Guys, we're feeling really spiritual right now. Because apparently Thailand is an exotic paradise filled with throw pillows, giant fire pits, rain (but, like, fancy rain) and deep thoughts. It's no wonder Sean Lowe spends most of his time crying in this celestial paradise, it's just so beautiful.
Also, Thailand is the perfect location for Sean and his lady-loves to sexplore each other's bodies in mystical chambers known as fantasy suites, where they make love with their minds (not to be confused with their newly virginal bodies), talk about their feels, and try to shut off all of Chris Harrison's hidden cameras. Welcome to the jungle, everyone. And we're not just talking about Sean's danger zone.
Planet of the Apes
ABC via WENN
Sean has learned so much about cultural traditions on his love journey, and this week his fetish for local yokel sexperiments reaches a whole new level of terrifying. Basically, Sean takes Lindsay Yenter to a Thai market and then watches in glee as she forces herself to eat crickets and larva. It's the opposite of erotic, and turns Sean on so much that he whisks Linds off to a romantic beach so they can writhe around in private! By which we mean writhe around in front of a fleet of cameramen.
Unfortunately, Sean and Lindsay's beach-side dry humping session gets interrupted by roving flock of feral monkeys, who watch them like creepy voyeurs as they make out in the sunset. Is it just us or are the wildlife in Thailand total perverts? Don't even get us started on the fish gently nibbling at Sean's nipples.
As you might expect, Sean and Lindsay's date is A+, and gets even better when Thai Dancers pop out of nowhere like "oh, hey guys!" and put on a performance. And yes, Sean's hips refrain from gyrating. Clearly someone from ABC gave him a talking to. Anyway, turns out Lindsay is so inspired that she declares his love for Sean and their tongues become one with each other. But does Lindsay accept Sean's invitation to The Fantasy Suites? Um, obviously. As if she'd turn down an opportunity to become BFFs with his upper-inner thigh.
ABC via WENN
Much like Christina Aguilera, AshLee Frazier is a lotus. And she was just birthed from Chris Harrison's proverbial womb. Also, Sean is a midwife in this scenario.
It's no secret that this girl next door is all kinds of emotional, and this week Sean puts AshLee to the test by forcing her to wade through a dark murky cave that leads to a private island. Because as we know, Sean loves nothing more than risking his girlfriend's lives, and no guys. He does not share his flotation device with her.
As you might expect, AshLee has a panic attack, starts half-crying, and clings to Sean like an adorable sea anemone, but she eventually makes it out alive in time for a romantic dinner. Which basically involves Sean grilling her on why she's a single spinster. It's like, you wonder why AshLee spends her waking hours ugly-crying, but look at what this poor girl has to go through on a daily basis! Her toes are still frozen from being Christened by Sean during the Polar Plunge.
Poor AshLee is pushed to her limits when Sean asks her if she wants to chillax in his love nest with a couple copies of 50 Shades of Grey, and after heavy-breathing, she eventually reveals that she doesn't believe in having not-sex with a dude who's also kinda-sorta having not-sex with two other women. The good news? Sean is a total virgin so TWINSIES!
King of the World!
Welcome to Sean and Catherine Giudici's date, a glorious journey wherein they make out under the sea (darling it's better down where it's wetter — zing!), fling themselves off boats in a totally non Rose from Titanic way, drink white wine, snorkel amongst some sea creatures, and stick their tongues into each other's mouths. Sean treats his lady love to a private boat ride in the crystal clear waters of Thailand, and their physical connection is off the charts! Like, Sean is basically rubbing his six-pack against Catherine's body like an eager golden retriever who just wants to be pet.
The problem? Catherine's sisters told Sean that she isn't ready for commitment, and now he's in a panic because a) he wants to wife her, but b) she might be into things like a "career," but also c) it's cloudy and he isn't tanning.
Luckily, Catherine hypnotizes Sean with her cascading hair and assures him that her life goal is to be his bride, and they wrinkle their noses at each other in happiness. But does Catherine take Sean up on his offer to go on a sexcation in The Fantasy Suites? How could you even ask that question, internet? Of course she does.
The Rose Ceremony
Sean has so many feelings right now. He's feeling the rain on his skin (literally, Thailand is so rainy), he's feeling the wind beneath his wings and his nippes, and he's also feeling sad. Why? Because he has to break up with one of his three girlfriends, and it's super emotional. Sean's fallen for all his ladies in waiting, so he decides to have a therapeutic bonding session with Chris Harrison to talk it out. Chris' comforting words of wisdom? "Listen to their thoughts."
So, who does Sean deflower? That would be AshLee, who basically suffers a silent breakdown and departs from Thailand without saying buh-bye to Sean. She pretty much gives him a huge eff you, and we can only imagine that she and her yorkshire terrier are writing in their Live Journal as we speak.