Sean Lowe is finally giving the ladies’ hearts a break on this week’s episode of The Bachelor meaning the nubile young lasses get to wear their bikinis in non-freezing water for once. Yes, that’s right childrens, it’s time for the annual migration from bitchy Bachelor Mansion to bitchy tiki hut somewhere in the islands of the world.
In The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 7, Sean takes Catherine Giudici, AshLee Frazier, Lindsay Yenter, Lesley Murphy, Desiree Hartsock, and Tierra LiCausi to the Virgin Islands (enter hilarious joke here). From what we’ve seen and heard, it’s not only going to be the most ridiculous shitfit in Bachelor history, there are also terry cloth strapless dresses involved (wasn’t there a recall on those in 2005?).
So break in your new purple clogs, pump up your glamour muscles, and start hashing your tags: we’re ready for this tropical thunder to clap its way into our lady hearts, one deflowering at a time.
Part One: Swim For Your Supper
“How many times do you get to fly into St. Croix on a seaplane?” Um, it’s not really on our bucket list, but we’ll take it.
The ladies arrive in their printed knitwear and the girls are all “these rooms are gorgeous, oh, I want to see Sean too.” Way to keep your eyes on the ball, lady.
“I’m not friends with girls who like my boyfriends,” Tierra says and she’s all about her private space, so she rolls a cot into the living room. Her logic is amazing.
The date card arrives and it’s a 1-on-1 with AshLee to get “carried away.” AshLee repeats the phrase like eight times so we know she understood.
Tierra sings a beautiful ditty called “the cougar’s back in town.” And, um, those are all the words. If the villain thing doesn't work out, maybe #Tierrable has a future in songwriting. But back off T-bag, Ash is 32. Jesus was 33 when he finally did something memorable.
“Once she let me blindfold her in Canada...” how many times have our best dates started out like that? Spoiler alert: always. Cue Sean Lowe shirtless and a catamaran. They jump into the water and it’s a metaphor. We know, because AshLee tells us like six times.
“Do you think AshLee’s going to talk to him?” Yeah. Um, yes Lindsay. We do. “I want to roll away her roll away into the freaking ocean.” Yenter for president.
Sean and Cougartown reach shore and already Sean is asking about Tierra, which is just how we would want to spend our small amount of alone time. “The second y’all change y’alls plans, it’s gonna be a different story. She’s going to be pouty pants.” Some of those are words, and clearly Sean has changed his tune about wanting to hear the dirt. So, good on him for that.
Back at the hotel, Tierra hopes Sean has “saved something special” for her. Tough, T, he’s already walked that walk. But lucky for her, the girls are “jelly belly” because she gets the 1-on-1.
“But being attacked by bugs and my makeup dripping off” is not Tierra’s idea of fun. #totalwasteofmakeup. She always has a glass half full of Visine, huh?
On SeAsHlEE’s date, he can’t imagine “anything going wrong.” He threatens to meet her family and she gives him that “uh oh the producers told you” face we’ve become so fond of. So, what’s her secret? Surprise! “I just want to breeze through this” Ash says. Cue hedge words and segues.
Well, here’s the secret: fifteen years ago, she got married. “I’m like crazy about you,” she says, because that’s relevant. “So you were a married high school junior? That’s, uh, young.” Well, you’re a born again 29-year-old, so...
“AshLee is... special” Sean’s cutaway tells us, after she told him yelled about her love for the blond eyebrowed one. “I tell you I love you, I mean it,” she confirms. Five dollars if “I know you do” is not the response you’d want... us too.
Part Two: The Elephant in the Bikini
“Is Tierra the sweet girl I thought she was or is she not so nice like everyone says?” Let’s spend a day finding out the answer to that.
“I’m hot, I’m gross, I’m thirsty, but my heart is with Sean.” We’re not sure who wins in this scenario.
“I know you like soap and body lotion” subtext: because you’re a girl, right? “He knew me so well.” Again, girl. “He bought me the most incredible things that a guy could buy me on a first date.” Really? Nice shell necklace and eighties bracelet. What's next? A scented candle?
Back at the compound, AshLee reveals that she told Sean Tierra’s darkest secret: she doesn’t say good morning. Can you imagine how annoying AshLee would be at 6am? All that earnestness and bright eyes? Not before coffee, B.
Sean confronts Tierra about being a total bitch to everyone. Then they go to a sugar mill (did we hear that right??).
“I have so many feelings for this guy.” Wait, who? You’re talking TO SEAN, Tierra. It’s okay to use the first person. “I don’t feel like I was being distant, but I guess I was.” #survivalinstincts
It’s awkward. Let’s go to the house. The group date is Catherine, Des, and Lindsay and they all seem to take it well.
Tierra seems to be either really drunk or terrible at reading cue cards. “I am falling for you? I hope you know that? I hope you, uh, take that... into consideration.” Whatever, Sean’s type apparently includes all the ones who like, uh, body lotion.
Part Three: Sean Knows Girls _____________
Because he’s not looking for love so much as a punch in the junk, Sean goes and polaroids all the girls’ morning faces. But you guys, Tierra and the bugs! See, it’s not all love and roses (cue singing “the more you know” rainbow).
“I can’t wait to show the women the sunrise.” What would our gender do without you, Lowe? “We are going to be the first four people to see the sunrise in the US.” Just us and the nineteen camera people who also had to get out of bed for your trickster ways.
Real talk: even though all these girls wish they were on a 1-on-1, this is the best group of people you could be in a Jeep with on this show. Although seriously, it would be way better if things A) didn’t start at 1am and B) you didn’t take the girls to a SUGAR MILL. Little known fact, Sean’s type is girls who like sugar mills.
