It's a typical day in the neighborhood! Sean Lowe continues to be a nudist, Chris Harrison continues to troll the hills and valleys of Bachelor Mansion gathering roses in his trug, and the contestants continue to be deprived of human contact. Please gather your Bachelor viewing supplies (a dream journal and a paper bag) and settle in to this recap because all is right in the world. Other than the fact that centaurs don't exist. Nothing will ever be right about that.
C'mon and Kiss The Girl!
As we know from last week's episode, Lesley loves nothing more than getting white wine wasted and making out with Sean in front of strangers. Which is why their one-on-one date is totally meant to be!
Sean takes Lesley to the Guinness World Records headquarters to chill out with a bunch of middle aged ladies in visors, and their mission? To set the record for longest on-screen kiss. Which basically means they have to make out completely sober while Chris Harrison and a bunch of retired Floridians take pictures (oh, and some random bearded man who would not stop licking his lips). Let's just say this kiss-a-thon was even more awkward than that time we made out with a pillow.
Despite a hefty amount of dry-mouth, Sean and Lesley cap off their voyeuristic adventure with a romantic date, wherein they snuggle on a wicker bench surrounded by candles and kiss some more. Sean's tongue is the most powerful muscle in his body, guys! So, does Lesley get the rose? Uh-duh.
Are you ready for a game of shirts and skins, by which we mean just skins? This week, Sean allows his fleet of ladies out of Bachelor Mansion for a gleeful trip to the beach, wherein they frolic around like happy labrador retrievers, try not to drown in a riptide, and gawk at Sean's herculean body as it glistens in the sun. It's all so joyful and wonderful, until Chris Harrison wanders in wearing linen pants (GO BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME [a rose bush]) and announces that everyone has to plays sports. Um, no thank you.
Here's the deal: the contestants divide up into two teams for a friendly game of beach volleyball, and the winning team gets to spend the night with Sean! The losing team? They're put in time out at Bachelor Mansion to think about what they've done.
Tragically, half these girls have no concept of ballplay outside Sean's pants, and after flailing their arms around like lost beach monkeys, Catherine, Taryn, Leslie, Daniella, Tierra, and Kristy (who's sobbing hysterically) get sent back to the mansion. Which leaves Lindsay, Jackie, Robyn, Desiree, Amanda and Kacie on a romantic date with Sean! Unfortunately, our bachelor is super tired after a long day of flexing, and he's in no mood for drama. In fact, he goes ahead and calls Kacie a "crazy person" when she dares to shade Amanda "Actual Crazy Person" Meyer, and spends the rest of the evening drunk, grumpy and making out with literally everyone.
Stairway to Heaven
Bachelor Mansion is a dangerous place full of sinister carbs masquerading as cookies, thongs masquerading as swimsuits, and feisty yorkie terriers masquerading as people named Tierra.
This gal is a lot of things (most of which are slightly terrifying), but coordinated? Not so much. In fact, she ends up flopping down the stairs in despair when Sean comes to pick AshLee up for her one-on-one date, and the poor thing is partially wheeled away on a stretcher while everyone side-eyes her. And when we say everyone, we mean Sean, whose muscles go flaccid, rendering him completely useless.
Luckily, Sean and AshLee are still able to go on their date once Tierra is (presumably) whisked away to the nearby sanitorium, but surprise! Sean invites two random teens from the Starlight Foundation to join in on the fun, which is basically the most emotional thing ever. SEAN IS SUCH A GOOD PERSON, we just want to devote our wombs to bearing his children.
As usual, Sean decides to get his romance on by forcing Ash to plummet to her doom on a rollercoaster. But the good news? As a reward for not dying, Sean treats his lady love to a private concert courtesy of the Eli Young Band, aka That Group of People You've Never Heard Of. But then guys? Then Ashley makes Sean cry man-tears with her beautiful story of adoption, which inspires his tongue pays a visit into her mouth. And yes, he gives her a rose, did you not read the part about his tears?!
The Rose Ceremony
We love nothing more than a Bachelor cocktail party, mostly because the words "cock" and "tail" are involved. This week, Sean works his way through his harem of ladies, most of whom are so deprived of sustenance that they're near tears.
No, like, actually everyone is crying. Including Sarah, who thinks she's being sent home until her adorable puppy bursts out of a car. Oh, Sean you trickster, you! Too bad the rest of this evening is like Bad Girls Club all over again, complete with finger-wagging.
So, whose ovaries get kicked out of Sean's love nest? Say adieu to Kristy, Kacie (who Sean kicks off in private — see you on Bachelor 18, girl!) and Taryn. Buh-bye, fellow bugaboos.