It’s hard to believe Sean Lowe’s journey to the center of the Bachelor earth is almost complete, but ‘tis the hard, hard Season 17 truth. And tonight in Thailand, one lady’s dreams are going to be dashed in a fit of ugly-crying and Honey Boo-Boo-shaped tear smudges when Sean whittles his lady pile down to two.
After an emotional week of hometowns, we almost can’t handle the thought of losing Catherine Giudici, AshLee Frazier, or Lindsay Yenter. But life is not like a Florida retirement community — it can’t all be just sugar-free Red Bull-fueled cellulite lotion-rubbing sessions and lawn bowling. Real life just can't be that glamorous, people.
Tonight, Sean will ask his trio of snazzy-swimsuited babes for a night of non-noisy headboard-having fantasy suites time. While a couple of the women are game for the feel of Sean’s morning wood on their back in the AM, one lady lover isn’t so keen on the prospect of morning breath and smudged eye makeup.
Who turns Sean down? Who goes home in tears? The answers are all ahead in this very special episode which surely ends with another “most emotional” moment of the season. Strap on your Franzia-filled beer helmet, and suck that straw to another satisfying conclusion of The Bachelor.
Part One: Sean’s Reflections
Sean says “it’s insane that I have these feelings for all three girls.” Yes, we think so too, Sean. But not as insane as your tank top.
As far as Catherine goes, Sean’s in. He can picture the two of them cuddled up on the couch with kids. So, there’s that.
But as far as AshLee, he says it’s his “strongest relationship” and that she has all the qualities anyone would want in a wife. You know, honesty, organization, ability to slow-talk convincingly... the usual.
"To know that someone who I like so much is in love with me..." Oh jeeze. We can't wait to hear him give boy/girl advice to his kids...
Sean can’t wait to have kids with AshLee that “run around in the yard” with them. Let’s hope those kids don’t find out about the ones he has cuddled up inside on the couch...
Lindsay “never has a bad day” and that’s what Sean likes about her. Conclusion: Sean would hate us. They’re all down to earth and ‘Merica, and there’s no fear of fame-whoredom there, so we’d say it’s a pretty good match.
Part Two: Lindsay and Sean Wear Pastels
“This is absolutely nothing like Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri!” Lindsay says as they head to a market in Si Kao. No shit, Lindsay.
“Lindsay says she wants to go to the grocery store with me at home,” Sean says. Wow, we are already jealous of their exciting life together.
At the market, Sean buys Lindsay romantic things like tea, treasures, bugs... you know, sort of like how we dream of our first trip to Thailand. “Right before she ate the grasshopper, I could tell she did not want to do it.” #notaeuphemism.
“I just love how we can have a fun time...” Silence. “Yeah, this is great.” “We always have a good time.” Not to be naysayers, but if you have to talk about how much fun you’re having, it can’t be that great. Cue monkeys! SOMEONE BRING IN SOME MONKEYS!!! Phew. That was a close one.
Sean and Lindsay play with monkeys until it’s time for the gratuitous sunset making out shots. Lindsay talks about needing to tell Sean she loves him. So...
“Lindsay’s embraced the culture so far, so we’re going to eat dinner in front of these floats.” What? Whatever. The floats light up and Lindsay and her white mini dress pop a squat with Sean dressed as blah as possible. They say “blessed” a lot and she says she’d be happy to move to Dallas.
“I have everything open,” Lindsay says in her slightly nails-on-a-chalkboard-style coo. Subtext: I will give my whole life up for you. Please. Let. Me.”
Linds is about to tell clear-eyebrows that she loves him and some dancers come out instead. “Will you dance like that for me later,” Seany says, which is not at all creepy because Jesus.
Lindsay accepts Sean’s fantasy suite invitation and she makes duck faces at him while they lay on the bed. They talk about being friends for awhile, and then Lindsay finally ekes out “I love you.” Sean’s response? “I love hearing you say that.” Well, at least he got that word in there somewhere...
Preview: "Oh my god, it's a cave. Do you know where to go in there?" No, AshLee, no he does not.
