Normally, we say something like “oh haha The Bachelor is on and wine.” But today, things have taken a turn for the serious. Yes, that’s right, folks. Tonight. Tonight, on The Bachelor Season 17, “Women Tell All,” Tierra LiCausi might cry. What’s that you say? Sounds like every other episode you saw? Okay then, moving on.
Most of us enjoyed the Twitterhating all season long that came with watching and judging from afar as various members of Sean Lowe’s lady harem paraded off on the worst dates ever with the blond-eyebrowed one. Tonight, the rest of the world gets to catch up with the large print edition of what went down this season, in size 26 font (see what we sort of did there?).
Yep, that’s right folks, on this evening’s Bachelor, Sean sees AshLee Frazier for the first time since she mean mugged her way out of Thailand, the girls call out Tierra for existing, and we get to watch and see it all in slow-mo shitshow version. So, something about wine. Let’s drink every time we are glad we’re not in the hotseat.
Part One: Let’s Get to It with Tierra
Look, we get that tonight is about Sean, but considering that Chris Harrison is ringleading this circus, we’re a little confused why he would choose to wear a tie that looks like he smeared sour cream on it from his pre-show burrito. But that’s neither here nor awful. Moving on.
The episode starts and we see that Amanda is still laughing like a crazy person and Leslie isn’t wearing that crazy dress she got on her date. We almost turn it off because seriously, that bow needs like 11 more minutes of fame. Tierra’s sparkle has totally overtaken the bow and it’s a tragedy. Moment of silence.
Lesley Murphy is still our girl, obvi, because she says “Tierra’s sparkle was pretty dim.” And somehow when she says “I have to be honest,” we know that something amazing is gonna come out of her mouth.
Dear Brooke. No one watched you on the show. Don’t try and step in and stand up for Tierra. That’s all.
Tierra gets onstage and we’re honestly surprised there were only a few minutes of shit talking before Chris brought her on. Question: where's Tierra's forehead divot? We miss it.
Chris asks Tierra if there’s anything she’d like to apologize for. Silence. Is there anything that she wants to clarify? Nope, silence. She says she’s misunderstood or something, and anyway Robyn is winning so far for our fave facial expressions ever. Girl is not having this bull.
Anyway, it would suck to be Tierra because she is sitting by herself and they are attacking her. Not saying she didn’t make this lumpy-ass bed, but geeze. This sucks. Honestly though, can we drop the thing about Tierra not saying "good morning"? Who gives a S? Mornings are the worst. It's not a B&B, guys. We’re not at a folksy ho-down. Well, maybe we are...
“Everything I’m saying is wrong,” Tierra says. Yes. There’s literally a language barrier. “She ganged up on me.” Nope, a gang of one? Notsomuch. She seems drunk or something. We would be.
Chris Harrison is apparently the most level-headed dude in television. “People reacted...strongly to you.” And his reaction to Tierra’s ring? “How did this happen?” Our thoughts.
Part Two: There’s Something About Sarah... and Des
We don’t want to relive this, honestly. It was rough to say goodbye to her the first time around, and watching the gorgeous girl watch herself cry is too meta for us. Only sociopaths aren’t crying (check yoself).
Anyway, her whole segment just confirms that she would be a great Bachelorette and she totally deserves love.
Speaking of which, let’s watch Des watch her brother be a total f*c*ng deeb. It’s too much. When Des left the show, well, it was rough. But watching yourself get broken up with is rough. Knowing other people are watching you watch yourself is just creepy.
It’s cool that Des can hold herself together while talking about all the ish she went though, she’s a better woman than we are. “Worst hometown date in history,” is all she really has to say about the awkwardness of her bro being a jerk. AshLee flutters her eyes like “yes, absolutely,” but she’s the one who had lunch on a stranger’s lawn with a full-on dining room set...
Either way, Des says “my next relationship... I won’t get in my own way.” Just don’t trip over the 26 dudes trying to get in your custom-made dress... you know, assuming our wish comes true and Des gets another shot at love. IMAGINE THE PRANKS.
Part Three: AshLee’s Hair Shows Us Who’s Boss
“No, I wasn’t pissed. I was searching for answers.” Look, Ash. You were. You can’t always come out as pretty as your amazeballs hair. It’s good hair, guys. But we get it, when you think you’re the one for someone, there’s no “nice meeting you” or whatever.
“That guy’s not quite who I thought he was,” Ash says about Sean. She just called him a frat boy, so... we’ll see how this goes. Everyone take a sip of your Michelob Ultra and let’s get on with it.
Sean shows up and says “I have fond memories of all of you.” Probably just leftover effects of the roofies. Chris makes AshLee go sit with Sean, confirming our suspicions that he’d be the worst wingman ever.
Sean tells Ash that it was super hard for him to break up with her. This is the part where we’d punch him. Ash is pissed that Sean didn’t come back to her to say “are you okay?” which requires context. As far as the audience is concerned, when Ash went off in the car, she was driving to an airport. Apparently notsomuch.
Of the entire night, we expected Tierra to be the most awkward moment. Nope, Ash for the win, when she called Sean out, saying he told her that he had no feelings for Catherine or Lindsay. Who's lying? Who really cares. It's good TV.
Looks like there's not much else to say. See ya next week. xo