Read on for Wetpaint Entertainment's recap of the episode, and then let us know what you think will go down in the epic Oberyn vs. The Mountain fight when the show comes back in two weeks.
King's Landing: A Timely Offer
The episode opens with Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) berating Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) for throwing away the chance to save his life, but Tyrion basically regrets nothing. He enjoyed getting to tell the people of King's Landing off, and, of course, it felt good to take Tywin's (Charles Dance) perfect ending away from him.
That's all well and good, but then Jaime warns Tyrion that he can't help with the trial by combat; he's just not up to it without his sword hand. Tyrion jokes that it would be worth it for Jaime to lose, just to see Tywin's face when he realized the entire line was wiped out in one fell swoop, but yeah, what he really wants is to live. So, he'll use Bronn (Jerome Flynn) instead.
One problem: Cersei (Lena Headey) has picked The Mountain, the Hound's bigger, scarier brother, to fight as her representative. As much as Bronn likes Tyrion, he's not going to be willing to go up against that — especially not when Cersei has thrown a marriage to the "dim-witted" Lollys Stokeworth, a lady who comes with a castle (well, after a bit of murder), in to sweeten the non-fighting pot.
Bronn does offer Tyrion the chance to come up with a counter-offer, but Tyrion really doesn't have much to work with, especially because, yeah, The Mountain really is scary. In the end, Bronn likes Tyrion, but he likes himself more. Tyrion admits that he always knew that about his friend; that's why he liked him, so it's not like he can really be mad now. They shake and part ways.
Before he goes, Bronn asks what Tyrion will do."I suppose I'll have to kill The Mountain myself," Tyrion muses. "Won't that make a good song?"
Fortunately for him, help comes in the form of Oberyn Martell (Pedro Pascal), who, in case you've somehow forgotten, really, really wants to kill the Mountain. So much so that he's willing to be Tyrion's champion. Booyah!
On the road, Arya (Maisie Williams) and The Hound (Rory McCann) discover a dying man, who provides Arya with the chance to get all creepy philosophical. "Nothing isn't better or worse than anything. Nothing is just nothing," she tells him. So yeah, she's doing great. The man rambles about fair exchanges and the lack of balance in the world. Then The Hound mercy kills him. "That's where the heart is," he explains to Arya. "That's how you kill a man."
And then — BAM! A dude jumps out of nowhere and bites The Hound! It's Rorge, one of the prisoners who had been locked up with Jaqen H'ghar back in Season 2. He wasn't a nice guy, and Arya very much remembers that. So he gets killed. Woo?
Later, The Hound is in a bad mood. He was bitten, everyone wants to kill him for money, and no reward is worth this trouble. He gets all personal, reminiscing about that time his brother burned half his face off. The pain was bad, the smell was worse, but the worst part was it was his brother that did it — and his father protected him. Arya offers to help clean the wound for him, and it's the sweetest thing that's happened on this show since Tyrion and Pod's goodbye.
Speaking of Pod, elsewhere on the road he and Brienne (Gwendoline Christie) make a new friend: Hot Pie! Hi, Hot Pie! We missed you. He seems to be doing OK at his new job at the inn where we last saw him. Brienne tells him she's looking for Sansa, and at first he freaks, denying any knowledge of the Starks, but he changes his mind before they go, telling them he knew Arya — and that last he saw her, she was with The Hound.
Pod smartly figures that with most of the Starks dead, The Hound is probably headed towards the Eyrie. So off they go in what is actually totally the right direction. Good job, guys. Can't wait to see how you get fucked over before something actually good happens to a Stark!
The Wall: Sorry Jon, No One's Listening
Jon (Kit Harington) and co. arrive back at The Wall, where Ghost is given a less than warm welcome. Later he gives an update on Mance's ever-approaching army. He thinks the Night's Watch needs to seal the tunnel that allows them to range North. That is not received well by Alliser Thorne, who shuts Jon down by reminding him he's a Steward, which basically means he has no say. To add injury to insult, he assigns Jon andSam (John Bradley) to night duty, which one assumes is extra chilly and terrible.
In Meereen, Daario (Michiel Huisman) drops in on Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) unannounced. She's annoyed, but she can't stay mad for long because, come on, have you seen him? He complains that he's only good for war and women, and the one women he wants doesn't want him back. So he begs her to send him off to kill her enemies, to do what he does best.
Her response? "Very well, do what you do best. Take off your clothes." Get it, girl!
Afterwords, Jorah Mormont (Iain Glen) runs into Daario in the hall, and it's hilarious. Poor, jealous Jorah. But it turns out that despite the sex, Dany has chosen to send Daario and his men off to Yunkai to take it over again — and kill all the masters there. Literally all of them. That's kinda crazy, which Jorah tries to explain.
Amazingly, he actually gets through to her; she decides to send Hizdahr zo Loraq, the Meereen nobleman we met last week, with Daario. He can explain to the masters in Yunkai that they have a choice: Live in her new world, or die in their old one. She adds that Jorah can tell Daario he changed her mind. Aw. That totally makes up for the fact that he's stuck in the friend zone, right?
Dragonstone: This is Weird
Back in Dragonstone Melisandre (Carice van Houten) is having a bath. She discusses jokes and lies with Stannis's wife, Lady Selyse. While she's totally naked, because that's how she rolls. Lady Selyse says she wants to leave her adorable, awesome daughter at home, because she hates all cute and amazing things. Mel says that's impossible, and to prove it, she lets Lady Selyse look into the fire for proof that "the Lord needs [Shireen]." Should we be worried? We have a feeling we should be worried for Shireen.
The Eyrie: Only One Woman
At the Eyrie, Sansa (Sophie Turner) is building Winterfell out of snow, because she is a sad and lonely girl. Robin shows up and they bond for a bit, until he knocks it down she freaks out and he throws a temper tantrum and she slaps him and basically they are both children. Sansa may be growing up, but she's still very young at heart.
Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) apparently doesn't see it that way, since he chooses this moment to show up and make out with Sansa. You know, after talking about how into her mom he was and how in a different would she could have been his daughter. What the hell dude. Worst. Pickup. Line. Ever.
Unfortunately for Sansa, Lysa Arryn (Kate Dickie) spotted that little moment, and, being totally insane, she decides to take out out on Sansa, instead of her pedophile cheating husband. She grabs Sansa and holds her over the moon door, screaming that people who stand between her and "Petyr" die. Littlefinger shows up in time to coax Lysa down, promising to send Sansa away if she lets her go.
"Oh, my wife, my sweet, silling wife," he tells her. "I have only loved one woman. Only one, my entire life." Lysa smiles, until Petyr clarifies who he means: "Your sister. Then throws her out the Moon Door. Aaaand, bye. Is it just us, or was this entire section rushed?
Bronn telling a harsh truth: "Ah, I'm your friend, and when have you ever risked your life for me?"
Littlefinger, with a point: "A lot can happen between now and never."
Oberyn, on Cersei's desire to see Tyrion die: "It is rare to meet a Lannister who meets my enthusiasm for dead Lannisters."
What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments below!
Rebecca Martin is an Associate Editor at Wetpaint Entertainment and our resident Game of Thrones, Pretty Little Liars, and genre TV expert. Follow her on Twitter and Google+!