Bachelor 2013 Power Rankings: Tierra Fake Falls Her Way to the Top
Sean Lowe is so dazed and confused, poor little lamb. This god amongst men wakes up in the morning, puts on his blue swim trunks, flaunts his shirtless body for a bunch of strangers holding cameras, and then makes out with whomever is sitting in front of him. But the time has come to separate the weak from the strong and find Sean's future wife! Please join us as we rank the most powerful players from this week's episode of The Bachelor Season 17, based on their personality, sex appeal, degrees of insanity, and chance of winning this thing!
Ranking: 5 Pros: Sarah didn't even have a date with Sean this week, but he's so obsessed with her that he broke into her house, stole her puppy, trapped it in a limo, let her hold it to her for a hot second, and then... we don't know... threw it into the ocean or something. Either way, it's adorable that Sean is thinking about Sarah –– clearly she's made quite the impression. And not just 'cause of her arm. Cons: Did you see Sarah's face when Tierra fell down the stairs? She could barely suppress her LOLs. We're right there with you girl, but now that Sean is fully committed to the elimination diet, you should probably play nice.
Ranking: 4 Pros: Lindsay is a family girl, and lord knows nothing turns Sean on more than talking about middle-aged parents doing the humpty hump. In fact, Sean was so turned on by Lindsay's tale of parental love that he rammed his tongue down her throat in a frenzy. Hopefully girlfriend has a good gag reflex, cuz that thing is powerful. Cons: We're still not over the fact that Lindsay showed up to Bachelor Mansion in a wedding dress, got drunk, and tried to make out with Sean before even letting her name settle in to his thinkin’ lobes. We can forgive, but we can't forget.
Ranking: 3 Pros: Lesley managed to get through her makeout session with Sean without passing out from dehydration. This proves that she'll most likely survive the rest of her stint in Bachelor Mansion, where the only drinkable fluids are white wine and bottles of Sean's sweat. Cons: Sean and Lesley were both clutching wine glasses during their second makeout session of the evening. While this describes most of our own relationships, we’re just a little worried that they'd rather be in an intimate relationship with Franzia than with each other.
Ranking: 1 Pros: Tierra is a manipulative mastermind and we're completely obsessed with her. This girl is willing to do anything for time with Sean –– including but not limited to hurling her scantily clad body off a staircase. Yep, Tierra was literally willing to break her spine in exchange for Sean fondling her lower butt cheek. Worth it! Cons: Ummmm, nothing. She is perfect. But, like, in the same way Lindsay Lohan is perfect.