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The Bachelorette

Bachelorette 2013 Week 4 Promo Analysis: Fun With Public Humiliation

Watching the promo for Season 9 Episode 4 of The Bachelorette is the best part of our lives. Like, even better than trolling around Chris Harrison's menswear website while drinking wine coolers. This Monday's trip to the cruel and unusual corners of Desiree Hartsock's mind looks even more fantastic than usual, mostly because Des forces her competitors to participate in a Mr. America competition. And yes, Kasey tap-dances. #shrinkage

We've analyzed each second of promo content and created a detailed analysis of what’s to come!

Credit: ABC video still    

00:03 — Plane Dramatically Takes Off In the Sky
Presumably housing the wayward love children of this season's contestants. Bye forever, little ones.

00:06 — ABC Interns Get Crafty with Stock Footage of Atlantic City
One would almost think it's a fun place to visit.

00:07 — Desiree's Men Roam Around Some Desolate Street
Because Atlantic City's population of retirees are already in bed, duh.

00:09 — Desiree Flies Around In a Giant Ball
Screams hysterically while doing so.

00:10 — Desiree Tells Us That She Wants a Love Who Can "Light the Darkness"
We hear Gandalf is still single!

Credit: ABC video still    

00:12 — Des Realizes She Hasn't Been Kissed All Day, Pounces Drew
Does anyone else think the contestants should be required to use dental dams for all makeout sessions? Safety first.

0:15 — Desiree Gets Way Too Excited About Winning a Carnival Prize
Imagine how enthused she'll be when she wins an actual living human later this season. You know, assuming it all works out.

0:16 — Desiree Forces ABC Interns To Build Her a Sand Castle Throne
Proceeds to sit in front of said throne for hours.

0:18 — Desiree Kisses Someone Who May or May Not Be Mike Garofola
In other words, she gives him her sugar. OMG, diabetes jokes.

0:19 — Random Helicopter Putters Around the Sky
Ugh, is that an aid ‘copter cuz Brooks breaks another finger?

Credit: ABC video still    

0:24 — Desiree Makes Out with James Case While Slow Dancing
AKA her favorite hobby other than wearing Lululemon.

0:32 — Kasey Gets Way Too Excited About Tap Dancing for Desiree
#nope #nope #nopety #nope

0:36 — Chris Wears Heels While Hula Hooping, Has No Regrets

0:38 — Ben Performs Rhythmic Gymnastics Routine
While wearing jodhpurs. Follow your bliss, Ben!

0:42 — Desiree Laughs Insanely While Her Contestants Humiliate Themselves
All she needs is a white fluffy cat and she'd be Dr. Evil. But, like, the hot lady version.

Credit: ABC video still    

0:43 — Des' Men Line Up in Banana Hammocks to Be Judged

0:50 — Ben and Desiree Frolick Around a Pool
And they manage not to get blown away by freak windstorm, unlike SOME PEOPLE.

0:54 — Montage of Men Looking Sad While Des Hangs With Ben
Can't she see how hurt they are? CAN'T SHE SEE THEIR TEARS?!

0:59 — Bryden Comes Clean: "I Hate Ben"
Really, because we just hate Ben's taste in tank tops.

1:04 — Bryden Throws Ben Under The Bus
Not literally, though we're sure Chris Harrison would have loved that.