The Bachelor 2013 Recap: Sean Keeps Tierra — and Finally Kisses Catherine
Much like a beautiful flowering rose, Sean Lowe's manhood is ready to bloom all over Bachelor Mansion. He wants babies and he wants them yesterday. Adopted babies, self-sperminated babies, the possibilities are endless. Just let the dude sow his manly seeds in your wild oats, guys, JUST LET HIM SOW.
The real question? Which lucky lady will earn the coveted role as Sean's baby-maker? Only 13 bachelorettes are still sucking from his teat, and this week Sean amps things up with another fight-to-the-death challenge. And we mean that in the most literal way possible.
Just Around the Riverbend!
ABC via WENN
Remember when Sean stood shirtless atop that rocky precipice and surveyed all the lands? He was at one with mother earth on that fated day. Basically, he was a bald eagle, only even more patriotic and also a person. Apparently Sean has a thing for "nature" and tilling the soil of our great nation, so this week he whisks Selma Alameri away in a private jet (wherein they tenderly hold hands), and forces her to climb up a cliff at Joshua Tree National Park. OMG, who knew Sean was a U2 fan? Ah-LOL!
As we all know, Sean loves nothing more than pushing his dates off buildings, and poor Selma is terrified that she'll plunge down a mountain to her doom. The good news? She doesn't die. The bad news? Sean forces her to stare into a sunset (nature's abs), and she basically goes blind while a weird bird yells "CAW-CAWWW" at her. Also, feel free to break into "Colors of The Wind" from Pocahontas at any point. Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon, Selma? The rainstorm and the river are my brothers.
Unfortunately, Sean and Selma run into a bit of a problem when he tries to tongue his way into her heart after dinner. Apparently, this particular bachelorette doesn't want to do the humpty hump during her first date (um, why was she cast?), but fear not! Sean is totally into her charmingly prudish ways — especially since he may or may not be a reclaimed virgin.
Also, shout out to all the traumatized desert lizards featured during this date. We pity you, friends.
ABC via WENN
There's nothing more romantic than rounding up a bunch of semi-drunken sista-friends and forcing them to rollerskate, which is — DUH — why Sean chooses to take his ladies to the derby! Naturally, most of the date is spent watching everyone flopping all over the floor, but at least the ladies get to physically abuse each other. Silver linings.
But guys? Sarah Herron is sad, and not just 'cause she only has one arm. Actually, it's totally because she only has one arm. These physical dates are slightly challenging for our girl, but luckily Sean and Sarah have a heartfelt conversation, and he's able to calm her nerves with his devastatingly beautiful frosted tips. Crisis averted — except OMG crisis not averted at all. Just when everyone seems mentally stable, poor Amanda Meyer faceplants on the floor, breaks her jaw, and ends up being hospitalized. OMG, is she alive? We don't even know (answer: yes, she's totally fine), but we're so scared.
Of course it only takes Sean five minutes to forget about Amanda's existence, and he and the bachelorettes skip gleefully over to their cocktail party. At this point, Tierra LiCausi throws a hissy fit, storms off into some alleyway, and ugly-cries about how everything is "such f*cking bullsh*t," and it's like, how much can poor Sean deal with? Frankly, we're pretty sure he gives girlfriend the rose just to shut her up.
Sigh, considering that ABC forces Sean to exercise in billowing blue shorts for five hours every morning, the poor little dove barely has any energy left.
Don't Walk Away, Babe!
ABC via WENN
We have three words for Leslie Hughes's one-on-one with Sean: Do not want. Maybe it's the fact that their date is prostitute-themed (don't even question it, just embrace it like Chris Harrison embraces linen pants), or maybe it's the fact that Leslie keeps saying "holy moley" and "winner winner chicken dinner," but the entire 24-hour love fest is making us feel weird on the inside and the outside.
First Sean treats Leslie to a Pretty Woman-esque shopping spree on Rodeo Drive and they fail to dress up like ‘90s hookers. Then he gives her a $500,000 necklace and fails the fake-close the box on her fingers (WTF SEAN, get it together). But the worst part? Neither of these two eat snails, Sean doesn't grope Leslie atop a grand piano, and at no point does girlfriend wear pleather.
Unfortunately, Sean isn't smitten with Leslie (probably because she didn't hurl herself off a cliff), so he deflowers her at dinner, breaking her heart into Richard Gere shaped pieces while doing so.
The Rose Ceremony
ABC via WENN
As usual, Sean and his lady friends spend most of the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail hour making out with each other, crying, staring into vats of white wine, and sitting way too close to Bachelor Mansion's fire pit. Poor Sean has deal with Robyn Howard asking him if he wants to "taste her chocolate" (we're so uncomfortable right now), Tierra having yet another mental breakdown, and way too much white wine. So who does he kick out of his love hive? Adieu to you, Amanda! Please take your burgundy lipstick and go back from whence you came (the '90s?).