The Bachelor Recap: Season 18 Episode 3 — Headers and Head Games
El Bachelor has officially started the arduous process of whittling down his tribe of girlfriends to just one lucky lady, and things are heating up — much like Bachelor Nation's collective ovaries. It's already been a rough road full of death threats, dog fetishes, and really unfortunate radio musings (AY DIOS MIO, Juan Pablo), and things are only getting more dramatic for our lovely Latin heartthrob.
This week, Juan Pablo treats his freshly waxed six-pack to a date with single mom Cassandra Ferguson in which they frolick around in a weird mutant boat like two beautiful mermaids, a solo date with Chelsie Webster in which she’s shoved off a bridge in a sexy way, and yet another group date, in which everyone is forced to play with his balls. His soccer balls, LOL!
Please sit back, relax, and hold our internet hands as we take a trip down the petal-littered street that is memory lane.
Much like a beached whale, Juan Pablo can't wait to splash around the water. But his date with Cassandra was one part adventurous and one part terrifying. At first, it seemed like these two were having a grand ol' time driving through the backwoods, giggling, and being all "we're parents, YAY!" but then Juan Pablo was like "OMG, I'm totally going to kill us both by driving this Jeep into a giant lake!" Luckily, said Jeep was secretly also a boat (science!), so everyone is still alive and well — much to rejected contestant Victoria Lima's disappointment.
Juan Pablo and Cassandra had an amazing time zooming around in their mutant vehicle, but the date became even more fabulous when they hopped on a yacht to enjoy the sight of each other nearly naked, as well as some stimulating conversation about… no, no, nevermind, they were too busy kissing. But wait — there's more! Juan Pablo allowed Cassandra to enter his Bachelor Pad, where they stared at Camila's "art," salsa danced (because he's Latin, remember?) and ate a home-cooked dinner made with our favorite ingredients: love, fear, and a few of Chris Harrison's nails (OK, we hope just the first one). And yes, Cassandra accepted Juan Pablo's rose despite the fact that she misses her love child. In the words of Juan Pabs himself, "ayyyyy, Cassandra!"
It was only a matter of time before Juan Pablo forced his lady friends to play soccer — or as Juan Pablo calls it, Fútbol — and this week they were herded into an arena for a competitive hang sesh that was literally more terrifying than The Hunger Games. Frankly, we're surprised that these girls didn't end up being taken off the field in a stretcher — especially after Sharleen Joynt was kicked in the face and then pushed over by Juan Pablo as he skipped gleefully around the field like a gazelle.
Anyway, Juan Pablo split his harem into two teams and made them battle for his love, but the afterparty is where these ladies really let loose. First of all, everyone seemed really emo this week. Like, we half expected Nikki to break into a Bright Eyes song during her soliloquy on shyness. Second of all, Juan Pablo has entered the phase of the competition where he's macking on ladies in front of other ladies, and it was definitely awkward to watch him and Sharleen lock lips while everyone else got their voyeur on.
So, who got the group date rose? That would be Nikki Ferrell, who, despite not kissing Juan, managed to charm his jock strap off with her half-ponytail!
As we all know, The Bachelor just wouldn't be complete without at least one date that involves our hero pushing one of his ladies off a giant cliff, skyscraper, or mountain. This season's victim? None other than Chelsie, who was literally brought to tears when she found out that her date with Juan Pablo involved being shoved off a bridge / potentially murdered. Turns out Chelsie's fear of elimination trumped her fear of death, so she and Juan Pablo leapt off the bridge like they had a sexy suicide pact, and then started making out while hanging upside down. It was so beautiful, you guys. Especially because the entire event was orchestrated by a Guy Fieri impersonator.
Juan Pablo rewarded Chelsie for her bravery by feeding her a meal of wine, and they even had a conversation about important things like Chelsea's love for teaching (highlight: "you're a teacher.. I like that!"). Though let's be real — the best part of the evening was when acclaimed, super-famous, zero Grammy Award-winning country artist Billy Currington was resurrected from irrelevance to soundtrack Juan Pablo dancing with Chelsie's newly earned rose.
Shockingly, this week's most dramatic moment didn't consist of Bachelor Mansion's resident feral dog throwing itself out of an open window in a desperate attempt to stop the girl-on-girl word violence. Instead, the moment belonged to Sharleen, who flew into a tearful panic when Juan Pablo was busy flirting with other ladies during a surprise pool party.
First, Sharleen couldn't handle the fact that Juan Pablo's neck was being straddled by Kat Hurd's thighs, then she dared to hate on Chris Harrison's camera crew (“I just feel like there’s cameras everywhere.” Because there are), and then she ended up making out with Juan Pablo on a bench. Of course this caused Clare Crawley to have a breakdown, and she subsequently ended up wandering into a bathroom to weep, wandering over to Juan Pablo to weep, and wandering over to some poor innocent cameraman to weep. The entire event was pretty much a hot mess, but Juan Pablo seemed completely oblivious, so no worries!
Juan Pablo loves all his potential baby mamas equally, but unfortunately it's illegal to marry more than one person in this backwards country of ours. This means that Juan Pablo had to make the hard decision to eliminate Christy Hansen and Lucy Aragon. How Bachelor Mansion is going to survive without Lucy's patchouli scented breasts on parade 24/7, we know not.
Kelly real talks about Kat: "Juan Pablo's head was in her crotch for 20 minutes."
Juan Pablo and his ladies-in-waiting are heading to Seoul, South Korea! We apologize in advance to the entire country. But what will this cosmopolitan group of cultured reality stars get up to? Well, not only will Juan Pablo and six of his contestants put on a performance with Korean pop group 2NE1, he'll go on a one-on-one with Sharleen, as well as another group date with his six remaining contestants. By the way, said group date involves paddle boats, so we can only assume one of Juan Pablo's contestants will have a brush with death.