The Bachelor 2013 Recap: Shirtless Sean Lowe, The First Kiss, and Real Talk
Sean Lowe really wants us to know that he's funny. He's just a barrel of ab-shaped laughs, guys, LOL! Sean's season of The Bachelor is going to be full of hijinks (oh, the hijinks!) and lately he's been pranking all over the place. Basically, he's Ashton Kutcher circa Punk'd but instead of playing tricks on celebrities, he plays tricks on nomadic tribes of single ladies.
Sean was even feistier than usual this week, so please sit back and join us on this spiritual love journey. Supplies needed: a diary with which to pen your erotic thoughts.
Have we told you how much we love Sarah, Sean's one-armed future wife? We don't want to be all "SHE ONLY HAS ONE ARM," but we just admire her so much! Naturally, Sean choses Sarah as his first one-on-one date (because duh), and where does he take her? To the top of a skyscraper. And what does he make her do at the top of said skyscraper? Plummet to her doom.
Poor Sarah is like "um, why are you trying to murder me?" but she's such a champ that she plunges off the building and lands in a beautiful paradise filled with red wine and traffic noises. Yep, Sean takes Sarah on a romantic picnic as a reward for not dying, and she decides to open up about her physical challenges –– including one traumatic zip-lining experience in Vegas wherein she wasn't allowed to zip thanks to her disability. Whatever, Las Vegas, we shall never gamble in your heaving bosom again.
As you might expect, Sean gives Sarah a rose. Basically, we're crying, Sean's crying (on the inside), and our wine is crying into our mouths. Who else wants Sarah and Sean to get married right now? WE DO FOREVER, SARAH.
It's that time of the month again! Sean is taking his first batch of babes on a group date, and their mission? To compete in a romance novel photoshoot.
Guys, where to begin? Maybe with Sean shirtless in a cowboy hat chewing hay? Or maybe with Sean tapping into his inner Twi-Hard with some vampire love-making? Or maybe with Tierra trying to dry-hump him under a balcony? Either way, Kristy won the three book Harlequin cover deal thanks to essentially consummating her love for Sean on camera, so congratulations girl!
In the words of R.Kelly, after the show there's the after (pool) party, and this week's cocktail hour is more than a little deranged. Most of the women spend their evening trying not to hurl themselves into a pool of tepid water, Lesley and Sean get slightly tipsy and make out next to a rose bush (the roses see all, Sean), and Katie has a weird yogi meltdown about how "different" she is and decides to go home (the downward dog will answer all your questions, shhhh). So, which lucky lady gets the group rose? That would be Sean's home girl Kacie B. To the left, haters.
You've Been Punk'd!
Remember how much of a prankster Sean is? This week he takes Desiree on a one-on-one date to an fake art show (because Sean appreciates art, mmmk?), and watches as she breaks a "million dollar" sculpture. Ahahahaha, you've just been bamboozled, Desiree, you mere mortal, you! Also, shout out to The Bachelor props team for creating all these "paintings." Their idea of what art looks like is truly fascinating.
Luckily, Desiree is completely charmed by Sean's hilarious ways (again, THE HIJINKS!), and after she freaks out about breaking Sven The Artist's masterpiece, she and Sean share a romantic dinner at his bachelor pad. Not to be confused with The Bachelor Pad.
These two bond all over the place about how adorable their parental units are, and then, guys? Then Sean strips off his shirt, gets into a hot tub, and lets Desiree touch his perfect body. In fact, they even share a makeout session with tongue. Sure, Sean probably wishes he was smooching his other girlfriend, Arie Luyendyk Jr., but it's like get in line.
The Rose Ceremony
Walking into The Rose Ceremony is kind of like walking into the Eye of Mordor (totally topical reference, don't judge), only everyone is Gollum. These ladies pretty much spend the entire evening staring wistfully into glasses of white wine and hating on Amanda and her rose-shaped shoulder pads, while Sean tells us that he loves WOMEN OF ALL COLOR. He wants to date the rainbow, guys.
But who gets sent home by Sean "Coat Of Many Colors" Lowe? Three ladies (including Katie) get deflowered this week, but poor Diana and Brooke are auf'd during the ceremony and sent packing. Clearly Sean isn't ready for their jelly.