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The Bachelor

The Bachelor 2014 Power Rankings: Nikki Owns the Throne in Vietnam!

Can you believe Juan Pablo Galavis has fewer than a dozen lady friends left on The Bachelor? It seems like just yesterday that this Latin heartthrob was swimming in a sea of 27 singletons (simpler times), but nowadays things are getting realer than real. Juan Pablo is still faced with the nearly impossible task of picking just one Bachelorette to be his wife, and dude needs help narrowing the field. He can barely get through a Rose Ceremony without sobbing, but fear not — we've done boyfriend a solid by rounding up his top 5 contestants based on personality, ability to defy death, and womb-availability. Check 'em out!

Name: Sharleen Joynt

Credit: Reality Steve    

Ranking: 5

Pros: Sharleen was called first during this week's Rose Ceremony, though we're not exactly sure why, seeing that she and Juan Pablo didn't spend much time together in Vietnam. But apparently he likes her because of their shared interest in arts, culture, and something weird called "education." Whatevs.

Cons: No, like, seriously, why is this girl on The Bachelor? We still think Sharleen is more than slightly out of Juan Pablo's league — shouldn't she be singing opera somewhere? WAIT, AMAZING IDEA! The Bachelor: The Musical, starring Sharleen Joynt as Sharleen Joynt and Mario Lopez as Juan Pablo Galavis.

Name: Andi Dorfman

Credit: Craig Sjodin/ABC Television Group © 2013 Disney    

Ranking: 4

Pros: Andi isn't afraid to go after what she wants, and she straight-up complained to Juan Pablo about not spending enough time with him during their group date. Her reward? A sexy smoulder, some adorably broken English, and the vague reassurance that she wouldn't be eliminated. Andi's go-getter 'tude will definitely get her ahead in this game!

Cons: Andi's name was called last during The Rose Ceremony, which means that Juan Pablo is a compulsive liar. We anticipated this girl being called first after her reassuring conversation with lover boy, but apparently she's being punished for being too perfect and too flawless.

Name: Renee Oteri

Credit: Bachelor ABC on Twitter    

Ranking: 3

Pros: Renee and Juan Pablo's date was pretty cute — aside from the fact that he refused to kiss her even though he rounded second base with Clare in international waters, like, five minutes later. These two seem to genuinely like each other, they have tons in common (being parents and what-not), and they happen to be the same age! Although, being over the age of 30 in Bachelor Land is basically the equivalent to being a geriatric. Probably why Juan Pablo was carting Renee around in a wheelchair all day...

Cons: Sure, Juan Pablo ended up kissing Renee during The Rose Ceremony, but we're worried she's being friend-zoned. These two didn't have much chemistry during their one-on-one, and alarm bells went off in our heads when Juan Pablo didn't try to shepherd Renee into the nearest body of water for some heavy petting. Oh, and speaking of which...

Name: Clare Crawley

Credit: The Bachelor Facebook    

Ranking: 2

Pros: Juan Pablo and Clare literally can't keep their hands off each other — did you see them in those palm fronds? Said fronds have officially lost their innocence, that's all we're saying. They obviously have an intense physical connection (just ask the traumatized sea creatures who witnessed their oceanic not-sexcapades), but, much like Superman, Juan Pablo has a kryptonite: his daughter, Camila. Turns out this love child isn't down with her dad going to the "land down under" with Clare, which is so weird, because usually four year olds love knowing about their parents’ adventures (sarcasm).

Cons: Despite the fact that Juan Pablo and Clare's danger zones share a deep connection, this girl isn't at the top of this week's leaderboard because Juan Pablo threw some Camila-shaped shade at her during The Rose Ceremony. Apparently, Juanny Boy regrets his decision to make mermaid love to Clare, and blames her for the entire encounter. Because he clearly had no part in his own body's decision to try to make it with her.

Name: Nikki Ferrell

Credit: Bachelor ABC on Twitter    

Ranking: 1

Pros: Nikki crossed a major threshold this week. Namely, the threshold to Hell. Juan Pablo tested his victim's limits by being all "jump in this cave, girl!" and, despite the ever-present fear of certain death, she willingly repelled into a cave called Hell (dibs on that for our next band name). Nikki earned Juan Pablo's rose and his saliva, and who knows? Maybe if she offers to sacrifice her soul to Chris Harrison, Juan Pablo will even offer to impregnate her!

Cons: Nikki doesn't seem like the type of girl to put up with BS, and we're not sure she'll be able to handle some of Juan Pablo's eccentricities. You know, like his love of neon yellow menswear, his unresolved dog fetish, and the fact that he tried to murder her on their first date. We fear that if Juan Pablo does pick Nikki as his leading lady, she'll eventually break his corazon! Will Juan Pablo take the risk?