Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap of Season 3, Episode 9: Moroccan Madness
It’s the Battle of the Househusbands — who’s back do ya have? In this week’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Mauricio woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and we’re here to sort it all out. It’s time to call your life coach, hop on your pink swing, and squeeze a ridiculous number of lemons!
When Life Gives You Lemons, Start the Master Cleanse
The episode begins with Lisa debriefing Brandi, as Scheana Marie has just told her waaay more than she wanted to know about her tryst with Eddie Cibrian. Lisa gets them a glass of rosé as they discuss what just happened — and frankly, we could have used one, too. Yes, Brandi and Scheana’s convo was that stressful (not that we need an excuse to drink wine).
Kyle heads over to Yolanda’s place to try the master cleanse (bad choice, Kyle!). Yolanda can’t stop talking about how great the cleanse is, but this is also the woman who reminded her stick-thin 17-year-old daughter to keep to her diet, so you can probably take Yolanda’s recommendation with a grain of salt.
Yolanda then tells Kyle that Kim has been flaking on her lately, and Kyle is about as shocked as you would be if someone told you that Abraham Lincoln gets shot at the end of the movie Lincoln. (Spoiler alert!)
Speaking of Kim, we see her meeting up with Gary, her life coach (If we were Gary’s life coach, we would tell him to shave that mustache). Gary tells Kim that she needs to take time to make amends with Kyle. He also tells Kim that taking another drink “will f**k up your world.” Way to end on an upbeat note, Gary.
Do You Swing?
Lisa meets with her hottie Villa Blanca chef Francis, and she does one thing we’ve never done before in our lives: Say no to a banana split. In fact, if it were up to us, we would eat around the banana — don’t want to fill up on unnecessary fruit when there’s all that ice cream to tackle!
Meanwhile, Ken is being ridiculously cute and Ken-like, installing a pink swing and heart-shaped flower garden. Aww! When Lisa arrives, he surprises her with a ride on the swing — which he hopes will lead to a ride in the bedroom (keep hoping, Ken).
He also asks her to renew their vows, and she responds much in the way someone might respond when asked if they want paper or plastic. C’mon, Lisa — at least try to sound excited!
Kyle picks up Marisa for dinner in a limo, which is how we always pick up our friends for dinner. They meet the other ladies at a Moroccan restaurant, including Brandi, who informs them that Adrienne is going to sue her if she doesn’t sign a document promising to no longer talk about her family. And so the saga continues.
Get Your Dollar Bills Ready!
Kim meets Marisa for the first time, and then Yolanda hassles Kim for not meeting up when they had planned to start the master cleanse, although Kim doesn’t remember having made plans with her.
She explains to Yolanda that she can’t do the cleanse because of her metabolism, but if you ask us, she shouldn’t really need a long explanation for why she doesn’t want to stop eating food. Come to think of it, has Yolanda ever had food?
Kim then tries to talk things out with Kyle, but it seems to be strange timing, as it’s in the middle of a noisy group function with dinner about to be served. This isn’t what Gary meant, Kim!
After a bellydancing-turned-stripping session that is borderline offensive, Taylor tells Lisa — or is it “Leeza”? — that she feels guilty dating after Russell’s death. Camille says she shouldn’t feel this way, and then she congratulates Taylor for settling her lawsuit. Once again, kudos to Camille for being the unlikely voice of reason.
Brandi makes the ill-advised choice to bring up her legal issues with Adrienne. Surprisingly, Mauricio chimes in and says Brandi should have the “common sense” to call Adrienne, regardless of whether lawyers have been involved.
Brandi suddenly wants to leave the restaurant, but Taylor tells her to stay and dramatically grabs her hand, like she’s reenacting a scene from Thelma and Louise.
Mauricio wants to know why Brandi said what she did about Adrienne’s family, so Ken pipes in, saying it doesn’t matter why she said it, as it was the truth. Mauricio keeps sarcastically asking if Brandi said it “to be nice,” and Ken says something about how Brandi doesn’t have a man by her side. Uh... okay, Ken.
Then, because not enough people were involved, Kim decides to kick up some dirt, too. She brings up the “crystal meth” incident with Brandi from Season 2, pointing out that Brandi is known for incendiary comments.
And speaking of Season 2, Lisa points out that no one came to her defense when Adrienne accused her of selling stories. Well, that doesn’t sit well with Mauricio, who says that no one “gives a s**t about selling stories.” Apparently, Mauricio knows exactly what everyone gives a s**t about and doesn’t give a s**t about, thank you very much.
Whew! And to think that this was supposed to be the dinner party that makes Marisa realize that the previous dinner party was a once-in-a-lifetime disaster.
We suppose we understand that Mauricio is still bitter about the fact that Brandi and Adrienne’s spat had to be played out at his work function, but he seemed a bit hostile this week, especially to Ken and Lisa. And Brandi may have thought that she and Kim had patched things up, but Kim clearly does not agree.
Speaking of Ken, who knew that the men were as fond of sparring as the ladies? Plus, we’re starting to see a little meanness from Yolanda, which isn’t fun. And Taylor seems to again be not exactly sober by the end of the night. Translation: There were a whole slew of guilty parties here.
Overall, it was another shocking and insanity-filled episode, and we can’t wait to see how things get resolved next week. In the meantime, we could use a snack. Anyone want a banana-free banana split?