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The Bachelor

Bachelor 2013 Promo Analysis: Tierra LiCausi Says She’s “Being Tortured”

Watching the promo for next week's Bachelor Season 17 episode is the best part of our day. Like, we literally just flail around all over our Sean Lowe-shaped body pillow while huffing a bunch of roses. Next week's episode looks even more fantastic (read: deranged) than usual, mostly because Sean forces Selma to scale a cliff. And yes, he probably pushed her off said cliff.

We've analyzed each second of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!

0:25 — Sean's Car Makes Super Loud Noises
We appreciate your mastery of iMovie sound effects, ABC interns.

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0:27 — Sean Snuggles With Selma
It's all so cute and innocent until his tongue comes out to mark its territory.

0:29 — Sean and Selma Laugh Gleefully on Plane
Hahahaha, planes are hilarious!

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0:35 – Sean and Leslie Dance in a Clothing Store
Because that isn't weird.

0:37 — Sean Points at a Rock Formation
"I stood there shirtless once..."

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0:38 — Sean and Selma Climb Up a Cliff
Dear god, Chris Harrison, does your cruelty know no bounds?

0:40 — Sean and Selma Look Into Sunset
But whatever, it's not as pretty as Sean's abs.

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0:44 — Robyn Asks Sean to Taste Her Chocolate
Annnnd, everyone is super duper uncomfortable.

0:50-0:59 — Ladies Make Extremely Sad Attempt to Roller Derby
Literally, everyone falls over. Like, everyone.

1:00 — Tierra Starts Shrieking Hysterically
Probably hurled herself over a staircase again. Can't take this girl anywhere.

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1:03 — Tierra Sits in Front of the Roaring Fires of Mordor
aka Bachelor Mansion's hearth.

1:09 — Tierra Asks Robyn If She's in High School
Pshhh, Sean wishes.

1:10 — Tierra Tells Us How Smart She Is
We don't want to bring up that whole staircase thing again, but...

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1:17 — Tierra Storms Out, Wanders Into Some Creepy Back Alley
Probably where all the homeless ex-bachelors live.

1:22 — Tierra Has Complete Emotional Breakdown
Quick, Sean, take off your shirt!

1:27 — Tierra Says She's "Being Tortured"
Playing sports counts as torture as far as we're concerned, so yeah. Amen, sister.