Sean Lowe has taken us on quite the journey toward the national monuments that are his abs on this season of The Bachelor. And while we might need to refuel our electrolyte content after sweating out all of our feelings, we can’t wait to find out which of his ladies he picks: Catherine Giudici, Lindsay Yenter, or (our favorite) Chris Harrison.
Zoom in on Thailand (yes, the whole country. We went to public school, so exactness and geography are not our strong suits). Sean Lowe sits alone at a picnic table, crayoning pro/con charts with his non-dominant hand, tongue fixed firmly between lips as he tries to make the decision of a lifetime. Just a sampling from our radar: pros = tramp stamp, body glitter... Oh wait, that’s Chris Harrison’s. Back to Sean’s, which is really just a pair of Lisa Frank sticker-covered Trapper Keepers with “Lindsay” and “Catherine” written on them. You know, binders full of women. Whose list is longer? Which one has “Girl I want to marry” in the plus column? Has anyone else finally succumbed to the pregaming drinking game aspect of this? (We drink every time we see a promo for the episode...)
The point is, tonight on the “most dramatic episode/finale/night/Monday/Thailandish city ever,” Sean and his loquacious mouth of feelings will be justifying and beating his feelings with a wooden stick until we all scream “ENOUGH ALREADY THEY’RE BOTH HOT JUST PICK ONE!!” It all starts, right now. Okay, noooooowwwww. Almost. It all starts almost. So, go grab your red Solo cup and fill it up with all of your liquid emotions. Let’s drink to Sean and his future bride (or, temporary girlfriend...).
Part One: The Most Beautiful/Dramatic Whatever. Catherine Meets the Fam.
Chris Harrison is standing on the stage equivalent of the bed we imagine he sleeps on: a circle with chairs on it. Yeah, in our imaginations, there is just a pinwheel of women waiting the most pivotal experience of their young lives. And they all get to sleep in Chris Harrison’s shirts (he has a billion, now that his own line is finally available). Anyway, homeskillz says that they have “late breaking news” and we’re immediately concerned. Is AshLee currently keying Sean’s limo? Has Tierra decided to get married on ATFR? So many questions.
Let’s go to Thailand, shall we?
What we have learned so far: in order to be in Sean’s family, you must be hilarious and easy to be around. “We didn’t know you were weird and funny, son,” Sean’s dad says. We love him. Sean’s mom says “I’m thinking, if there’s gonna be a proposal, you need to already know which way you’re going.” Spoiler alert: he doesn’t.
First up is Catherine, and she barely gets out of her RV ride before Sean is already making out with her and carrying an umbrella. They sit down with Sean’s fam and already there’s a Shay-led cheers... with water. Uh oh, it’s gonna be a long day. Good luck!
C sits down with Sean’s hot mom, who immediately is all “how do you know my son likes you” or whatever. It’s hard to see that some dude likes you when there are 25 other chicks vying for your bf’s heart, but Catherine and Sean have been exchanging notes about her crinkly nose for weeks. Apparently that means love.
Sean’s dad sits down with her next and he says “you think you fall in love with people, but...” is it real? He seems a little skeptical. But then he says that his SIL is his BFF and he wants Catherine to be his daughter. Sorry, Shay.
Catherine leaves after what seems like no time. It’s strange that Shay didn’t sit down with her, considering Sean had her flown to Curacao to meet a group of girls we never saw her talk to... Curious. Oh well, moving on.
Part Two: Lindsay Makes a Play
“What have you guys done,” Sean’s fam asks? Um. This is awkward already. What are you asking, folks?
Well played with the black lace dress and perfectly done hair, Lindsay. Did Sean’s dad borrow his daughter’s pink knitwear? He’s got it going on underneath his excellent dad shirt. But seriously, we just wanna go sit down with this dude and celebrate all of the major holidays with him.
Way to work in “prayer” in your first sentences, though, Linds... We were worried you were going to bend and snap your way into their minds instead. She cries as Jay says that he and his wife have been “praying for Sean’s wife.” Um, how unpopular is this dude?
Lindsay asks for Sean’s hand in marriage. Well played x 2. Pops gives a less complicated answer than Linds’s pops.
His mom is a little cagier. “Is he open with you? Can you get him to talk about serious subjects?” She seems like she likes her but maybe doesn’t want to hear her talk in her baby voice for the rest of their lives together.
