Bachelorette 2013 Hot Mess of the Week: Brandon Andreen… AGAIN
Oh, Brandon Andreen, you tragic-yet-hunky soul, you. This despondent Bachelorette contestant took things to a whole new level when he decided to declare his undying love for Desiree Hartsock during this Monday's episode of our favorite show. The setting? A pool party with a dozen shirtless hotties posturing their abs in the hopes of attracting a mate. The reaction? Side-eyes and a hugely awkward kiss, in which Brandon shoved his tongue down Desiree's throat while she was just like "Nope, Nope, Noooooo — dsahdjkhsakk, gurgle-gurgle-gurgle."
Apparently, Brandon was super overcome with emotion because of this one time that he was raised by a fleet of his mom's boyfriends, all of whom rejected him. This tragic revelation was difficult for our delicate butterfly to talk about, so he did what any normal person would do and dropped the L-bomb on Des after knowing her for approximately 10 days. But whatever, guys, she "consumes his mind." Stop judging him — he's wonderful!!!
As you might expect, Des was left with no choice but to deflower Brandon, and he departed Bachelor Mansion broken-hearted. In fact, his exact words were "Once again someone left me. Yeah, way to go Brandon. I can't even cry. I'm just out of tears."
Yes, Bachelor Nation, Brandon didn't even have tears to cry, because he was all out of them. Also, we're going to go ahead and bypass the fact that Brandon slipped into the third person while talking about himself... just go ahead and do you, buddy.
For those of you who are worried about Brandon's feels, you'll be happy to know that he's doing swimmingly, and has presumably restocked his tear ducts. Clearly, Chris Harrison had the good sense to send "Paulie" along with Brandon as he made his way out of Bachelor Mansion — you know, just to make sure he didn't hurl himself into a thorny bush of roses.
In other news, let's all take a moment of silence for Brandon and Desiree's lost relationship. It was even more beautiful than that one time Brandon said "I'm not going to get emotional" while secretly crying soft tears.