When the episode begins, Emma and David have briefly turned into badass cops and storm Regina’s office, only to realize that someone beat them to the punch. The magic beans are gone, and Regina appears to be missing. Emma is convinced it’s Tamara, but David doesn’t listen.
Greg and Tamara do have Regina, not to mention the gemstone they found on her that triggers the curse’s failsafe and destroys Storybrooke. How convenient. Then, when Regina claims that Greg’s dad bailed on him, Greg straps electrodes to her scalp and tortures her, Zero Dark Thirty-style. Being an evil queen isn’t always everything it’s cracked up to be.
Neal and Emma head to the shore, but it’s sadly not for a long, romantic walk on the beach — it’s to find Tamara. Tamara — who’s apparently training for the annual Storybrooke Marathon — jogs past them, and then Neal tells Emma that he’s sorry for everything and can’t forgive himself for abandoning her. Okay, so maybe their walk on the beach is pretty sentimental after all.
You know how you always keep bottles of your friends’ tears handy, just in case you need them? Well, that’s what Gold has done with Regina’s tear, which he combines with Snow’s in order for Snow to experience what Regina is experiencing. Too bad Regina was in the process of getting tortured and not, say, having a blast at Disneyland.
Back in the impromptu torture chamber, Greg and Tamara inform Regina they are trying to destroy magic, and that a group called People Who Hate Magic (well, we assume that’s what they’re called) recruited Greg after his dad went missing. Regina then confesses to having killed his dad and buried him at their campsite, leading Greg to amp up the torture. Not wise, Regina.
Gold lavishes Lacey with necklaces that appear out of thin air — suddenly, we kinda wish our boyfriends were the Dark One — and so she asks to be made immortal. He says that immortals can still die, since a prophecy says someone will cause his undoing. Lacey suggests just offing this troublemaker, which is an idea Gold seems to take a liking to.
What Will the Home Office Think?
Snow remembers having smelled sardines while Regina was being tortured — who knew Snow was such a sardine connoisseur? — so Emma and David realize Regina is being kept at the docks. They manage to save Regina, and then Neal learns Tamara never loved him. Don’t worry, Neal —we love you.
Tamara then does to Neal what any logical person would do to an ex-fiance: She shoots him. Emma intervenes, but Tamara creates a portal with a magic bean. Neal saves Emma from the portal, but then he slips. Just before Neal falls in, they both say they love each other. Aww! And who among us hasn’t had a romantic moment just before falling into a magic portal?
Greg finds his father’s remains, and as Regina recovers, she informs everyone that Tamara has the trigger to destroy Storybrooke. Tamara and Greg agree that the time has come to blow Storybrooke off the map. And here we didn’t even think it was on any maps to begin with.
Rule of Thumb: Don’t Agree to Fly Away with Shadow People
In this week’s freakin’ awesome flashback, young Bae leaves Fairytale Land and ends up in Victorian-era London, where Wendy Darling and her family care for him. Wendy says that a shadow comes to the window and can take them to a cool land where there are no grown-ups, but Bae thinks this is a bad idea. Actually, any sensible person would know that’s a bad idea.
But Wendy gives in to her apparent love of creepy shadow people, and so the shadow man (who is very much like the smoke monster in Lost, but who’s counting) takes her to Neverland. When she returns, she tells Bae he was right to fear the shadow, since it wants to come back to steal one of her brothers. Too bad there were no Amber alerts back then.
When the shadow returns, it’s about to swipe Wendy’s brother, but Neal offers to go instead. As he is being pulled to Neverland, Bae lights a match and manages to escape into the water below. Bae seems like he’s about to drown when he’s rescued by... Captain Hook! So much handsomeness on one boat.
Three Biggest Mysteries of the Night
— So many mysteries heading into the finale! Will Storybrooke really get destroyed? Is Neal okay? And Gold can’t possibly go through with harming Henry, right? Right??
— We weren’t the only ones who had to stifle laughter every time Greg and Tamara discussed the “home office,” were we? (Greg: “What did the home office say?” Tamara: “They said to destroy Storybrooke, and they also said not to forget that this week is ‘Funny Hat Friday.’”) Still, we’re curious to see who else is working with them.
— We still hope we’ll get to see Neverland before the season is over. So is it safe to assume that the magic-bean portal will land Neal back in Neverland? And could Lacey’s obsession with immortality be a suggestion that she could end up in Neverland, too? Neverland’s population might be on the verge of increasing exponentially.