Part Three: Sean Navigates New Territory
AshLee and her monochromatic outfit drop the word love, like, nine times before the boat even gets out into the water. “I’m like this schoolgirl that’s in love,” except thirty-two.
“I love Sean so much. I love Sean. I love love Sean.” Translation: AshLee loves Sean as much as she loves wearing anachronistic hair accessories.
We read all the sexual frustration we + America + these girls + Sean feel in the conversation they have about caves. “Have you ever been in a cave?” Sean asks. Nope, not even in college, buddy.
They twirl around in the water forever and AshLee talks more about how they are the two most perfect human beings in the world. You know, for each other. Although physically, we can’t argue. #banginbod.
“I’m not willing to morally put myself out there when he’s doing that with two other girls.” Are you sure you understand the concept of this show? Because he was dating 25 other girls when you met him...
Sean and AshLee kiss under a wooden structure and don’t eat their food. AshLee gets the overnight invitation and he says “I don’t want AshLee to misconstrue my intentions...”
Sean says, “all I want to do is talk,” and we have flashbacks to our high school boyfriends. If he says he “just wants to watch Heathers,” you should call Chris Harrison, cuz things are about to get weird.
It seems for a minute like Ash will turn down Sean’s invite, but then we remember that she’s like totally in love with him and has been all SWF-y about their time together, so of course she wants to spend every moment with him.
AshLee tells Sean the ring she wants, like down to the size and probably the angle at which she wants it put onto her finger. Sean loves giving up control, so we’re sure this will work out great.
“I will do everything in my power to make sure Sean is happy.” We bet.
Part Four: Catherine Flips for Sean
Catherine is totally the antithesis of AshLee, until she makes a jumping for Sean comment and then they do a backflip off the boat. She talks about him, to him, and it looks kind of awkward but maybe it’s just that they’re really comfortable... and moist.
“This afternoon, I continued to ask myself, could I see myself getting married to Catherine.” And myself said ‘self, don’t be selfish.’
“I’m pretty traditional when it comes down to it,” Catherine explains. “Which is weird because I’m the weirdest person.” She’s super honest about the pressure she feels to say I love you, but her boobs look great, so Sean probs hasn’t even noticed that she’s awkward.
“I’m attracted to the fact that Catherine is nervous about the fantasy suite.” Somewhere, our psychology degree is nagging at the back of our minds to dissect that comment. Instead, wine.
Catherine says “I want to be with Sean,” and calls him a hunk. And “beefy.” She calls him beefy too. She spills that she used to get made fun of and she never thought she'd end up with him. "You're smoking hot. I'm the lucky one," Sean gushes. Swoon.
Part Five: Sean Flashes Back to Curacao
This is the week Sean got eliminated from his season of The Bachelorette. “There’s nothing I can do about it,” he says of the pain he’s about to inflict.
“I thought sending Des home was the toughest thing I’ve ever done. This trumps that.” Cue skin shivers.
Sean picks up each picture and isn’t that confident in his decision and then he stands in, like, a Macy’s Home Store lobby to watch the messages from the girls.
Linds wants to wear another wedding dress. Catherine calls Sean a hunk again. AshLee talks about that wall she had built. Obviously, she cries. And then Sean does.
And then he looks out at the water. It crashes. Just like our hearts might. Or something. Where’s AshLee when we need her to connect the emotional dots?
“The rain is very fitting. It’s definitely setting the depressing mood.”
Lindsay’s dress is the best. AshLee looks like a jewel-eyed cat. Lindsay says “holy shit” under her breath and we are now officially in love with her.
The first rose goes to Lindsay, so it seems like Sean might be pretty into her too.
There’s lots of music and deep breaths and eye contact and ground-looking, and then Sean gives the second rose to Catherine.
AshLee’s phases of hate: revenge, hair adjusting, eye rolling, shoulder shaking, jaw tightening, staring down Sean. Then, she walks away from Sean. Catherine and Lindsay give each other a look.
Ash tells Sean to stay where he is and Sean says “I want you to go away with closure and understand. I thought it was you, from the very beginning.” AshLee is not having it. She continues to give him the best steely eyed gaze she can muster. For once, Sean isn’t bright red.