The episode begins with Desiree in tears, sitting down with Chris Harrison to discuss what she is supposed to do, now that she has the two handsome bachelors left. Both Drew and Chris have told her outright that they love her, and she spent amazing days with each man during the Season 9 Overnight Dates on July 29.
Drew couldn’t stop kissing Desiree, and gladly accepted the Fantasy Suite card from her — though what happens in Antigua, stays in Antigua. As for Chris, his main concern was whether Des would be willing to move to Seattle if he was the last man standing. Her answer? Surely, thanks for asking. But did she say so because she knew she wouldn’t have to make that choice — that she wouldn’t be accepting a proposal from the mortgage broker in the end?
Although we have more questions than answers as we go into the final evening of Desiree’s Season 9 journey, hopefully we’ll get our answers tonight on The Bachelorette.
It all starts right now, and we'll be live blogging right along with you.
Chris Harrison is clearly wearing some of his own clothing line, skinny tie and all. The live event begins with him saying "Desiree was left virtually hopeless," so this won't be awkward.
"The last time we saw Des, she was alone, crying on a dock in Anteeeeeega," Chris reminds us all. No kidding, dude. But now she's wearing the flesh-colored maxi dress version of a nightgown, so at least that's happening for us all.
Des doesn't know where to start, but we'd like to suggest she does so by taking off her enormous, clashing statement necklace. Chris is all "how are you doing today? I don't think you're okay" and Des is like "STOP ASKING ME, DEEB" which we totally agree with...
To add insult to injury, they're sitting in Pier 1 Import wicker chairs with cushions made from excess pocket square fabric, a Sandra Lee tablescape behind them... and in front of them... basically, they're in a single housewife's bathroom, there are so many shells.
"Obviously I can see what happened to your heart," Chris says, reminding her that she's gotta suck it up and finish it out with either Chris S or Drew.
As if trying to brainwash her, Chris continues to repeat their names. (His name was Robert Paulson, His name was Robert Paulson)
"There's gonna be a little sadness, but I bet you light up when you see them," Chris commands says, with the cheesy piano music forcing Des to continue on. "There is going to be a rose ceremony. You're going to have feelings. DO IT."
Drew appears, tie-less, and this can't be good, right? Oh wait, except that Chris comes in a matching one. Chris comes to stand at the end of a mass-made tribal print rug, which probably used to be Desiree's car coat.
On a table, there are two roses. Des stares at the super hot guys, and she must be feeling a little bit of sparkle, though she nearly cries when she tells them that Brooks left.
"It turned my world upside down, but it goes to show that love is unpredictable and it is a two-way street. But let's put that aside... from day one, I've taken every relationship individually." She has two roses and two amazing guys, and she begs "when I say your name, please let me know." And then sobs. If you were Chris or Drew, what would you do right now? She's clearly COMPLETELY DESTROYED over Brooks. So... Basically, if we were them, we'd split an Uber right now to save money.
She calls Drew's name first, and he accepts her rose. When it's Chris's turn, she makes a face as she asks if he'll accept the rose. He hugs her and her statement necklace and nightgown are still happening, so at least there are some consistencies.
She crosses the rose and hugs Chris first. Drew says he's "ready to propose and is so in love with her, he'll never walk away... he'll never leave Desiree." Okay, so what's actually going to happen?! We have no idea.
...Meanwhile in the live audience, most of the crowd thinks Brooks comes back, a lot of the women think Chris is going to win, and Drew gets like nine girls' votes. To make us all feel a little awkward, he's like "CLAP IF YOU BELIEVE IN FAIRIES! Or, you know, if you think Des can still find love." Obviously, people clap. Yikes.
Desiree explains that her world was rocked and that her feelings and emotions (they're different things, guys) are still invested. So she does what any normal girl would do — she straps on a crop top straight from the Disney Pocahontas line of tween clothing, and hops on a horse.
Drew and his purple chambray shorts tell Des he's just been hanging in his room. When they get to the beach, the horses just run free.
Drew cheerses to "being madly in love and wanting to be nowhere else but there."
Sitting on the beach, Desiree tells Drew that she's not that into him. She starts sobbing and says "I don't know if I see our futures together if I can be 100% in love with you." And he's like "Um. I didn't see this happening," and covers his face, crying. He can't stop saying "um" but then says "I guess I have to thank you for being honest. I don't know.. I don't know... I don't know... I don't know..." They're still holding hands, and Des apologizes over and over again. "You've been so honest and shown me how you care. And I was hoping I'd be the one who could love you the way you... I don't ever want to hurt someone."
Drew, wisely says, "You don't have to be sorry for not being in love with me. Just because I feel a certain way, doesn't mean you can control that. I would want you to be as in love with me as I am with you. This hurts. This hurts a lot. I don't know when this will really sink in, but I guess this is goodbye." They hug.
He walks up the beach, saying that he's confused. No kidding, brosef. She gave you a rose, like, yesterday. So, there's that.
"When it was all said and done, she just didn't want to be with me. I really did love her... I really do love her. I don't get it. She's the most amazing woman I've ever met, and now I have to think about a life without her. I never thought that it would be like this. I don't expect a perfect life. I wouldn't know what to do with one. I just want to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted. I guess I've got to start over," Drew emotes. Cheer up buddy, you only met her six weeks ago...
...Back in the live audience, Chris reminds us all that this is unprecedented. No. Kidding.
