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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap of Season 3, Episode 8: Hit or Mistress

It’s time to chat with your husband’s mistress — sounds like fun! On this week’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3, Episode 8, we also get a glimpse at Beverly Hills-style yoga (which doesn’t really involve yoga), and we learn that Yolanda is not a volleyball fan. So grab your British porn, put on your tube-top/skirt, and hang onto your discharge rock!

Curb Your Enthusiasm

The episode picks up where the last one left off, as Brandi flees Kyle’s dinner party about as quickly as we would flee from a burning building. (“Save yourself Kyle is having a dinner party! Quick, help the women and children first!”) Kyle joins Brandi on the curb outside to keep her from leaving and tries to salvage the night, which is a little like realizing that your car has been totaled but being relieved that your tree-shaped air freshener is still okay.

Inside, Lisa continues butting heads with Faye. We actually think it’s hilarious when Faye says that Brandi is doing Lisa’s dirty work, since that’s exactly what Lisa and Brandi feel that Faye does for Kyle. Kyle and Lisa then return to the party after trying to comfort Brandi, but Lisa soon says goodbye. In other words, Kyle’s chef Glenn’s food might be good, but it’s not that good.

Speaking of places where we wouldn’t want to be, Taylor invites a crazy person unique individual over to do some psychic readings and, uh, suck on her own finger. The psychic learns from someone’s non-existent father (we think) that Taylor will reach a settlement in her litigation, and then she has Taylor ring a bell and hold a rock to discharge negativity. And while we’re discussing rocks, we’re wondering if this woman has a few of them in her head.

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My Mug Is Your Mug

Kyle is releasing tension from her dinner party by meeting up with her pal Marisa for a little backyard yoga. However, it was less like a yoga session and more like a conversation while wearing yoga pants. In fact, the yoga instructor was getting so frustrated that we were thinking he could use a rock to discharge some negativity of his own.

Brandi meets Lisa for a shopping spree, although our own rule of thumb is that when an item of clothing can be used as both a skirt and a tube top, you need to put it down and walk far, far away. We then hear Brandi refer to Faye as a “chick with a dick” (what a very PC thing to say), and when Lisa brings up the possibility of meeting with Scheana — who slept with Brandi’s ex-husband, Eddie Cibrian — Brandi calls her a hooker. Brandi is making friends left and right!

We haven’t seen much of Yolanda in recent weeks, so it’s nice to catch up with her. Her segment isn’t the most dramatic, but it’s nice to see that — despite her fancy fridge — she is not too much better at cooking than the rest of us are. (Turn down the heat on that stove, Yolanda!) But what was up with her comments about volleyball and Lakers jerseys being too masculine? We’re in the 21st century, Yolanda — feel free to join us here whenever you’d like.

Adrienne has decided to take a break from the women for a bit, so we see her meet with Paul to discuss their upcoming line of skin care products. It’s safe to say that we’ve never heard the word “exfoliate” used so many times in a three-minute span before in our lives. It’s also safe to say that, if Paul is gonna give Adrienne a hard time about drinking from his mug, he should probably just invest in some disposable cups.

Say My Name, Say My Name

We haven’t seen Brandi and Camille spend much time together this season, so it was cute to hear Brandi say that she actually loves Camille, as they’ve endured such similar romantic turmoil. In fact, Camille reveals to Brandi that her kids aren’t even allowed to say her name or the word “mom” around Kelsey. Sounds totally healthy to us!

Taylor gets a stressful call from her lawyer, informing her that she needs to hand her wedding ring and a few Hermes bags over to Russell’s old business partner to alleviate her debt. She is in tears on the phone, but by the time she meets with Kyle and Lisa’s families for dinner to celebrate her settlement, she is in much better spirits. Looks like that “unique individual” — aka, the discharge rock lady — was right about the settlement after all! We stand corrected.

Finally, it’s time for Brandi to sit down with Scheana at SUR and clear the air. Brandi has no problem delivering some low blows at first, as she tells Scheana that her own life is better than Scheana’s is. We’re not sure how Brandi came to that conclusion, since they’re both currently on the same show, but we’re not really going to be the ones to argue with her.

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Scotty Is So Dead

But then Scheana fires back, telling Brandi that she and Eddie didn’t just meet up on Tuesday nights, as Brandi was told, but that they actually went to restaurants together — including one that Brandi went to with him. He apparently also met Scheana’s mother.

Brandi had been told that her friend Scotty didn’t know about Scheana, but Scheana says that’s a lie. And we’re like, “How could you, Scotty?!” And we wondered, “Who the heck is Scotty?”

But Scheana seems to soften a bit when Brandi starts talking about her children and how she doesn’t want anything to hurt them. Brandi then goes to leave, but the two miraculously leave on a (somewhat) positive note as Brandi pats Scheana’s shoulder on the way out. If only tensions in the Middle East could be resolved by a friendly shoulder pat, too.

So what did we think of the episode? Well, it was certainly a tense one, between the aftermath of the Brandi-Adrienne-Faye feud, Taylor’s financial stress, and then the Brandi-Scheana showdown. Also, it seems like Kyle and Kim are even more distant than we realized, as Kyle hears that Kim was spotted at a cigar club. Say it ain’t so, Kim!

As for the sitdown between Brandi and Scheana, we’re proud of Brandi for being willing to subject herself to such agony. But we have to say that Scheana didn’t really impress us, as she came off as somewhat glib and self-centered, and she didn’t seem to appreciate the damage that she’s caused. A note to Scheana: You’re going to get older some day, too. Just FYI.

In the meantime, all this tension has left us a little bit stressed. Where’s a discharge rock when we need one? And we could also use a drink — as long as it’s not out of Paul’s mug.

01.8.2013 / 01:09 PM EDT by Ryan Gajewski
Related: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Recaps

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