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The Bachelorette

Bachelorette 2014 Power Rankings: Nick Viall Wins Week 1 by a Dot!

Much like the last unicorn, Andi Dorfman is a rare and beautiful creature, coveted by millions of men — some of whom are probably BRONIES. And guys? Some of these men have been corralled by ABC's reigning evil genius, Chris Harrison, and now they have a golden opportunity to win Andi's heart. The problem? There are over two dozen men competing on The Bachelorette and only one Andi. HOW IS SHE GOING TO CHOOSE?!

It's a stressful situation for poor Andi to find herself in especially because she's still growing back her brain cells after spending so much time with Juan Pablo Galavis. However, we're here to help! Check out the top 5 power-players from Andi's Season 10 Premiere, who we've ranked based on sexiness, degrees of derangement, and marriageability (which is code for ability to bake a baby in Andi's oven).

Name: Nick Viall

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC    

Ranking: 1

Pros: Nick Viall clearly has a passion for fashion, and his polka dot tie was on point. Plus, he comes from "good stock," by which we mean his father has super-sperm and successfully procreated to the tune of a million children — so yeah, you better believe Andi gave him the First Impression Rose. Unfortunately, her ovaries are saying "let's go" but her heart is saying "meh, whatevs."

Cons: Andi not-so-subtly implied that she's not attracted to Nick by revealing that she gave the First Impression Rose to someone who she wouldn't normally be interested in. Feel that, Nick? It's the burn. Luckily, we're sure Andi will become more attracted to Nick once Chris Harrison hooks her up to an IV full of wine.

Name: Josh Murray

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2014 Disney    

Ranking: 2

Pros: Where do we begin? These two are like Romeo and Juliet but without the tragic death and questionable pre-teen storyline! Not only do both Josh Murray and Andi hail from Atlanta (TWINSIES!), they had tons to talk about (inspiring conversational snippet: "I do sushi") and were majorly flirty. To be honest, Josh kind of seems perfect for Andi, except for his unfortunate taste in menswear.

Cons: Josh was wearing an extremely large shirt, and when we say "shirt," we mean blouse. That thing was non-stop billowing in the wind wafting from Chris Harrison's eyelashes, and we honestly don't know how Andi was able to hand him a rose with the excess fabric undulating at her. Please change everything about your personal appearance immediately, Josh M. (Fun aside: What’s with the “Josh M.” — are we at summer camp?)

Name: Eric Hill

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2014 Disney    

Ranking: 3

Pros: It's easy to tell when a Bachelorette contestant is disingenuous, but — to borrow a line from Desiree Hartsock's collaboration with Soulja Boy — Eric Hill is definitely inhabiting Andi's love shack for the "right reasons." He seems 100 percent committed to finding love, and have you seen his jaw? Even more chiseled than Britney Spears' sprayed on abs, guys!

Cons: Uhhh… he's too hot? He's too interesting? He's too adventurous, free-spirited, and cultured?

Name: Marquel Martin

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2014 Disney    

Ranking: 4

Pros: Do we really have to explain to you why Marquel Martin has made our top five? This flawless dream of a man brought an entire plate of COOKIES to Andi and then proceeded to gobble them up. He even busted out a classic black-and-white cookie to symbolize their interracial love connection, proving our theory that every relationship can be described with a sweet confection. Note: our relationship with The Bachelorette is like stale Twinkie — old, slightly disgusting, addictive, and undented when thrown off our apartment balcony.

Cons: No cons to be found here, except for the fact that Andi and Marquel didn't seem to have too much sexual chemistry. Then again, who has time for flirting when you're making out with an entire plate of cookies? Priorities.

Name: Tasos Hernandez

Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC Television Group © 2014 Disney    

Ranking: 5

Pros: Apparently, Andi doesn't consider herself well-traveled despite the fact that she trotted the globe with Juan Pablo Galavis on The Bachelor, and she was extremely impressed by Tasos Hernandez uttering the following sentence in French: "I would like a juice with ice cubes, please." It's like, NO TASOS. No one has ice, JESUS CHRIST, don't make us pull a Solange on you.

Cons: Sorry, but in case it wasn't clear, our pros list is secretly a cons list. It's not our fault Andi is so taken by Tasos, clearly she's being hypnotized by his giant earring.