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The Bachelor

The Bachelor Recap: Catherine Restores Sean’s Faith in Finding His Wife

Please grab the hoof of your nearest goat friend (we've guilt-adopted an entire herd thanks to last night's udder violations), and join us on this beautiful journey to Canada, where Sean Lowe forces his ladies into frigid ice water and watches them turn blue like Leonardo DiCaprio circa The Titanic. Eh, guys? EH? We will never stop referencing that brilliant movie. Also good news: Sean is once agains shirtless, which means we can resume our erotic fan fiction in which we milk "goat udders" with Sean for hours. And by "goat udders," we mean lots of different things.

Ice Age

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Catherine Giudici has been waiting so long for a one-on-one date with Sean. Like, longer than the silken waterfall otherwise known as her ombre haircicle. But does she get picked up in a helicopter or driven around in a limo? Nope, she's forced to stand on top of a terrifying glacier until Sean graces her with his presence. And then he sticks her in a onesie and pushes her down a snow-covered hill during a blizzard. We're so worried about Sean's subtle death threats. Stop trying to kill people in avalanches, buddy. Also, we love your cowl neck.

Luckily, Catherine makes it out alive, and Sean celebrates by forcing her into an ice castle whittled by some poor ABC intern, which is — duh — decorated in ice roses. Meta castles, guys. We're writing a thesis right now, and it's this recap.

Despite the fact that they're pretty much frozen, Catherine and Sean get their bond on all over the place, make love with their tongues, and real-talk about this one time a tree fell on Catherine's friend and killed her. Which basically had us crying all over our meat lover's pizza, which is weird because Catherine's a vegan. We know — just go with it. (Even though ladies who don't eat bacon have no place standing next to Sean's abs.)

So, does Sean give Catherine a rose? Of course he does — they're even cuter than Sarah's dog! You know, the one Sean brought to visit in a limo which hasn't been heard from since? Pouring puppy chow out for you, buddy.

Polar Plunge

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Remember when the ladies tried to canoe in Montana and ended up flopping around in a giant bush? Apparently, Sean was super impressed. So impressed that he asks his gal pals to hop in even more canoes (presumably because he has a Pocahontas fetish), strip down to their swimsuits, and dive into the freezing cold water. Because that seems totally safe and not at all homicidal.

As you might expect, Tierra LiCausi frolicks so hard that she gets hypothermia, turns blue and ends up being shrouded in an orange plastic condom by some random lifeguard who is clearly terrible at his job. The good news? Girlfriend survives. The bad news? Sean visits her ward, where Tierra's just like this angelic being hooked up to an oxygen monitor, and he once again tries to stroke her upper-inner thighs.

Please bridle your passions, Sean. We know your nipples are erect at the image of Tierra in a hospital gown, but gird those loins. GIRD THEM. Oh, and in other news, Selma Alameri is so horrified by the suicidal nature of the group date, that she's just like "peace out, homies," and spends the afternoon slow laughing.

On that note, time for cocktail hour. You might think Tierra would sit this thing out thanks to being, you know, frozen like a big snowman, but she breaks out of her hotel room and meanders over to the party for a quick cuddle session. Of course, Sean is too busy breaking up with Sarah Herron to care. That's right, this hunky cowboy isn't feeling the love, and it's not because of Sarah's arm so don't even go there.

Brokeback Mountain

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Oh, don't worry. It's just Sean doing what he does best — rappelling down an enormous mountain with an innocent damsel in distress by his side. Yep, our favorite super-stud takes Desiree Hartsock on her second one-on-one date, and then flings her off a 400-foot cliff. We're so concerned about this dude's idea of romance. As well as the fact that all of ABC's producers are turning a blind eye to his doom-themed dates. OMG, thought: Is Sean the Grimm Reaper?

Anyway, Desiree manages to rappel her way to Sean's heart, and he rewards her spunkiness with a tree climbing session and a teepee hang-sesh, wherein they frolick with forest animals, make friends with a Yeti, catch dreams in dream catchers, chuck wood with woodchucks, and spin themselves felt booties out of goat fur (too soon?).

Just kidding, Sean and Desiree simply chat about their life problems and make out! Or, at least we assume they make out. It's kind of hard to tell considering that all we can see is their shadows against buckskin. Buckskin made of goats. (Goat jokes will never die.) Also, shoutout to that traumatized moose who is currently deaf thanks to Sean and Desiree screaming "HELLO CANADA" at him.

The Rose Ceremony

Sean's life is so hard. He spends all week skipping through the wilderness in glee, and then suddenly he's faced with the grueling task of deflowering one of his ladies. And considering that Sean is a reclaimed virgin, any kind of deflowering is really hard for his abs to stomach, even though his abs are on his stomach. But someone needs to go, and this week Sean gives Daniella McBride and Selma the axe. Auf Wiedersehen, ladies.