[AshLee and Tierra pretend to be stoked for Lesley and her date card. “TIME” AshLee chants (BRAINS, we think)]
We’d love to say a lot more about this group date, but all they’re doing is running around an island and it looks great, but boring as shit. Seriously, you couldn’t have brought back Amanda Meyer to spice this up? That girl hates sunsets/rises.
Sean tries to drown Catherine, but there are no paramedics around, so let’s hope his BMI is in check. Good thing for her shoulders that he’s been keeping up on his manscaping routine.
“I didn’t know if I should keep the girl in the wedding dress on the first night, but now I’m crazy about the girl in the wedding dress. I like her.” Lindsay, Sean. Her name is LINDSAY.
Catherine tells Sean that her dad is in China and won’t be on the hometown date she’s already planning. The short of it is he tried to kill himself in front of Catherine and her sisters. Yikes, and you led with the tree death story? She’s totally calm about it all, even though she’s shaking. “I think Catherine sees...” don’t say it Sean. Don’t. Say. It.
[“I feel like the only negative in the house has been Tierra.” Well, that and the fact that 25 of you get sent home...
AshLee and Lesley are engaging in their afternoon tea drinking and shade-throwing activities. Obvi, T overhears this and yeah, we’ll say it, if we were her, we’d take off our hoops and throwdown. You are a little bit forgiven for the meltdown we know is coming.]
Back on the date, Des has the best bikini bod and she cries about how happy her parents are. “Today was fun and it wouldn’t have been nearly as fun if you three hadn’t been here.” Subtext: you three combined are the perfect woman.
Sean remembers her name finally, so Lindsay gets the rose because she is fun.
Remember how the point of the date was to be all figurative and “start and finish the day together with the sun” like how it rises and falls on their love? How it is the east and these three beauties are the sun? Well... “We can’t see the sun at all.” #publicschoolgeography #planningfail
Part Four: Sean’s Pink Shorts Live It Up
“These 1-on-1s can be so glamorous, so I just want to do something low-key.” Uh, we need Sean to get a dictionary stat because you and Des hung out at a tent and Selma avoided your kiss in a trailer park.
“Who will I be meeting in Arkansas?” We’re not sure if Lesley’s response has anything to do with the question because she’s talking about a lake house and hold on we need more wine because they’re matching pink bottom clothings right now and it’s too much.
“So far today there hasn’t been a lot of kissing.” You already used up your 3 minutes and sixteen seconds, dude, and she was not impressed.
"I like how you smile with your eyes at me," Les says. Somewhere Tyra Banks is cackling. #smize #bachelor
Their date is boring and Lesley doesn’t tell him she loves him. So, good luck, lady.
Part Five: The Other Woman
Sean’s sister Shay shows up to real talk his eyebrows into oblivion.
“The only one I could possibly question would be Tierra.” Finally. That’s like saying “Lindsay Lohan might not be a great role model.”
Tierra calls AshLee out and Ash is all “I don’t know what she’s talking about.” We do, because we’ve been watching.
“I’m not going to sit around in a group and talk high school stuff.” Guess she’s never going to find out if she ends up in a mansion, apartment, shack, or house. We have a guess.
[“What was your only advice? Don’t end up with a girl no one likes.” Good call, Shay.]
Tierra tells AshLee that all the girls talked shit about her. When Ash confronts the girls, Tierra’s eyebrow inches up defensively. “I know though in my own skin that I’m not rude!” AshLee acknowledges the cameras in the room: “Can we just re-roll tape?” Right??? There really should be a replay button. Throw in your bikini top to challenge a call. #footballreferenceyourewelcome
Sean comes to introduce Shay to Tierra. Cue crying. "I came here so you could meet somebody." We hope it's a pilot.#bachelor #packyourknivesandgo
“I hate confrontation like this.” Yeah, normally she likes the kind that comes with a knife fight.
Tierra’s forehead and eyebrow and dress can’t handle the pressure and they all collude to make her ugly cry. Sean cares so much about her that he finally says those words we’ve been waiting for. No, it’s not “I think you’re really special.” Cue the fireworks and street dancers: “I think you should go home now.”
Obvi she doesn’t want to say goodbye to the other girls. We’ve been told this is the biggest meltdown in history, but Tierra crying alone in a maxi dress just seems like a Tuesday in her world. “He doesn’t want me here.” Good, she does understand normal things.
"Nobody will take my sparkle away." Not till marriage, anyway.#tierrasparkle #bachelor. Somewhere Taylor Swift is waiting for a phone call and songwriting collaboration.
Part Six: When Jersey Dresses Are Formal Wear
Sean tells the girls that Tierra went home and they’re all relieved until they realize they’re wearing jersey dresses even though he suited up. But before they can panic about that, Sean tells the girls he already knows who is going home. Let’s see: Lesley didn’t open up at all but AshLee fought with Tierra. Who’s going home?
Oh look, Chris Harrison and his full suit are there. What has he been doing? Reading contraband on Tierra’s cot?
Rose ceremony time: Des gets the first rose and Catherine gets the second. Just as we suspected, Les and Ash are on the chopping block. AshLee gets the last rose.
“This rose to me tells me I can trust. I can’t describe the overwhelming love I have for him. This is my husband. And love does conquer all.” Read: “Who’s next? I’ll take you all down.’
Lesley gets cut, and that’s dumb. She and her curtain dress leave. “If he doesn’t want Lesley, I don’t know why I’m here,” Catherine sobs. “She has more in common than I do.” Yeah, we thought so too.
So, Sean will be traveling home with the girls: that means Seattle with Catherine, Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri with Lindsay, somewhere in Texas with AshLee, and Marina Del Rey with Des. Good luck with the scary army dad, Sean!
That’s all for us tonight. Now time to pluck our eyebrows like Tierra in honor of our fallen friend. #hisloss #justjoshing.