Just when he was finally getting used to the joy of pink shorts and tans that didn’t come from a spray bottle, Sean Lowe and his Bachelor Season 17 foursome are being whisked back to real life. And it doesn’t get much realer than meeting the families of the last ladies left in limbo.
That’s right, on this week’s episode, Sean will stop by Texas to see AshLee Frazier’s Houston homestead, hit the road to Catherine Giudici’s Seattle set-up, bop down to Marina del Rey for Desiree Hartsock SoCal stomping ground, and get on base (literally) at Lindsay Yenter’s Fort Leonard Wood lodging. If that’s enough alliteration for y’all, let’s get on with it.
This week, we’re cozying up with a bottle or six of our favorite drink (peach-flavored Boone’s Farm, obvi), and live tweeting the funniest moments of the episode. Follow along at @BachelrWetpaint, and tweet us your favorite quotes, most ridiculous observations, and the rules of your own personal #BachelorDrinkingGame.
Did we mention that this episode features an “emotional rose ceremony”? Good, that’ll be a nice break from the ones where we only ugly cried a little bit. Alright, it’s go time.
Part One: AshLee and Sean’s Twilight Moment
Sean appears out of nowhere and Ash drags her dog around while they wear coordinating plaids and lay in a field and sparkle. Luckily, the awkwardness of this date is totally mitigated by the bottle of white wine she has.
AshLee wants to “love and protect” Sean’s heart, Kasey Kahl-style, or wants him to do it or something. Anyway, the point is she’s stoked and there are daisies and a dog who mysteriously disappears when the talking gets intense.
Real talk: Ash seems to be the most ready for marriage, and not because she’s older, Tierra. The girl knows what she wants and how to organize it.
“Today’s the beginning of everything. I’ve been dreaming of this day since I was a little girl, like four or five.” Wait, we’re confused, you’ve been dreaming about introducing your parents to some dude who’s also dating three other girls on a reality show? Dream big, Frazier.
“Sean takes us to this lake,” Ash tells her parents “and we did this thing called the Polar Bear Plunge. “Oh no,” her mom says, and her hair is amazing. They sit last supper-style and talk about the time they’ve spent so far on the show. Her mom talks more about the loving and protecting of the hearts. It’s all a metaphor for something.
“What are your intentions for AshLee, are you going to break her heart?” Why yes, Mrs. Frazier, he plans on it. Psych, IRL he tells her he adores her daughter, so he’s doing great so far, thanks to the wine.
AshLee’s dad is all “You’d better be good to my daughter.” Sean immediately asks him about signing off on his seventeen-year-old daughter getting married. Touché, Sean.
Dad tells Sean the touching story of how he first met Ash, which he creepily calls “his first date with Ash.” There has got to be a different way to say this. He told the worker, “This one’s gonna be a hard one to give back.” What a romantic.
AshLee talks about fairy dust and then Sean drives off. Seems like a successful day, even though we never saw AshLee's house, so we’re confused about whether maybe Ash rented a park for the day or something. It’s weird.
Part Two: Apparently it Rains in Seattle
In order to show Sean "everything about Seattle," she takes him to the Pike Place Market fish-throwing guys, because apparently that's everything you need to know about the city.
They throw fish and Sean is wearing a blazer, making him the fanciest-dressed person in the city. We're sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere "the fish is slippery" just like a heart?
"I don't want to be the cool guy with her," Sean says of hanging with Catherine. Then they touch the disgusting gum wall and hug a lot and talk about how much they like each other.
Fact: Since watching Catherine and Sean at the gum wall, AshLee is planning to organize the wads by color and size.
At Catherine’s house, they do the normal activities families do: they eat lumpia, kiss and touch foreheads, and he does push-ups while she lays on his back. Must be Tuesday.
Sean asks her sisters if C$ is ready to settle down. They’re really pretty and honest and it seems like they have a really good relationship. “If you don’t support her dreams then...” subtext: you’d better get it together, Lowe. Also of note: if we need character witnesses, we’re likely not going to pick Catherine’s sisters.
Catherine’s mom tells Sean not to lead her on because apparently she’s never watched the show before and doesn’t understand that if he doesn’t do that, the season is a whole lot shorter.
Part Three: Army Brattiness and Yelling
Linds wants to see what “Sean is like in the real world,” so she takes him to, um, an army base. Not exactly a Chili’s, eh Yenter? They walk around town and Lindsay asks if Sean’s ever been to a small town. “This is more closely related to real life than anything else,” Sean says, and that sentence is only technically English.
