Ummm. So, most of this list of quotes is devoted to Victoria Lima's drunken meltdown. All other musings are immediately rendered irrelevant — except for a few wonderful gems from El Bachelor himself, as well as some words of wisdom from his tribe of ladies. Or, as we're sure Juan Pablo Galavis refers to them in his private furry fantasies, his "four-legged friends."
1. Victoria gives up on Juan Pablo: "Send me home. I don't give a f––."
Pretty much our life motto.
2. Clare Crawley (upon seeing Juan Pablo shirtless): "Please help me. Please help me to control myself."
If Juan Pablo goes missing, we know what happened to him.
3. Andi Dorfman rationalizes her public nudity: "At the end of the day, this is for the dogs."
THE DOGS, you guys. Being fully clothed kills puppies.
4. Victoria fantasizes about her future with Juan Pablo: "I'm gonna straddle him every day. 'Cause that's what life is about. Straddling people, and things."
We completely agree with every part of this sentence. Straddling our computer as we type, to be honest.
5. Victoria reflects on the group date: "Today I gave him the hymen maneuver."
Juan Pablo's hymen will never be the same.
6. Juan Pablo reacts to seeing a room full of dogs: "Let's just run!"
Be free with your canine friends, Juan Pablo! Feel the fur on your skin.
7. Lucy Aragon volunteers as tribute: "I was happy to take my top off as always."
You know who else was happy? ABC's cameramen.
8. Victoria gets defensive: "I'm not a dog, I'm just a bitch."
Remind us why Juan Pablo deflowered her again?
9. Juan Pablo on his hobbies: "I like to chill. Chilling."
He's so multi-layered and deep, guys.
10. Victoria dishes straight up facts: "Juan Pablo is my boyfriend."
We say the same thing to ourselves every night before bed.
What was your favorite quote of the night? Tune in next Monday, January 20 for more Bachelor quotalicious fun!