervy, wants to eat you: "I'd like to reintroduce the 'We Are Allowed To Bite Each Other' rule."
Dude, there is no cannibalism in the arena. Get your head in the game.

7. Britney surveys David Correy: "I felt you. A lot."
So many jokes, so little time.

6. Jason Brock meets Mario Lopez: "Mario Lopez! Can I pinch your butt?!"
This is the only appropriate reaction to meeting Mario Lopez.

5. Mario tries to make conversation with Diamond: "I saw you with that little boyfriend over there on the bench."
That's not creepy or anything, Mario.

4. Demi bonds with Paige: "It would be amazing if we could shave your head!"
Britney is having so many horrible flashbacks right now.

3. Simon checks out Khloe's nipples: "I think the air conditioning's a little high tonight."
Um, we think you might be high, Simon.

2. Khloe gives Diamond some wisdom: "Don't let your mom kill you."
Somewhere, Kris Jenner is sharpening her shiv.

1. Beatrice compliments Britney: "She totally gets what it's like to be a kid."
We're trying really hard not to make a conservatorship joke....