Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    
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The Bachelor

Bachelor 2014 Power Rankings: Cassandra Takes the Reins in Week 3

Juan Pablo Galavis is three weeks in to his dramatic televised love journey, and he's getting closer and closer to finding a stepmom for his love child, Camila. Lord knows Juan Pablo needs some help raising that girl — did you see the way she threw shade at him when he tried to get her to eat lunch on the beach? Tragic.

Anyway, it's high time that Juan Pablo found himself a partner-in-crime who shares his taste in jaunty scarves and skimpy tank tops, which is where we come in. We've ranked the most powerful players from this week's episode of The Bachelor Season 18, based on personality, mental stability, and chance of winning Juan Pablo's final rose!

Name: Clare Crawley

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Ranking: 5

Pros: We had a hard time with Clare's behavior this week. Sure, she used her tearful breakdown to worm her way back into Juan Pablo's erotic fantasies, but we'd like to see her bond with him over rich conversation and a succulent makeout session. Then again, we'd also like to give Clare props for not pooping her pants this week. The same can't be said for Bachelor Mansion's dog, who literally treats Chris Harrison's rose garden like a toilet.

Name: Nikki Ferrell

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Pros: Nikki managed to win Juan Pablo's group date rose based on just her personality. Shocking, right? Not only did she and Juan Pablo fail to play tonsil hockey (more like tonsil soccer, zing!), they barely even touched all week. Looks like these two have a connection with their minds.

Cons: Nikki wore her hair in a half ponytail this week. The last time we saw this particular style, we were getting ready for our middle school's Millennium Ball in 1999.

Name: Kat Hurd

Credit: Fred Hayes/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Ranking: 3

Pros: Kat spent most of the Bachelor Mansion pool party with Juan Pablo's head in her crotch. We're so happy that they were able to consummate their love in such a public fashion. We also hope Chris Harrison drained all the water from the pool immediately after said consummation. Think of the wild animals who use that thing as drinking water, Chris!

Cons: All of Kat's fellow baby machines are jealous of the fact that she took a peek at third base with Juan Pablo in public, and it's only a matter of time before she wakes up with a decapitated horse head in her sheets. Or even worse, a decapitated rose.

Name: Sharleen Joynt

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Ranking: 2

Pros: Much like an actual joint, Juan Pablo is totally high on Sharleen Joynt. See what we did there? Homonyms! (Not to be confused with hymens, Victoria.) Anyway, despite the fact that she's spent most of this season rejecting Juan Pablo's roses and crying on the muscle mass that he calls a "shoulder," Sharleen has managed to weasel her way into Juan Pablo's heart. Then again, maybe he's just pity rose-ing her because of that one awkward time he pushed her over on the soccer field and left her for dead.

Cons: According to an emotionally traumatizing sneak peek at next week's episode (we're so sorry, Korea. We're so, so sorry), Sharleen is about to morph into Maria Von Trapp and sing some opera in Juan Pablo's general direction. And not regular Maria Von Trapp. We're talking Carrie Underwood's Maria Von Trapp —even more terrifying.

Credit: Todd Wawrychuk/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Name: Cassandra Ferguson

Ranking: 1

Pros: We're having a hard time finding faults with Cassandra. Um, her hair is too perfect? Her baby is too cute? Her body is too flawless? Honestly, Juan Pablo should consider himself lucky if he manages to convince Cassandra that hanging out with him is more important than hanging out with her kid. Girlfriend is a catch. Plus, she pretended to eat that weird dinner Juan Pablo made her.

Cons: Cassandra might be too good for Juan Pablo. Don't get us wrong — he's wonderful and knows how to make a girl swoon. But he's also openly cheating on her with, like, a dozen other women.