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The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette Season 9 Finale Recap: Who Did Desiree Hartsock Pick?

Desiree Hartsock is basically a broken shell of a human. Gone are the days when she'd gleefully frolic around in rollerskates and doodle her feels in sketchbooks. Now all this tragic spinster does is sob while cameramen offer her approximately zero comfort, and we blame Brooks Forester. Mostly because he broke her heart-sock into a million pieces.

Desiree spent most of this week's Bachelorette finale mourning the loss of her pompadoured soulmate and his delicate pinkies, but OMG NEVERMIND! Love is once again in the air, and Desiree totally ended up engaged by the end of this three million hour long episode! So, what went down? Read on to find out, and you may want to grab a pile of smelling salts (read: pizza) in case you pass out from happiness and need to be resuscitated.

Desiree Breaks Up With...

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Last time we checked on Desiree she was sittin' on the dock of the bay, watchin' the tide roll away. And by "the tide" we mean her tears. But this week, Des was faced with a horrible decision: whether she should marry Drew Kenney or Chris Siegfried. It's like, Desiree. We all know you belong with Dawson Leery. Just change your name to Joey and feel his creek-rain on your skin!

Anyway, Des obviously couldn't make make any decisions without consulting her personal guru, Chris Harrison, who refused to hug her as she sobbed. But after a therapeutic consultation with Chris and his collection of candles, Des decided to give both Chris Siegfried and Drew Kenney roses, and she took them on one finale date each!

A simple run down? Desiree wandered around on some terrified horse (nay, STALLION) and promptly broke up with Drew while wearing a belly shirt. Unlike the horse, he just wasn't whispering to her. Luckily, Des' date with Chris went somewhat better (he gave her a notebook of poems because he's literally incapable of opening his mouth without a rhyming couplet emerging), and she decided to introduce him to her family. But did he win their approval? Of course he did! They loved him! Even Des' brother who hates everyone was a fan! But was Desiree able to get over her feelings for Brooks and let Chris into her heart? That remains to be seen.

The Proposal (Not –– Thankfully –– Starring Ryan Reynolds)

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The time has come for Desiree to boldly go where every single Bachelorette has gone before. To some weird tropical altar that Chris Harrison's indentured servants sculpted out of pineapples and foliage. Of course, before popping the question to Des at said altar, Chris Siegfried had to have a ceremonial bonding session with Neil Lane and his satchel of lady goods. Chris picked out a truly stunning ring, and ended up proposing to Des on one knee in the most adorable way ever — and we use the term "proposing" loosely. Dude basically recited a non-rhyming poem. Don't even worry about it.

The catch? Des interrupted Chris' monologue to tell him all about how much she used to love Brooks — but fear not! Her love for Brooks was simply blinding her OG love for Chris, and she ended up saying "yes, yes a thousand times yes" to his proposal!

Looks like Des is living happily ever after with her poem-happy knight in shining armor and his handsy chiropractor father (she's even moving to Seattle!), which means her entire Bachelorette love journey totally wasn't a huge waste of time.

Also, somewhere Brooks "I Don't Love You" Forester is floating in a sea of his own tears thanks to the natural buoyancy of his hair.

Quote of the Week

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Chris proposes to Desiree: "Do you want to have kids?" Usually a question people ask before they get down on one knee, Chris.

Who Is The Next Bachelor?

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The Bachelorette's “After the Final Rose” special was a clusterf*** of happy tears and candles, but the highlight? No, not Des and her man making sweet love with their eyes while Chris Harrison squealed in delight. The highlight was Chris revealing ABC's next Bachelor! Also known as Juan Pablo Galavis, Desiree's hunky former lover who apparently spends his free time lounging naked on beaches / chasing seagulls. Consider our loins girded!