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The Bachelorette

Bachelorette Recap Season 9 Episode 3: Dodgeballs to the Wall

This week on The Bachelorette, Desiree Hartsock got her Little Bo Peep on and herded her flock of man-sheep to unexplored territory — and we're not talking about her tongue, which is basically the most explored territory ever. That's right, Des broke the rules and treated her men to not one, but two, group dates. It's just like, GTFO rules, let's all go to a dude ranch and indulge in some erotic Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman fantasies!

Group Date Dodgeball — The Ballsiest Baller

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Desiree loves nothing more than seeing her men get physical (physical), which is why she forced them into short-shorts for a rousing game of dodgeball. Naturally, Des' dudes were pros (especially after a few lessons from the National Dodgeball League), but whatever. LIVES ARE AT RISK, guys. Tragedy has befallen Bachelor Nation because a) Brooks wore a half ponytail throughout the entire group date, and b) Brooks' finger was broken in a freak ball-play accident, resulting in his being whisked off to the local hospital by a team of psychiatrists masquerading as EMTs.

Luckily, Desiree didn't lose any sleep over Brooks' finger (it will never be the same), and instead invited both the Red team (Brooks, Brandon, Chris, Mikey and Mike) and the Blue team (Brad, Ben,Zack, Brian, and Drew) to a sexy after party. So, which lucky gent got Des' rose? That would be Chris, who snuggled up to Des and earned himself an invitation to a private Kate Earl concert. You know, Kate Earl? She's a soul singer. Anyway, they made out in front of her and it was weird.

One-On-One Date — #KalamityKasey

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As we all know, Chris "Grim Reaper" Harrison loves nothing more than forcing his Bachelors and Bachelorettes to partake in near-death experiences, and this week Desiree and Kasey were forced to propel off the side of a skyscraper with some experimental dance troupe called "Bandaloop." As you might expect, Kasey's artistic body spasms were amazing — though he and Des almost plummeted to their doom a few times. The usual.

Unfortunately, Desiree was kind of "meh" about the entire date, but Kasey managed to win girlfriend over during a romantic rooftop dinner. Well, until the Santa Ana Winds were like "f— this, f— that, f— everything," and made a futile attempt to blow Kasey away. Psh, nice try, wind — Kasey and Des simply jumped into a nearby pool, hunkered under some towels, and made out! And yes, boyfriend got the rose. #headscratcher

Group Date at the Dude Ranch: Let’s Play Cowboys and... Cowboys!

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Desiree has a fetish for Wild West fantasies where she's dressed as a fancy prostitute, which is presumably why she took Zak, James, Juan Pablo, Bryden, and Dan to a dude ranch for a day of old-timey hijinks! Not only did Des' cowboys dress up in chaps and lasso hay bales with bright pink jump ropes (which we assume they stole from some innocent seven-year-old girls) they partook in faux fist-fights, rode a few traumatized horses, and even learned how to quick-draw their pistols — which is unfortunately not a euphemism.

Ultimately, Des was most impressed by Juan Pablo's sexy cowboy skills, and treated him to a special viewing of The Lone Ranger as a reward.

Oh, and and they totally made out in the movie theater! By which we mean "collection of hay bales." But did Juan Pablo get the rose?

Nope, that honor (and a sexy smooch) went to James and his chiseled self!

Most Dramatic Moments Of The Episode

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Brian Betrays Des: Clutch your pearls, because there is a traitor among us. Turns out Brian Jarosinski learned approximately zero lessons from Desiree's groundbreaking music video "Right Reasons," because he has a secret girlfriend. HOW COULD YOU, BRIAN?!

This dude's gal pal, Stephanie Larimore, had our jaws dropping when she broke into Bachelor Mansion and promptly accused Brian of cheating on her — but fear not. Desiree handled the situation like a class-act and sent Brian packing. We can only assume the crew of ABC dropped him off in some ravine behind Bachelor Mansion where he's currently living on a diet of raw squirrels and his own tears.

Ben vs M&M: So, everyone still hates Ben. And not just because he spent the majority of this episode frolicking around in hot pink shorts. Ben's fellow brosefs were none too happy about the fact that he macked on Desiree in secret, and Mike Garofola and Mikey Tenerelli decided to double team him with the power of their mutual Mikeyness.

To paraphrase M&M's exact words, "We'll never be friends. We can't unscramble that egg." Yeah, we're sure Ben's crying himself to sleep over that one.

Who Was Sent Home?

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Desiree loves all her men equally, but sadly it just isn't legal to marry two dozen hotties. Psh, we thought you were LIBERAL, California. Anyway, Des had to said goodbye to both Brandon Andreen and Dan Cox — which was especially painful considering that Brandon dropped the L-word just hours before.

As you might expect, boyfriend had a complete breakdown, and uttered the sentence "I pretty much just got my heart smashed by a hammer." Awkward....

Quote of the Night

Mike Garofola: "You can't even hear the whiz of the balls flying by your face. It was just a free-for-all!"

Next Week on The Bachelorette

Desiree and her troop of wandering minstrels hit up Atlantic City, New Jersey, during an all new episode of The Bachelorette — airing June 17 at 8/7c on ABC! Not only will Des have 1-on-1 dates with both Brad McKinzie and James Case, she’ll also treat her hotties to a group date at a Mr. America competition. And yes, banana hammocks are involved. Unmissable, y'all.