Everyone stop what you're doing. Unless you are building a collage of Bachelor Abs made out of macaroni noodles, in which case we totally give you permission to keep crafting. And speaking of abs, Sean Lowe's tragic Bachelor cast offs have been rounded up by ABC, and they're dealing with their issues in a beautiful bonding session known as the “Women Tell All” special. Their therapist? The one and only Chris Harrison, who has taken his fetish for candles to a whole new level of perverted. Seriously, we get it. You want to dip everything in wax, pleasure is pain, etc. Stop this candle-lit madness!
CHAPTER ONE: In Which Everyone Hates Tierra
As far as we're concerned Tierra LiCausi is a miraculous angel sent to Bachelor Nation from the sparkly-land of Lisa Frank. But apparently we're the only people that feel that way, and this week Tierra had a total blow out with her haters. But did Tierra let the competition get her down? Pshhh, as if. "When I walk into a room I bring this joy and this smile and I'm happy, but with people that immediately judge me... I didn't want to be friends with them," she told Chris, adding "There were definitely a handful of girls that were very rude to me...There's nothing I can say to apologize for."
But even better? Tierra held her head up high (also head = eyebrows) and flashed her brand new engagement ring — aka the source of all her sparkle. And speaking of Tierra's sparkle, here's the deal: "When I was a little girl, I was Little Miss Nevada," she explained. "And so, my parents, my dad always told me you have this little sparkle." Um, DUH Tierra was Miss Nevada. Everything makes so much sense now.
CHAPTER TWO: In Which Sarah Makes Us Cry and Not Just 'Because of Her Arm
Remember when you first heard Adele's "Someone Like You" and you ugly-cried for, like, ten hours into a bucket of ice cream? Watching Sarah Herron re-live her brutal breakup with Sean was kind of like that, only so much worse. Like, we are currently eating our feelings, also known as this pizza (it's double stuffed with cheese and our sads). "I put that wall down for him," Sarah told Chris. "He had seen me in a more vulnerable state than I think I've ever let anybody see me," she tells Chris Harrison. "I've cried and talked about things with him that I don't talk to with my best friends about. I thought we had something else."
Sarah felt like she opened herself up to Sean in a way she'd never done with anyone else, and it was crushing when he deflowered her. "My whole life I've been strung along by guys that I get been interested in, and I think the feeling is reciprocated, but low and behold they end up telling me 'you're great, but it's not meant to be.' Or, 'you're better off with someone else and I'm not right for you,'" she says. "It just feels like this same line I keep getting. I always fall back on, 'it must be because I have one arm.'" See? Tears everywhere. And no, Sean did not say anything to make Sarah feel better.
CHAPTER THREE: In Which Desiree Is Perfect and Adorable
Bachelor Nation did a collective Home Alone face when Desiree Hartsock was sent packing after Hometown Dates, but this gal is back and even more wonderful than ever. Not only did Desiree look amazing in the glow of Chris Harrison's shiny face, she's totally over Sean and is ready to find love. "I see a love that my parents have that is rare," Desiree told Chris. "It really is. They're like soulmates. They just support each other, they build each other up, they're just meant to be together, and I really would love that for myself. And I know they would love that for me as well. That's all I really want. He [Sean] had all the qualities that I wanted in a husband."
So, what's the deal with Desiree's brother and his irrational hatred of Sean? "My brother was very skeptical of the show and of the experience," she explained. "So he was being protective, and he does regret the way that he came off because that's not really how he is...he's not as open minded as I am. I love my brother, and although I do value his opinion, that would never steer me one way or the other.... It would be curious to see, if my brother had never been there, would things have been different?" Sigh, Desiree is so mature. Especially now that her bangs have grown out.
CHAPTER TWO: In Which Sean and AshLee Come Face-To-Face (But In a Non-Sexy Way)
Everyone SHHHHH, AshLee Frazier is "telling all" and we need to listen. Mostly because it's really hard to hear her over all that weeping. This gal was floored when Sean rejected her in Thailand (it's like, she rebirthed herself in a CAVE for you, and this is how you treat her?!), and she's ready to give Sean a piece of her mind. Not to be confused with a piece of her heart, because the walls, guys. AshLee's walls are back up. "I wasn't pissed, I was just searching for answers," she told Chris. "This guy's not quite who I thought he was. With me he was just a southern gentleman. And with the other girls, I mean hate me for this, but he kinda acted like a frat boy."
But wait, guys — AshLee also called Sean unmanly for not checking on her in the wake of their breakup, and claimed that he said he had zero feelings for the other ladies. His response? "Uhhhh, I didn't say that."
So, what have we learned? What happens in The Fantasy Suites doesn't stay in The Fantasy Suites. And also Sean has no idea how to ride a bike. Nor does he understand how to open a wine bottle (the bloopers tell all).