This week's double episode of The Bachelorette is best described by looking at the collective faces of Boyz II Men: abject horror, confusion, side-eying, and the general appearance of being physically nauseous / recently rendered deaf and blind. Basically, Chris Harrison out Chris Harrison'd himself in terms of sheer unadulterated WTF-dom, and we're finally ready to talk about it. It's been a terrifying few days full of nightmares, daymares, and discarded boxes of wine, but WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER, FRIENDS.
Without further ado, here's a list of this week's WTFs.
1. We Are Now Deaf, Thanks to “White People Karaoke”
First up, it should be noted that we have lost most of our hearing as a result of listening to Andi Dorfman's boyfriends "sing" "I'll Make Love To You." Thanks to their tragic experiments in harmony, we never want anyone to make love to us ever again. Other than Chris Harrison, but that goes without saying. Catherine Giudici said it best in her sum of our fears tweet, “White person karaoke, everyone.”
2. But Not Deaf Enough To Block Out Josh's Grunting
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Here's the good news: Josh Murray finally changed out of his free-flowing blouse and into an actual shirt. Here's the bad news: he decided to accessorize with a jaunty tartan scarf tied around his neck, like some Dickensian street urchin. Here's the worse news: Josh made out with Andi while wearing said scarf, and wouldn't stop grunting the entire time. Consider this a glimpse of what's to come in the Fantasy Suites –– and we mean that in more ways than one (wink wink).
Look, we know Chris Harrison's been doing this job for ten thousand years. And we know it's hard for him to find the will to live, but he has some major explaining to do when it comes to Andi's geriatric-themed date with JJ O’Brien. We don't even want to know how high on roses Chris must have been when he thought this sucker up, but the date was all kinds of offensive to the entire old person species. Not that they even know how to work a television set –– LOL amiright?
So, half of Andi's brosefs decided to name their basketball team The Rosebuds, which is amazing in all kinds of ways. It works on so many levels, guys. Like, roses (duh) and buds because they're best buds. And for those of you who are thinking that "rosebud" is a euphemism for something else entirely, we have nothing to say to you. Except that there's a reason this name is on our WTF list.
5. Andi Gets An Old-Timey Love Note
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This week Andi got a love note written on what appeared to be parchment paper in cursive with a quill. And while she was reading said note, we were treated to a flashback of old timey MYSTERY HANDS writing it. It was pretty much identical to the beginning of a Jane Austen movie, and it was pretty much weird. Then again, it's a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of a good body must be in want of a husband, y'all, stahhhhp!