Um, did Des just give Chris the date she was supposed to have with Brooks? Guess ABC couldn't get their catamaran deposit back... Fingers crossed Brooks emerges from the ocean like a merman and is PISSED.
They hug and kiss and pinch each other (because they're dreaming, of course). "It feels nice," Des says of spending time with Chris. Uh, great, I hope that's what you want your life to be like — nice.
Regardless of her adjective (now's the time for that word, FYI), it's nice to see Des smile again. Because as pretty of a crier as she is, it's hard to watch someone shed that many tears.
Des says, "this is unexpected, but then life is unexpected." Which, okay, you just got your heart broken, so we'll give you this cliché.
Chris proposes a toast to Des for their "amazing adventure and experience."
They tell each other their story, back and forth, as if they're trying to get reassurance for their feelings. It's a lot of looking away and Chris tapping his champagne flute on his foot.
He wants to meet her family and he has a gift for her, and guess what? It's a journal... full of poems that he wrote for her. There's a quote and an inscription. Because, lovea;sldkjf;lasdkjf;lasdkf
She says a cheers to him for being the best man she's ever known, "not to mention, a loyal friend."
Man, let's hope that Brooks doesn't come back, because that would be awwwwwkward.
Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici are hanging in the studio audience, with Sean dressed the most bland suit ever, and Catherine wearing a ponytail. Man, times have changed.
"What would you have done if Catherine had left the way Brooks does?" Chris asked. Sean says, "I think I would've packed my bags and gone home." REALLY? BECAUSE Lindsay Yenter is standing FIVE FEET AWAY!
And then, to make things more awkward, Chris is like "thanks Catherine, now I'm going to talk to some of Desiree's friends." Um...
Jackie Parr says she's "shocked" that Brooks isn't the guy in the end. Half the audience nods while the others are like "who is this girl?" She goes from saying "all signs pointed to Brooks" to "she was 100% in love with Brooks" when talking about Madeira.
Lesley Murphy says that it looks likes Des is falling in love with Chris. But really, Les just looks really sleepy.
Chris grabs Lindsay Yenter and he's like "Sean made you cry" and Linds is all "I want to throw a shoe at their heads... but I'm still feeling like Brooks may be the guy... I'm worried, I'm worried for her."
What's this? Des looks pretty and stylish in coral while Chris continues his blue streak, looking like he just came from an on-call shift at the hospital.
Des walks in with Chris and his brother sizes him up like "IMMA EATCHU" but somehow we are strangely attracted to Nate. Maybe it's his striped shirt and cleaned up look.
Her dad is like "why should Desiree choose you?" and we have to say, pop, it's because he's the only one left.
Nate is all about the grilling "Why do you like my sister?" "Did you ever second guess things?" Nate seems to try and interject while Chris lays out what dating is "You date someone and they might be dating other people, but you don't see that." Oh, really, Chris? Is that how dating works?
HandTats sits at the end of the table, and he's like "what do you think about the last one that's left?" meaning Drew. So, she hasn't told Chris that she dumped him already. Interesting. Her dad tells him to take a hike... with him.
Chris asks her dad if he can have Desiree's hand in marriage. As much as we wish he'd be the first dad to be like "nah brah," her dad says yes. Chris and his terrible pants [somehow too big and too short at the same time...] leave and Des consults her brother.
Nate asks if Chris is the one she wants to spend her life with and she says "in the moment, yeah." Um, okay. But he says that he sorta kinda approves. Which, for Nate, is like a stamp of approval.
But then Nate brings up Brooks, because he's (for once) the rational person in the room. "Are you upset?" We are.
Chris goes to talk to Neil Lane, and he smiles like Jason Street (FNL for life). He picks a cushion-cut diamond ring, which will be lovely on her, if she accepts it.
Des appears in a pale pink, one-shouldered dress with a gauzy overlay and hip-placed embellishment few women could pull off. It cuts in at her knees before flowing outward. Very fairytale, but better than we imagined it would be.
"I want her to say 'I love you,'" Chris tells camera. "I would be shocked if something today got in the way of the relationship Desiree and I built." Des almost cries when Chris appears with facial hair, and we understand why — you had time to get that stupid tie clip, but not enough to shave or grow a convincing beard?
Chris says he loves "that time a few weeks ago when they did that thing" even though they just met like five and a half minutes ago. He "loves the look in her eyes when he reads poetry." Um, only one person loves poetry.
Chris starts to get on one knee and Des is like "Don't say anything."
Des says she has a few things to say to him, and she says "I want to be completely honest with you, and tell you where my heart has been, and where it is right now. I said goodbye to Drew and you're the only one who's here...."
She tells Chris she loved Brooks and she was torn between the two of them, and that she feels like she was blindsided by her feelings for Brooks. "I couldn't see that the one thing I needed was right in front of me. You've been by my side since the very beginning ... I love you so much."
They kiss a bunch of times.
Chris is like, "I'm confident in saying this, 100%" because that's his slogan. "Do you want to go home together? Do you want to share our experiences together? Do you want to have kids?"
He gets down on one knee, and says "Desiree Hartsock, I want to be your first and I want to be your last" WHAT?! "Will you marry me?" "A thousand times, she says. I want to grow old... and gray... and wrinkly... and I promise to tell you everything." Her fingers are shaking and they kiss a whole bunch more.
Des gives Chris the final rose and says "will you grow old with me forever?" Apparently she doesn't know how age and death works, but that's cool, cuz they're engaged... Congratulations!