Credit: Vivian Zink/ABC Television Group © 2012 Disney    
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Revenge Season 2 Episode 13, “Union,” Recap: Beachside Weddings and Poolhouse Shootings

Revenge is back after a two-week hiatus, and thank God. Because our couch is currently littered with clam shells, sea glass, pieces of carrion that we accidentally confused with The Carrion Project (yes, it's traumatizing).

Basically, we've reached the rock bottom of hiatus blues, and the only thing that can get us out of this slump is more Nolan Ross. And Declan's man jewelry. And even more pizza.

Criminal Minded

You guys, something sinister is afoot. And we're not just talking about the frightening number of people who appeared barefoot in this episode. It looks like Conrad has abandoned his life of leisure in favor of trolling the docks with the Montauk Mafia, and his new plan? To turn the pier into a miniature Las Vegas –– and no amount of money from our girl Emily is going to change his mind!

Luckily, Jack has Mandy on his side, and if we know one thing about this gal, it's that she's willing to kill for love. As soon as Amanda hears about Connie's sinister plan, she breaks into Emily's house, steals a laptop full of incriminating conversations, and tells Connie to give Jack back his share of The Stowaway or else. Oh, dang guys. Ish is going down –– much like The Amanda (sob, more on that later).

In other news, Victoria is still all kinds of worried about Daniel and his ties to The Initiative (aka The Illuminati [double AKA Beyonce's BeyBeys]) –– and she has good reason. Turns out this nefarious group of leather-obsessed murderers wants to wipe out power in New York City, and they're using Grayson Global as a means to do so.

Victoria decides the only way to convince Daniel of The Initiative's malintent is to show him evidence of their participation in David Clarke's murder (which prompts him to spiral into a pit of despair and breakup with Emily), but uh oh! Turns out The Initiative totally peeps in on their convo, which inspires Helen Crowley to visit Victoria and threaten to kill Danny Boy. Pshhhh, as if. Victoria simply pops Helen full of bullets and brushes her shoulders off. Yep, deal with it.

Credit: Vivian Zink/ABC Television Group © 2012 Disney    

It's a Nice Day For an Off-White Wedding

Excuse us while we wander around the beach barefoot, drape ourselves in some sea glass, and then bleed all over Jack's white suit because clearly a glass shard necklace is the worst idea ever. Oh, and speaking of Jack, our favorite wandering seaman is finally getting married. Now, you might think he'd get a makeover for such an important occasion, but don't worry –– that flop masquerading as "hair" is even louder and prouder than ever. In fact, it's basically a mushroom cut.

Anyway, Jack and Mandy's wedding is pretty much a hippie love fest (we were wearing Birkenstocks during the entire ceremony), complete with hand-holding, crying, weird pipe cleaner rings, and Nolan in a silver, paisley blazer. Of course it wouldn't be a Revenge wedding without some drama, so Emily takes the opportunity to flashback to ye olden times when David Clarke officiated (OMG, fauxficiated) her and Jack's OG beach wedding, which isn't creepy or anything. Also, shout out to Sammy the Dog. We miss you so much, sob.

In other news, Declan and Charlotte are obsessed with Baby Carl David, and we're really worried. And not just because of the omnipresent fear that little dude might start wearing hemp. We're seriously concerned that Decs is going to sew his studly seed in Charlotte's wild oats, and the thought of him propagating an heir is just too much for us to handle right now. Save your ovaries, Charlotte. Save them.

Credit: Vivian Zink/ABC Television Group © 2012 Disney    

The Honeymooners

Now that Jack and Amanda are officially seaman and wife, it's time for them to go on honeymoon! Which is why they wander off on Jack's boat for some festive love making (if the boat's a rockin' don't come a knockin, ah-hahahaha). Because nothing says romance like being lost at sea and forming an intimate relationship with a beachball named Wilson! Unfortunately, this romantic honeymoon is somewhat marred by Nate Ryan trolling around the boat and disconnecting Jack's phone lines....

Oh, and if you're wondering what Aiden is up to, he's still wandering the beaches all sad about his sister. In fact, he shows up at Nolan's office to re-watch the video of his sister's death (gurrrl, weird), and realizes that she died six years ago in New Jersey. Um, worst state to die in ever.

Aiden and Emily head to some shack in The Garden State to get their sleuth on, and after Aids confirms his sister's death at the coroner's office, he spirals into a fit of sads and breaks up with Emily. But don't worry. Aiden has an epiphany, changes into a white linen blouse, and gets back together with her like five seconds later, so phew, guys, crisis averted.

In other news, it looks like Nolan is willing to give Padma the benefit of the doubt. Turns out this gal's dad has been taken hostage by The Initiative and will only live if Padma secures the Carrion project, which means she's a simple pawn in The Initiative's master plan. Whatever, to the left girl, you have betrayed our hearts.

What did you think of tonight’s episode of Revenge? Are you happy for this “Union” or praying for an annulment? Tell us below!

02.11.2013 / 09:17 AM EDT by Mehera Bonner
Related: Revenge, Recaps, Spoilers

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