Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    
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The Bachelor

Bachelor 2014 Premiere Quotes: “It Feels Like You’re a Meat and They Wanna Eat You”

So, turns out Bachelor Juan Pablo Galavis is somewhat of a wordsmith. Not only does he speak the language of love (proof, he said: "I speak the language of love"), he has all kinds of inspirational musings up his sleeves — except he doesn't wear sleeves because he's always naked. And don't even get us started on the musings of his bachelorettes, a deeply intelligent and extremely sophisticated crop of lunatics who spend a lot of time talking about their feelings.

With that in mind, check out the best quotes from The Bachelor 18's season premiere, each of which we would like etched on our tombstone.

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

10. Juan Pablo describes his first night in Bachelor Mansion: "It feels like you're a meat and they wanna eat you."
As if, all these ladies are vegetarians except for sausage.

9. Juan Pablo on meeting Kat Hurd: "She smells good. Very good." worried.

8. Amy Jokinen makes us uncomfortable: "I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me!"

7. Juan Pablo on his requirements for a wife: "You can be tall, you can be small. It's fine."
Poor dude just wants someone to dribble his balls. HIS SOCCER BALLS, GUYS.

6. Sharleen Joynt lies to herself: "I'm trying to not eat meat as much."
Good luck with that, girl.

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

5. Juan Pablo shares his future plans: "I wanna have two more kids. BADLY."
Our ovaries currently have a vacancy.

4. Juan Pablo remains perfect: "Am I gonna find the right one? WOOF I hope so."
Note to self: must say "woof" more.

3. Juan Pablo talks about wieners: "Oh that's right, a wiener."
We just. We just.

2. Juan Pablo checks out Clare Crawley’s preg-ness: "You look gorgeous with a belly."
And hark, a fetish was born.

1. Kylie Lewis terrifies Juan Pablo: "I actually dreamt about you for the first time."
But not the last.

Happy Season 18, y'all!