Have you heard the horrifying news? ABC's Bachelor Pad hasn't been renewed for a fourth season, which is pretty much the most traumatizing thing that could possibly happen to us. Like, even more traumatizing than when Four Loko became illegal.
Our addiction to The Pad knows no bounds, and frankly we're just not sure how to make it through a summer without watching Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants frolic around in murky, bacteria infested waters while competing for $250,000. Clearly, comfort corn dogs will be needed in this painful time. And lists. So many lists. With that in mind, check out 5 reasons we think ABC should bring back Bachelor Pad!
1. So We Have a Reason to Wake Up in the Morning In case we hadn't made it clear, we live vicariously through the contestants on Bachelor Pad. In fact, we spend most episodes wearing a thong-kini and lounging around an inflatable pool filled with whipped cream. This hot ‘n sexy game show is the only thing that makes summer Monday nights bearable, and who knows what will happen to us in its absence. We'll probably just faceplate into a pile of roses and write some fanfiction in our Dead Journal (too sad for Live Journal).
2. Because a Summer Without Drunken Makeouts Isn't a Summer We're Prepared to Live Through One of the best parts of Bachelor Pad is that all the sexually frustrated contestants from Bachelor and Bachelorette get to unbridle their passions. These ladies and gents are single and ready to mingle, by which we mean they're single and ready to dry hump each other while pounding white wine and getting accidentally high on toxic spray tan fumes. Without Bachelor Pad in our lives, we might be forced to wander around a college campus until we stumble upon a frat party. And we'd prefer not to get arrested for breaking and entering.
3. How Else Are We Going To Check In on the Ghosts of Bachelor Past? Every time a Bachelor or Bachelorette gets deflowered, we shed a slow-motion, rose-scented tear. Why, Bachelor Gods, why'd you have to take them away from us so soon?! Luckily, Bachelor Nation fans get a chance to check in on their favorites when they re-emerge from the backwoods during Bachelor Pad, but oh wait. Nevermind. Not this year, because apparently the world just isn't ready to see Bachelorette Season 8 jock Ryan Bowers serenade the likes of Bachelor Season 17 hottie Lesley Murphy while wearing nothing but a banana hammock.
4. Because Chris Harrison Might Have an Existential Crisis Chris Harrison spends his waking hours hosting The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor Pad. Basically, he lives, breathes, and eats sexy shirtless singles, but he gets his real fix during The Pad. However, now that 1/3 of this matchmaker's job has been taken away, we're worried that Chris will wander off into the great unknown with nothing but a bottle of wine and some casual menswear, only to make friends with a feral deer. Otherwise known as The Stag. Otherwise known as Michael Stagliano.
5. Because No Other Summer Game Show Is Half as Fun Yeah, yeah, we love Bachelor Pad because everyone gets wasted, rubs hot oil on each other, and wears the same unwashed bikini for weeks on end, but when it comes down to it, this is a game show. Its competition? Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader (answer: nope) and Wipeout. In other words, hardly top notch. Bachelor Pad is the best show of the summer, and now that it's over we'll have to spend our time competing with small children through the TV. Are you happy, ABC? Are you?