The Bachelor 2013 Recap: Sean Is Blind to Tierra’s Crazy
Sean Lowe's flock of Bachelor hill people has been whittled down to 11 lucky ladies, and the time has come for them to become nomads. Basically, Sean is a shepherd, and his bachelorettes are a flock of sheep who want to have sex with him.
Now that this statuesque god amongst men has frolicked along the beaches of Los Angeles (traumatizing innocent sea creatures while doing so), it's time for the Season 17 Bachelor to hit up Montana and subject his victims to the great outdoors. Yep, the era of milking goat udders is upon us. And that is not a euphemism for Sean's nipples.
ABC via WENN
Sean is nuzzling (read motorboating) Mother Earth's bosom, everyone! If we know one thing about this tender-hearted cowboy it's that he loves standing shirtless on rocky cliffs, and Montana has him all kinds of excited. Like, in his loins. Of course, Sean isn't allowed to enjoy the spectacular scenery on his lonesome, so he invitesLindsay Yenter on a gorgeous helicopter ride in Glacier National Park. DON'T PANIC, they don't hit an iceberg and sink like the Titanic. Our minds went there, too (side note: damn your selfish raft-hogging, Rose!).
Naturally, Lindsay cuddles up next to Sean's plaid shirt during their romantic ride, and guys? It looks like a love-connection is blossoming like a giant rose. This gal finally opens up to Sean about her childhood while cuddling underneath a decapitated moose head, and despite the fact that she's a) not adopted, and b) doesn't make Sean cry happy-tears, she manages to pull at his heartstrings enough to nab a rose.
Sigh, Lindsay has come so far since that one time she flopped over drunk in a wedding dress, and how does Sean repay her? By forcing her to slow dance at a country music concert (to quote: "wanna be your cigarette, wanna linger on your breath") while a bunch of gawking townies pluck at their chin-tees. We'll leave you with these parting words: winner, winner, chicken dinner.
After the Show It's the After Party
ABC via WENN
You know what they say: there's nothing more romantic than gently massaging a goat udder on camera. Which is presumably why Sean asks his ladies to partake in a terrifying backwoods relay race in which they're forced to ride around in canoes, chop wood (ahahaha, that's what she said), and chug milk from an innocent goat's teat.
As usual, Chris Harrison divides the gals into two teams, and then sits back as they flop around like tragic casting rejects from Little House on the Prairie. Although, high five to Desiree Hartsock's udder-milking skills. Sean won't be disappointed once he ditches his whole "reclaimed virginity" thing.
The good news? Both teams milk their udders so hard-core that Sean decides to rescue the losers from Bachelor Mansion (aka Bachelor Shack in the Middle of Nowhere, OMG Don't Die On Us) and bring 'em to the partayyy. The bad news? Tierra LiCausi flies into a jealous rage, escapes her cell, and cock-blocks all of her competitors by macking on Sean during the cocktail party. Which, yes, basically leaves Jackie Parr all on her lonesome in a haunted lodge.
Thankfully, our herculean Bachelor isn't foolish enough to give Tierra the rose, and after he spends some time canoodling with Catherine Giudici he introduces his tongue to Daniella McBride and showers her with flower power!
Wild, Wild Horses
ABC via WENN
Tonight is the night when three become one. Yep, Sean takes both Tierra and Jackie on a two-on-one date, and all three of them proceed to become one with each other. Here's what goes down: Sean saddles his lady loves to a couple innocent horses (we're so sorry, mule friends), and they gallop off into the great unknown — presumably to partake in a three-way makeout session.
At this point, Sean finally gets a chance to bond with Jackie, but she makes the grave mistake of telling him that Tierra flirts with other guys. We all know how much Sean hates gossip, so he brings Tierra in for questioning at which point she snatches, like, a million weaves and declares that her ex-boyfriend died of an accidental drug overdose.
Poor Sean is so overcome with manmotion and weird feelings in his abs that he kicks Jackie to the curb, By which we mean he sticks her in a limo, which we assume drops her off in some creepy quarry. Poor thing is probably sawing off her leg like James Franco circa that movie we never saw.
The Rose Ceremony
ABC via WENN
So many wild animals were violated this week (Montana's goats are filing a class action lawsuit as we write this), but the rollercoaster ride is far from over. Cocktail hour is upon us — a grueling 60 minutes wherein all the ladies side-eye Tierra while making out with Sean!
You'd think this dude would be in heaven, but his abs are flaccid. Just flaccid. Poor Sean is so stressed about Tierra's cray-cray right eyebrow that he's forced to spend alone time with Chris Harrison and drown his sorrows in a bucket of roses. But don't worry guys, despite the fact that he suffers a brief existential crisis, Sean gets his head in the game and deflowers Robyn Howard like a pro. Holy Moly, Batman!