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Real Housewives of Atlanta

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap of Season 5 Premiere: Kenya Moore Makes Her First Enemy … Cynthia Bailey!

Oh how we've missed our Hotlanta ladies. This season, complete with new signature quotes in the opening credits, we're saying goodbye to one of the originals, Sheree Whitfield, but like some sci-fi monster, her chopped head has been replaced by two new drama-riffic women: Kenya Moore and Porsha Williams-Stewart. If you thought Marlo Hampton was cray-cray, just wait ... it should be an interesting year!

Without further ado, it's time for our weekly dose of insanity — here's what went down on Season 5, Episode 1 of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Let's do this!

Don't Know What You Got ... Till She Really Becomes Rich, Bitch

We start the evening off with a rather cozy scene in NeNe Leakes' kitchen, where Gregg is trying to get some lovin' from his ex-wife in exchange for bringing in her mail. Definitely not what we were expecting.

Apparently, now that NeNe's kinda a big deal, what with her role on Glee and The New Normal about to begin filming, Gregg is pretty much kissing the ground she walks on, desperate for a second chance. Honestly, it was a little sad to witness, but NeNe is actually considering a reconciliation and is focusing her energy on him.

When she reveals to Gregg that she's thinking about moving out to Los Angeles, Gregg responds, "When we going?" Down, boy.

Later on, NeNe meets with Ryan Murphy, creator of Glee, Nip/Tuck, and American Horror Story, to discuss her new sitcom, The New Normal. In related news, holy crap! Ryan Murphy is on The Real Housewives of Atlanta! Crazy.

Hello, Young Lovers

Across town, Kandi Burruss is out with her new boo, Todd, whom she met during the Africa trip last season. And may we just say, score! Todd is a much hotter version of Chris Rock, and super sweet, too. Anyway, as they approach their one-year anniversary, the couple is in the process of shacking up together. Kandi also reveals that they talk about kids all the time, though she's hoping he'll put a ring on it before they embark on that adventure — no word on where Todd stands on the old marriage issue. One thing they do agree on is that they want a son and they want to name him Kash. Uh-oh.

Pregnant and Moving ... Again

Speaking of, a very pregnant Kim Zolciak (with her second son, Kash!), is about to celebrate her other little guy's first birthday. It's not all balloons and cake in the Biermann household, however, since it turns out that Kim and Kroy have to move out of their mansion in less than two weeks. Long story short, they planned on buying the house, but it didn't appraise how they predicted, so they're passing, and things are not exactly peachy with the landlords. Oh, and the quote from the packing and moving company? $101,000. Seriously? Poor Kim can't even have a glass of wine to calm her nerves.

Later, she goes to check out Kandi's new digs, which may be in a questionable neighborhood, but at least they are all hers. We sense a little good, old-fashioned jealousy.

Kandi's house, by the way, happens to have a big-ass guest house right next door — is there a Full House situation in the works?

In better Kim news, Sweetie is back on her staff ... yay!

Til' Death Do Us ... Bark?

When we last saw her, Phaedra Parks was busy getting trained in all things funeral and tonight she's continuing on that path. In her mission to become "the Vera Wang of funerals," Phaedra knows she has to step up her game and she has just the plan: expand the business to anything that can be buried. We're talking pet funerals here. Or, in her words, fabulous celebrations, doggie-bones sendoffs.

We have no words here, really.

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But She Doesn't Wanna Go! Or Maybe She Does and You're All Crazy

Elsewhere in Hotlanta, Cynthia Bailey and her hubby Peter Thomas are hosting Cynthia's ex, Leon, aka Noelle's Dad. Leon is none too pleased when he finds out that Noelle is going to be doing homeschooling for another year, her last one before high school. Siding with his wife, Peter points out that Noelle acted "sad" in the mornings when it was time to go to school. Whoa, whoa, whoa — are you telling us that a 12-year-old is bummed that she has to get up in the morning and go to middle school? We've never heard of such a thing! In case sarcasm isn't your strong point, yeah, we're gonna have to agree with Leon on this one.

That being said, when Noelle joins the conversation, she claims she never wanted to be homeschooled in the first place and that she wants to go back to school this year without question. Anyone else confused?

Welcome to Kenya

Miss Lawrence, who was almost unrecognizable in a man's hat and vest, had the pleasure of introducing us to newbie Kenya, whom he's known for 12 years. Here's what we found out about the former Miss U.S.A: she always gets what she wants, she's got an ex in Houston, she's got a new man named Walter who wants marriage and (more) kids, and she's a total commitment-phobe. After six marriage proposals, it's clear that Kenya isnot that type and she prefers to live in her 7,000 square-foot home alone. But, as we get to know more about her story (mom who deserted her, aunt who stepped up), we also learn that she wants to be ready for the next steps with Walter here in Atlanta.

We're also informed that she will beat a bitch down — looks like Kenya's gonna fit right in.

Coochie Crack and Bodyguards

Indeed, Kenya gets off to a Hotlanta-worthy start by rubbing the tamest of all the Housewives, Cynthia, the wrong way. Asked to be a judge for the Cynthia Bailey Agency's open call for JET Beauty of the Week, Kenya cracks jokes about looking for an Adam's apple on one of the girls and flat-out asking another what the hell she's doing there. Cynthia is not impressed.

Kenya then goes off on a rant about coochie crack and calls for security — her own that she has accompanying her at all times — when one of Cynthia's assistants tries to express that there's a better way to talk to people.

And so, we have our first rivalry of the season: the model against the beauty queen. So far, we're scoring round one Kenya: 1, Cynthia: 0 ... if the points are measured in crazy, that is.

Did you enjoy the premiere?