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The Bachelorette

Bachelorette Recap Season 9 Episode 4: God Bless The Mr. USA!

Welcome to Atlantic City, AKA the most romantic spot in the entire world (said no one ever)! This week on The Bachelorette Season 9, Desiree herded her flock of nomadic men-sheep to the flowering hills and valleys of New Jersey, and it was basically the most beautiful thing we've ever seen in our lives.

Not only did Des score 1-on-1 dates with both Brad and James, she also forced her hunks to participate in a Mr. America competition and spent the entire time all, "Nom-nom-nom, let me eat all this man meat with my eyes!" Oh, and also Desiree saved New Jersey from the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. Way to get beaten at your own game, Mother Nature.

Brad and Des Mock Mike Garofola on a Candy-Centric Date

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In case you'd forgotten, Brad got down with some sexy lady back in the days of yore, and now he has a love child named Maddex. You'd think Desiree would've been thrilled by Brad's ability to pollinate her rose garden, but apparently not so much. Sure, these two had a blast frolicking around Atlantic City's boardwalk and screaming for help while being cannonballed into the air on a terrifying "ride" that Chris Harrison definitely forced them onto, but Brad failed to make a great impression during dinner. The conversation, guys. It was lacking.

As you might expect, Des didn't bestow a rose upon Brad — but not because they didn't have a blast force feeding each other chocolate pretzels and breaking into a taffy factory. Turns out Des thought "something was missing" and "wants a love that can light the darkness," and poor Brad was left broken-hearted. Or unscathed. We honestly couldn’t tell, which was part of the problem...

Mister America Pageant: Whose Talent Came Unhidden

Credit: Lou Rocco/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

You know what's fun? Forcing your fleet of boyfriends to make fools out of themselves on national television in the name of love. Which is probably why Desiree LOLed herself silly while her hotties participated in a Mr. America competition. The highlights? Kasey tap dancing like Billy Elliot on steroids, Chris hula-hooping while wearing ladies' heels (leave his experimental transgendered fetishes alone, guys), and Brooks fondling — sorry, violating — a ukulele.

So, who won the coveted title of Mr. America? That would be Kasey! Though just because this hashtagger prevailed in the art of "Public Humiliation," doesn't mean he got Desiree's group date rose. That honor went to none other than Zak, who managed to impress Des by crooning at her while strumming his guitar. And no, "guitar" isn't a euphemism.

James Makes His Case Clear (Get It?)

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You guys, things are about to get super serious so please stop LOLing at the image of Kasey flopping around stage and listen up. This week, Desiree and James barfed up a bunch of do-goodery all over Seaside Heights, an area of New Jersey which was torn apart during Hurricane Sandy. Des and James were heartbroken by the devastation, and to make matters even more sad, they just happened to stumble across some adorable geriatric couple named Manny and Jan who lost their home during the storm!

Obviously, Des and James were like "WE MUST DO SOMETHING," so they treated Team Janny to an adorable old-person date (including a Darius Rucker concert!), while they grabbed a simple slice of pizza (OMG OMG OMG OMG, PIZZAAAAAAA) and bonded over their mutual love for love. Oh, and also James revealed that he cheated on his ex-girlfriend back in the day. But don't worry, Des totally gave him a rose anyway — probably because Manny told her to.

Most Dramatic Moment Of The Episode: Bryden's "Meh" About Des

Credit: Lou Rocco/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Apparently, Atlantic City made Bryden realizes that he's not actually that into Des. Who knows what changed his mind (maybe the fact that she's also macking on eleven other hotties?), but homie straight-up confronted Des about his feels this week. You'd think she'd be like "peace out, yosef" but Des is even more attracted to Bryden now that he's iffy about her, and she literally wouldn't let him leave. Take Desiree's rose or face Chris Harrison's punishment, Bryden. Also, Chris' "punishment" includes being forced to dress in his menswear line.

Who Went Home?

Credit: Lou Rocco/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Desiree only had to eliminate one poor soul during this week's Rose Ceremony, and said soul was Zack Kalter. Poor Zack tried so hard to win Desiree's heart, but tragically he was deflowered and sent back from whence he came. AKA the Orange County chapter of The Lonely Hearts Club, where he'll surely reclaim his position as "Loneliest Heart Ever,” and play the song "One Is The Loneliest Number" on repeat. Call us, Zack!

Quote of the Night

Brooks busts out his inner seven-year-old girl: "She's kinda this mystical creature. She's like a unicorn."

Next Week on The Bachelorette

Desiree and her remaining bachelors are heading to Germany during next Monday's episode of The Bachelorette (airing June 24 on ABC). Besides a fun-filled 1-on-1 date with Chris, Des'll have a menage a trois with Ben and Michael G., and one of them will be sent home! Even more exciting? Des and her hopeful hubbies will hit the slopes for a day of group sledding, wherein we assume someone will fall (read: be shoved) off a cliff or accidentally get buried alive in an avalanche. You know the usual. Be there, or be square!