They go to a cute little bar and talk about what Sean is supposed to call Lindsay’s dad. War zone time in Loweville. Linds gives Sean some ARMY-ready clothes and then in a not at all scripted confrontation, she yells at him and makes him do drills.
As if you couldn’t guess, Sean and his sweet outfit do some pushups. Naturally, Lindsay sits on his back while he does them, bringing the “girls who sit on Sean while he works out” count to two. Fact: this is our favorite way to “participate” in exercise activities too.
Holy intimidation, Batman. “Everyone trains here and my dad runs it.” Our dad makes us take the garbage out sometimes. Sean gulps audibly and is like “Lindsay’s dad’s job is to make men, and uh, hopefully he can see that I’m a man and I can protect her.”
Lindsay’s dad isn’t as scary as Sean feared upon first introductions, but her mom takes Sean and his eggplant polo to talk. Momma Yenter asks Sean if he’s falling in love with her daughter, and Sean says those sweet words: “I’m not in a position to say that.” Uh, okay. “I feel like I’ve already won her over,” Sean reflects of his time with the matriarch.
General Yenter is way chiller than we expected and he relates to Sean on a man-to-man level. And then he relates Sean’s request for a blessing to marry his daughter to jumping out of a plane as a paratrooper. “It makes me more attracted to Lindsay.” Is that related? We don’t know, we passed out.
Part Four: Des Takes Sean Hiking
Because Des is actually the perfect girl for Sean, she takes him hiking. They are dressed in technicolors and Sean is wearing the worst henley of the season. After Sean steps on a rogue dog (is it AshLee’s?), they go to her house to make dinner.
There’s a knock on the door and it’s Des’s ex. “I see a man standing there. I think it could be her brother but I’m confused why she doesn’t know he’s here.” The guy tells Des he loves her. Sean clinches his fist and is all “You wanna talk to me, talk to me.” Good thing he changed out of the pink shorts first.
“Now that he’s here, I have to tell you something.” Des is totally messing with Sean. The dude is an actor. “GOTCHA!” she yells. Atta girl, Desiree.
"You nailed me. You got me better than I got you." "She can also give one out" "I can be loose and have fun with her.” The euphemisms pour from Sean’s mouth and it’s hard to watch.
Des’s mom is adorable and tells D that Sean is good looking. Her dad also thinks Sean would be a good son-in-law. Perfect, right? Nope, because there’s a brother involved. “A lot of guys are gonna make you happy, but that’s not what it’s about,” he says. He seems great, and not at all like he’s about to cockblock Des til the sun comes up.
Desiree’s brother says something about Sean not showing reciprocation to her feelings, like three times. Fact: Desiree's brother just learned the word "reciprocation" from his Word of the Day calendar. Then he tells Sean he’s a playboy. “You just have fun there and then go to the next one and have fun there.” Yeah, almost like it’s the way the game is played.
“I want to tell Nate off,” Sean admits. Us too, buddy. “I know you’re skeptical,” Des says. “That’s an understatement.” Desiree’s parents talk about the weather. Good save. Fun note: Nate has hand tattoos. Speculation: this is not going to end well. We wouldn’t want to be related to that guy either.
“Nate, you just don’t understand things,” the parents tell hand tattoos. We bet they’ve had that conversation before.
Part Five: Sean’s Heart Feels Like It’s Tearing
It’s rose ceremony time and all the ladies look extra hot. Lindsay is wearing the little sister version of Kacie B’s dress. Right before eliminations begin, Des pulls Sean aside to talk to him, Chris Bukowski style.
She apologizes for her hometown date, even though it wasn’t really her fault. Catherine and her middle-parted hair question “everything.”
AshLee gets the first rose because he’s doing it in alphabetical order. Lindsay is next, which means Tierra will get the last rose (#notpayingattention). There’s only one left and it either goes to Catherine or Des. How can you eliminate one of those two?
Apparently he can’t decide, because he leaves the room to go look at pictures. Chris Harrison walks in all “hey man, we’re doing a show here.”
“It’s a lose-lose” Sean says of Des and Catherine. Let’s hope they don’t watch the show... “I think it comes down to who will I miss the most tomorrow if I send them home tonight.” Or, you know, which one you want to marry. But no worries, Sean. You can always just call up the other one, Jason Mesnick style.
In the end, Des goes home. “I feel like you have all the qualities I look for and maybe I’ll regret it tomorrow.” You will. “I’ve been praying for clarity and I just didn’t get it.” Des tells him he made a huge mistake. He’s not helping. Real talk: that’s way worse than just being like “it’s over, bye.”
Do you think Sean made the right choice? Was it Desiree’s brother that threw the wrench in her vows? Will she be the next Bachelorette? Weigh in below, guys.