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The Bachelor

Bachelor 2014 Power Rankings: Nikki Ferrell Nabs The Top Spot in South Korea!

Much like Jesus Christ, Chris Harrison has the ability to turn water into wine, and wine into Love Potion No. 9. Thanks to this matchmaker, Juan Pablo Galavis' remaining lady friends are totally high on their love for him, and the time has come for him to whittle down this crop of cuties until just one bachelorette remains.

It's a daunting task for someone so perpetually and adorably confused, which is where we come in. Please join us as we rank The Bachelor's most powerful players, based on likability, degrees of insanity, and ability to make a good life partner for El Bachelor!

Name: Renee Oteri

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Ranking: 5

Pros: Good news, everyone! We can all rest easy knowing that Renee Oteri's ovaries are fully functioning. Which means she is officially a viable contender to bear the fruit of Juan Pablo's looms / eventually give birth to the future lord and savior of Bachelor Nation. She should probably affix a halo to her head and start wearing robes right about now.

Cons: Juan Pablo has yet to kiss Renee, possibly because he's become confused and thinks she's his mom. No, seriously, think about it. Renee is so nurturing and sweet to everyone around her, it's only a matter of time before she starts holding Juan Pablo's hand when he crosses the street, spoon feeding him beer, and — yes — changing his diaper. The struggle is real.

Name: Sharleen Joynt

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Ranking: 4

Pros: Sharleen Joynt is so smart and sophisticated. In fact, she might be too smart and sophisticated. Don't get us wrong we love Juan Pablo with the passion of a thousand soles but we're thinking Sharleen is out of his league. Did you hear their conversation in the tea house? Sharleen was rambling about some weird thing called "education" and "school," and Juan Pablo was just nodding lovingly like a sweet labrador. Also, this pro is rapidly turning into a con.

Cons: So, this week Sharleen informed Juan Pablo that she's a) kinda iffy about the fact that he has a kid, and b) doesn't spend all her waking hours thinking about the fact that her womb is an empty wasteland. One word: NEXT.

Name: Andi Dorfman

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Ranking: 3

Pros: Andi and Juan Pablo had a really deep conversation about a bunch of totally unmemorable topics this week, and despite the fact that we can't recall one word they said, Juan Pablo seems to have found the whole thing simply intoxicating. This Latin heartthrob gifted Andi his group date rose without exchanging any saliva with her, which means she's clearly a front runner in the race to have his babies. In the words of our favorite flop Sarah Jessica Parker movie, we don't know how she does it!

Cons: We have literally nothing bad to say about Andi. Other than the fact that this gang prosecutor is clearly on a secret mission to arrest Chris Harrison for being a corrupt mafia boss. Otherwise, her participation on this show makes little-to-no sense. Can we all agree on that? OK, moving on.

Name: Clare Crawley

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Ranking: 2

Pros: Clare seems pretty insecure about her relationship with Juan Pablo, but what she lacks in security she makes up for in pure class, elegance and determination. Did you see the way she seductively ingested that octopus? Sure, the little critter stubbornly refused to stay in her stomach and tried to flee her body, but did she let it? Nope, she swallowed it (and a bunch of mouth vom) back down again. Don't you dare call this girl a quitter! Oh, and also Juan Pablo totally made out with Clare this week after saying a mouth that touched liquor, would never touch his (or something), so she must be doing something right.

Cons: In case it wasn't clear up there in the pros section, Clare vomited in her mouth and then ate said vomit like it was an hors d'oe’uvre to the main course of Juan Pablo's kisses. Her harrowing story about said vomit caused us to vomit, like some kind of hellish, vicious cycle. We haven't been the same since.

Name: Nikki Ferrell

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Ranking: 1

Pros: We literally love everything about Nikki Ferrell. From the fact that she's the worst dancer ever, to the fact that she has the worst attitude ever, this girl is snarky perfection. Plus, she managed to win Juan Pablo's group date rose two weeks in a row while putting in the bare minimum amount of effort. Like, she didn't even bother making eye contact with Juan Pablo during their conversation this week, that's how many effs she gives..

Cons: Nikki isn't on The Bachelor to make friends, but that doesn't mean she needs to actively make enemies. Her fellow contestants hate her even more than we hate food that isn't pizza, and this could come back to bite her if Juan Pablo finds out. Then again, the chance of Juan Pablo finding out anything is slim. His cluster of brain cells barely understand what's happening as it is.