Part Three: A Lot of Talking
“My absolute fear is that he would propose to someone and not be sure,” mom says. Glad someone has her head all affixed excellently. “You don’t have a long time to decide this. You don’t need to propose to either of them.” This is going to be the most awkward family dinners if he chooses one that she doesn’t like...
Sean grabs Lindsay for their final date, and because it’s the last time he might see her before he proposes/dumps her, he wears a turquoise tank top and red shorts. And yes, that line of reasoning makes as much sense as this color combination. Somebody has spent too much time at 3D movies.
Lindsay “I love you.” Sean “MMM.” “I mean it.” Yeah, well, it doesn’t make it less awkward.
Sean shows up and Lindsay’s hotel room and they say “thankful” and “blessing” and stuff. Lots of “thank you,” and swallowing sounds and kissing sounds and coordinating shades of red. All the better to bring out Sean’s face skin.
“I have something special for you.” Your virginity? Oh, no, it’s LANTERNS. They NEED “love, happiness, and family” to last forever. “I want to be with my best friend.” Chris Harrison? Maybe that’s his big news.
Part Four: Elephant Touching
Okay, the producers have to be feeding Sean info on what the girls are wearing, because he and Catherine are now wearing matching purples. “I touched an elephant,” she says. “You touched it?” “I touched it.” Hats off, guys. An elephant comes and picks them up and they have to put on blue diaper pants to ride them, but it looks pretty sweet.
They ride the elephant to an elevated perch and lay down. “I’m excited. For... everything,” Catherine says seriously. For all the laughter Sean keeps talking about, they still have a lot of serious conversations. Good sign. But seriously? A smile wouldn’t kill you when you say that you’re stoked. Just sayin.
Sean comes to Catherine’s hotel and it’s more black lace dresses. “The next time I see Sean he might be on his knee.” Journey. They say journey. A lot. Ugh maybe it’s the hour we lost due to DST but we are SO BORED. SO. BORED.
Also, just a note: Catherine is telling Sean she wants to be with him. She wants to accept his proposal. Well, she’s telling the cameras because she certainly doesn’t look at him while she says any of this. When he’s saying goodbye, she cries a little and tells him she loves him, while he has his hand planted firmly on her ass. Good form (we assume).
“I feel like shit, to be honest,” Catherine says. “I want more than that! I can’t get everything out of him!” She is so annoyed. Cue letter set up? That would make lots of sense. “I want him to reciprocate his feelings for me.” She cries and we feel you, girl.
Part Five: When the Right One Comes Along
Best friend count: 2? 3? We’ve lost count due to the Knob Creek Rye we are currently chugging to block out our feelings of awkwardness remembering the number of times we’ve said “I love you” and gotten “um, thanks” in response.
Neil Lane shows up and Sean’s like “Hey, Neil Lane!” and then they look at rose gold rings for awhile. He picks a cushion-cut looking bling ring and it’s way prettier than Tierra’s.
Part Six: It’s All Happening
“I’ve never been in a situation where I’m breaking up with another girl yet I have no reason to give her,” Sean says. Hasn’t stopped our exes.
Lindsay is apparently going to prom because she and her silver shiny dress are the first out of the limo. “This is as far as I go,” Chris says. Subtext: and maybe you too.
“My heart’s leading me in another direction,” Sean tells her. “I prayed about it and it’s not you,” he’s saying. Great, first you dump the poor girl, now you’re ruining GOD for her. Good going, buddy.
“Stop, just stop. Stop.” AshLee Lindsay begs. “Is it me?” We are crying all over her racerback prom dress. She takes off her heels for the schlep back, and we would’ve done the same. No point in trying to impress him now...
The letter is from Catherine and she writes that she wants to marry him. We know, girl. But for a second we were hoping you were like, "We are all a brain, an athlete, and a basket case. A princess and a criminal..." Oh wait. Nope.
She approaches Sean in a gold dress (seriously, what time a day did these girls think it was going to take place?). Anyway, it’s beautiful and they’re all smiling and Catherine’s lashes look amazing. “I don’t want to say goodbye anymore,” Sean says. “I want to spend the rest of my life telling you I love you and making you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.” He finally gets to tell her he loves her “so much,” and we admit it. There are tears.