Bachelor 2013 Promo Analysis: Sean Cries Rose-Shaped Tears
The Bachelor has commenced, and it's even more wonderful than we imagined! Lucky for us (LUCKY FOR THE WORLD), ABC has released an extended promo of season 17, and we've analyzed each second content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come! Namely, nudity, monkeys, screaming, and hospitalization.
0:01 – Hoard Of Shrieking Ladies Runs Down Beach An ABC intern must have accidentally left food out.
0:02 – Sean Checks Out Some Peeps Dressed Up As Birds Sigh, change back into your suit, Chris Harrison. Bridle these urges.
0:04 – Sean Walks Into Palace MADE OF ICE WTF, don't the producers know his abs are allergic to temperatures under 80 degrees?
0:10 – Sean Skips Gleefully Down The Beach With His Friends He's like the most eager labrador retriever ever.
0:11 – Sean Tries To End It All, Hurls Himself Off Building Oh, wait never mind. It's just a one-on-one date.
0:15 – Sean Forces One Of His Ladies To Lurk Under A Waterfall This is Last of the Mohicans all over again. Also, if you don't understand our 90s movie references, we don't understand you.
0:16 – ABC Forces Contestants On Terrifying Rollercoaster, Everyone Plummets To Their Doom We can't even imagine the waivers these people had to sign.
0:20 – Sean and Catherine Make Out On A Pirate Ship OMG, we love some good ol' fashioned Peter Pan/Captain Hook role playing.
0:24 – Sean Laughs Uproariously For No Reason Probably re-living that time Robyn tried to do a backflip.
0:34 – Sean Forces His Date To Hike Down A Cliff If we didn't know better, we'd think he was trying to kill them all.
0:46 – Sean And Lady Friend Plunge Into Murky Pool Of Water (aka The Ocean) See what we mean?
0:55 – Montage Of Sean Making Out With Various Women Looks like Arie's kissing tips really paid off!
1:12 – Everyone Side-Eyes At Each Other In Disgust It's like this house is filled with 26 Lauren Conrads.
1:25 – Desiree's Boyfriend Crashes The Party How. DARE. SHE.
1:28 – Tierra Claims That Chocolate Chip Cookies "Taste Like Sh*t" Annnnnd, our friendship with her is over.
1:38 – AshLee Narcs On Tierra To Sean Duh. Cookie Haters have no place on The Bachelor.
1:48 – Tierra Says She's "Above Everyone Else" At the rate she's going, girl is going to find a horse head in her bed.
2:00 – The Ladies Get In A Roller Derby Fight This is like the sexy version of that Drew Barrymore movie.
2:17 – Tierra Is Whisked Away In An Ambulance While Sobbing Clearly, her adorable Yorkie snuck on set and tried to eat her.
2:25 – Montage Of Ladies Ugly-Crying In Various Candlelit Rooms Title speaks for itself.
2:37 – Sean Lowe Shed Tender Tears Every time a teardrop falls from his eye, a stud gets its wings.
2:54 – Sean Trolls Beach Shirtless Trying to find himself, we assume. Not to mention some clothing.
3:09 – Feral Monkey Photobombs Sean's Makeout Session We've named him Emily Maynard.
3:11 – Sean Fondles Engagement Ring We do, Sean! WE DO FOREVER.